


Sweet November

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Barebacking, Best Friend Misha, Blow Jobs, Crossdressing Misha, Free Spirit Jared, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not a death fic, Quirky Jared, Riding, Rimming, Schmoop, Sick Jared Padalecki, Switching, Workaholic Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 02:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 65,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1712384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is a workaholic who isn't sure what to do with his life aside from blindly forge ahead with his plan to reach the top of the advertising world. Jared is a free spirit who's made it his job to live each day like it's his last. When the two of them collide, it's Jared who thinks he can teach Jensen a thing or two about the beauty of life. Funny thing is, Jensen's got some lessons of his own. Only, Jared's not good at learning lessons and the more he lets Jensen in, the more he realizes it's getting difficult to hide a secret that could cause everything to crumble underneath them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : I do not own Sweet November and did not write the original movie. I am borrowing plot lines for inspiration and adding my own ideas. And I am also borrowing names and faces. None of this has happened, which I am mostly sad about.  
>  **Beta** : [demondetox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox) (because she loves me and I am semi-useless without her)  
>  **Art** : [Kadysn](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Kadysn/pseuds/Kadysn) made me the lovely art, including a poster, banner and chapter headings. Thanks love bug! I know I am a pain in your ass but I am glad you love me.  
>  **Notes** : This story was mostly due to the lovely [demondetox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox) holding my hand and being my cheerleader and helping me push through when my life was starting to suck. I love her and she is the best wifey I could ever ask for. There are some ideas in here that couldn't have been smoothed out without her. Also, thank you to everyone at [Spn_Cinema](http://spn-cinema.livejournal.com/) for making this happen.

Jensen’s world was settling into the safe, steady, well honed, rhythm that it always did. He felt everything building up inside him, creeping him just near the edge but instead of terrifying, it was expected and planned, just like everything else in his day. He woke at the same time as he did on every weekday, setting the clock earlier on Wednesdays because he allowed himself some extra time to pursue their versions of morning bedroom activities. That meant Liz was on her back in the middle of the bed, soft noises coming from her mouth as she let Jensen thrust into her. The climax hit Jensen like he knew it would and instead of taking his breath away, he was ready for it. He grunted, came and allowed himself a moment to catch his breath before the rest of his morning routine. “That was... good.” He stood up to take his standard shower with enough time to get ready for work and grab a breakfast sandwich on his way into the office. Everything was just as it always was only, when he exited the shower, body slick with water and only covered by a plain white towel, his girlfriend was sitting on the edge rather than feigning sleep. Her long legs were crossed and bobbing erratically while she wore an annoyed expression.  
  
“Jensen, we have to talk.” She sighed and blew a piece of hair out of her face.  
  
“About what?” He gave Liz the briefest glance over his shoulder before turning his focus to vigorously rubbing the towel over his skin to dry him completely so that he could begin the process of pulling on a pair of boxer briefs and the beginnings of his suit separates. “Well?” He said, when Liz failed to elaborated. He faced her while blindly buttoning up his shirt and tucking it into the slim cut of his pants.  
  
Licking her lips, Liz’s one word response dripped with all the seriousness in the world. “Us.”  
  
With Liz’s tone, Jensen lost interest and turned to a mirror so he could fix his tie. “Sorry, Lizzie, I don't have time for a talk right now. Maybe after work, Ok?” Pulling on a jacket, he brushed past her, out of the bedroom and across the small hallway to the kitchenette in hope that a pot of coffee was already brewing. He’d set it up on a timer the night before, just like every night before that, and he grabbed his to-go mug from the drying rack, fixed his coffee, and flicked on the television to get a quick glance at the weather. He’d already checked it last night but things change and one could never be too certain. A noise from the bedroom startled him. It sounded like Liz screaming into a pillow but his brain couldn’t come up with a reason for such noise. There was a loud ruckus in the room, before the girl showed herself, storming out of the room with an armful of the clothing she kept at Jensen’s. “Lizzie?”  
  
Practically growling, the fire in Liz’s eyes let her boyfriend know just how fed up she was. “Seriously, Jensen! Do you care about anything more than your own agenda? You can’t even give me a fucking minute to talk to you about  _us_? About something I would think you’d deem important.” When her ire only resulted in a baffled look from Jensen, she rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Jensen. You have a stick so far up your ass that it is amazing any normal human being could get along with you! Silly me for thinking I’d be any different.” The girl turned and went to the closet to pull out a jacket. She almost stumbled over a loose article of clothing but reared back from Jensen when he reached out a hand to steady her. “Don’t! Don’t you dare act like you give a shit now after you’ve been too caught up in your own world to realize I haven’t orgasmned in weeks or been part of your one sided conversations. You’re fucking married to your job and I’m sick of being the other woman.”  
  
Jensen shook his head and sighed. This was a fight he wasn’t going to win and, sadly, he’d been a part of similar ones too many times to count. He had no idea why he couldn’t meet a nice girl or guy who understood what a career driven man is. He wasn’t married to his job. That’d be ridiculous. He just had a lot of things to get done, and it was really important that he put in extra hours if he wanted to make partner. And if that meant spending more time with his boss than anyone else, well then he just had to find a woman or a man who understood exactly that. There was nothing wrong with him. Definitely not. Liz was just being needy and selfish, which translates to weak in Jensen’s brain and he didn’t need that. She’s done him a favor in leaving if that is how she felt. He turned to stare at the T.V. again, a move that angered Liz more and sent a new arsenal of curses his way.  
  
When she left and he deemed it safe to move around the premises, Jensen clicked off the television. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he took a deep breath. Liz’s antics have set his day off on a very unstable course, making him feel anxious and rattled. There wasn’t much he could do about it right then, he still had a life to live, a life he’s trying to bring to the next level. Grabbing his keys, he left the echoes of his footsteps in the apartment as he locked the door, hoping the ride to work would clear the way for another routine day at the office.

***

  
Jensen rushed through the doors of Miller’s Advertising and entered a flurry of activity. He navigated it with ease, cutting through crowds like butter and keeping his eyes locked on the proposal he had been reading on his smart phone. People, including his friend and co-worker Chris, swarmed him.  
  
“Hello Mr. Ackles! You received another award for your brilliant advertising skills.” A woman brushed towards him, award in hand. She gave a winning smile but it went unnoticed by the man she directed it at.  
  
“Wonderful.” Jensen kept up his bee-line to his office.  
  
“I'll take that.” Chris tried to grab the award from the woman who still held it tight.  
  
“It's not for you.”  
  
“Yes it is. See, it says ‘Jensen Ackles and team’. I am  _team_.” Chris took the award, leaving the shell-shocked woman behind them as they entered Jensen’s orderly office.   
  
Managing to sit at his desk while still finishing up the conclusion of the proposal, Jensen snorted. “So, what do we have to work on today?” Jensen got straight to the point, settling himself into his chair, and turning on his laptop.  
  
“Well, we still have to come up with an ad for the new Nike product.” Chris raised an eyebrow, “and I’m good. Thanks for asking. How are you doing this morning?” He gave Jensen an unenthused curl of his lip.  
  
“I’m not friends with you because of the small talk. I know you’re good. You’re alive and walking and making wise ass remarks to Suzy, or Jerri, or whatever the walking smiley face’s name is. I’m friends with you because you know your shit and get it done. So…I’ll ask again, what are we working with?”  
  
“Ass,” Chris spat out but he laughed as soon as the word left his mouth. “You’re lucky I find you amusing. You’re like a science project or a nature show. Jensen Ackles, the man a sense of fun seemed to have forgotten.” A pencil went flying at Chris’ head and he ducked before he lost an eye. “Okay, okay!” Opening the folder in hand, he pulled out some mock ups the team had been working on for the campaign.  
  
It took barely a look to leave Jensen rolling his eyes. “This is too simple.” He threw a print out to the ground and picked up another. “This one’s pretty good.” Jensen brought it closer to his face and examined it. “Just, make the red deeper, like blood. Got that?”  
  
The brain storming session came to a dramatic halt when Jensen's secretary entered the room without apology and earned an annoyed look from her boss. “Mr. Ackles, don't forget you have a DMV appointment in an hour.”  
  
Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “Oh, reschedule it, will you? I have too much work to do today.” There was a reason Jensen hired this woman but it escaped him at the moment. The list of things to do by the end of the work day seemed to be growing by the moment and he didn’t need her messing with his flow. Ignoring her, he picked up the files again and spun his chair so that all she could see was the back of his head peeking over the top of his chair.  
  
“Jensen!”  
Jensen’s ears perked up at the sound of his first name on his secretary’s tongue.  
  
“If you wait any longer to renew your license, you won't be able to drive legally. And if you get caught driving with an outdated license, that will put a big dent in your work schedule. So, _I think_ , you should get your ass over there.” The woman gave a triumphant 'humph' and left the office.  
  
“One point for Linda!” Chris let out a laugh and fell back into a rolling chair, letting his weight take him and scoot the chair backwards. “She  _is_  right Jensen; no one beats the DMV. Go, I'll take care of things here.” Chris reached out a hand to take the folder from Jensen.   
  
With a frustrated grunt, Jensen released his hold on the file and let Chris take it. Why did the stupid DMV have to get in his way now? True, he’d had the appointment scheduled on his calendar for weeks, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t inconvenient. Plus, he’d have to go  _all the way_  down there and deal with  _all those people_  just for them to figure out that he deserved his license – needed it, actually. “Fine, I don't like doing this, but with the time frame we’re working with, I guess I have to.” Jensen stood up and headed for the door. “And don't forget! Red! Blood red!” He huffed and darted out of the office and towards the main lobby.   
  
“Yes, I know, blood red, bloody blood, deep gory red.” Mimicking Jensen’s nitpickiness, Chris scrutinized the mockups and allowed himself a laugh before getting straight to work.  


***

  
Jensen sat at a small desk, a little white test paper in front of him. He was twiddling a pencil between his fingers. He didn't have time to take the damn test; he might as well copy other people’s answers and not waste his time thinking about anything. God knows he had _better_  things to think about than this test. His thought pattern was interrupted by a rather noisy person entering the test area. Quite frankly, he was unlike anyone Jensen had ever seen before. He looked so characteristically out of place but filled the room with an ease of belonging there and oozing a type of confidence Jensen couldn’t understand. The disruption was definitely not the type of man Jensen ever pegged to be the self-reliant, lucrative type. He looked…well, he looked  _cheap._ Wearing a pair of well-worn jeans that hung low on his hips and had twin windows on his knees, the man’s stomach was slightly exposed due to the sheer length of his torso. The threadbare t-shirt that may or may not have once bore the logo of a band, was thin and well loved, having small holes along the seams to indicate that face. A light blue scarf around his neck completed the look and accentuated the fact that nothing about his clothing made sense. It was a grab bag of everything and too carefree for Jensen’s well planned life to rationalize. A wash of longish brown hair obscured his face from view but all it took was one of his hands combing through the thick locks to reveal almond shaped eyes and a pointed nose that was definitely all man. In his right arm he tried desperately to hold onto a hugely overflowing bag. The whole picture was topped with a lollipop stuck firmly in his mouth beside the test papers he was trying to hold with his lips.  
  
“Sowwy!” his full mouth mumbled as he sat down in an empty desk diagonally behind Jensen. He set the bag down by his seat and a roll of cookie dough tumbled out towards Jensen.   
  
It hit Jensen in the foot, startling him. It’s presence in the DMV confused him but, nonetheless, he picked it up to return it to its owner. Leaning back wasn’t enough and the longer haired man had to lean forward to retrieve it from Jensen.  
  
Their fingers brushed slightly as the man took it and placed it back in his bag. 'Thank wou” he said around the lollipop. The cherry color of the candy stained his lips redder, making the smile he gave Jensen all the more sweet.  
  
Nodding, Jensen went back to his own test paper and mindlessly reading the questions. He was distracted by a loud and obnoxious sucking noise coming from behind him in the form of a constant suck and then popping of a lollipop. He turned around to see the man popping the sweet in and out of his mouth, his pink tongue wrapping around it and licking at the sugary substance. It was absolutely debaucherous. That’s what it was. No one should lick a lollipop like that.  _No one should lick anything like that_. Jensen’s brain became aware that he was staring and he cleared his throat, blinking several times to rid the image of  _that_  tongue moving like  _that_  from Jensen’s brain. Then his brain decided to act on its own. “Psst,” he whispered to get the longer haired man’s attention and whispered, “Do you know the answer to number 2?”   
  
“Me?” The longer haired man pointed to himself, then looked around exaggeratedly. He took the red candy out of his mouth to answer. “No, I don't know yet. Clearly, I haven't even started, but as soon as I know, I'll get back to you, ok?”  
  
The ever watchful eyes of the proctor in the room zeroed in on the source of the whispering going on between the man and Jensen and he called the scarved man forward. “You, with the weird getup and the stupid hair, bring your test paper forward. Yes,  _you_ , come on.”   
  
The man came forward, handing his paper to the proctor. “I wasn't cheating really. I was just telling him that...”  
  
“It was cheating in my book.” The proctor triumphantly ripped the test in half. “You can retake this test in a month.”  
  
“A MONTH!” With his hands on his hips, the man stood his ground and pulled the most award winning puppy dog face Jensen had ever seen. “Can't I just take it now? I really need to and....”  
  
“I said you can take it in a month. Do you understand, or do I need to get security?” Folding his arms over the desk, the proctor looked up at the man with a sneer.  
  
“No, I'll go.” He went over to his desk and picked up his packages with slow overstated movements. “ _See._  I’m leaving. Nice and quietly. Don't anyone feel bad for me. See y’all later.” He waved to Jensen, crouching to get low and right in his face. “Bye! Good luck.” Then he headed in the direction of the door, babbling the whole time.   


***

  
Just finishing his test and knowing he was already ten minutes late for a meeting put Jensen in a terrible mood. But it was done. It was over. He could get on with his regularly scheduled work day. He rounded the corner towards the parking lot to find the man, the one with the long hair and mismatched ensemble, sitting on the hood of his car. “Great”, he mumbled with a hearty eye roll as he approached him, passing a neon orange van with pictures of puppies all over it. He was about to say something to the man on his car when his cell phone rang. Reaching into his jacket pocket and hoping the stranger stayed quiet, he connected the call. “Hello? Oh, Chris? Yeah, I know, I know. I’m late. Cover for me. Stall. Do anything. I’ll be there in ten minutes, I swear. Just…stall, ok?” Jensen cringed when the stranger took that moment to make attention getting noises and widened his eyes at Jensen.  
  
“Hello! Remember me? Question number 2?” Without a reaction from Jensen, he snorted a wisp of hair out of his face. “Yeah, sure, just _ignore_  me.” The man waved his hands at Jensen while settling himself more firmly on the car, even bringing up a combat booted foot to settle on Jensen’s new wax job.   
  
“Chris, just take care of it! I'll be over in a minute.” Jensen heard the man’s yelling and walked away from it, praying that Chris wouldn’t catch wind of what was going on. “I'll be right over. There’s something I have to take care of.”  
  
“Hello! Mr. Perfect! Are you just going to pretend a beautiful man is  _not_  sitting on your car?” He continued to scream at Jensen.   
“What do you want?” Jensen walked over to his car and gazed at the man.  
  
“You just cost me driving for a month. Do you know how much that hinders me?” The man pointed to the van in front of him.  
“Let me guess, that's your van? And now you can't work and it is all my fault.”  
  
“Exactly! How am I supposed to get a paycheck now?” The man stood his ground and glared at Jensen.  
  
Opening his wallet and pulling out a card, Jensen sighed. “This is my business card. Call and have my secretary settle on a figure equal to your monthly salary. I’ll pay it, and then some, if you  _please_  leave me alone. Is that fair?”   
  
The man snatched the card from Jensen and examined it. “Jensen Ackles…advertising, huh? Now I know your name, you’ve earned the right to know mine. I’m Jared. Jared Padalecki, of Padalecki’s Pups.” He pointed to the wording on his van that indicated as such and then offered a hand to Jensen. It went ignored. “Well, I suppose I  _could_  call you.” Jared pondered as he remained firmly seated on the car.   
  
“Well, aren't you going to get off my car?” Jensen waited, expecting the man to hop off and leave.  
  
“Nope.” Swinging a leg innocently, Jared leaned back onto the car's windshield and crossed his arms behind his head, smirking a dimply grin.  
  
Annoyance radiated off Jensen as he narrowed his eyes at Jared. “What! Why not?” He was already running late and he didn’t need some mindboggling combination of hobo-chic using his car as a lounge chair.  
  
“Not until you say, 'I'm sorry Jared, would you please forgive me? I made a terrible mistake and done you wrong.' How about that?”  
  
“How about a thousand dollars? Would that make you happy?” Jensen dug out his wallet with quick, short tempered actions and brought out a handful of bills, which Jared promptly refused.  
  
“Are you trying to buy amnesty? Well forgiveness isn't for sale today, sorry, all sold out!”  
  
“Then what the  _hell_  do you want? Tell me and then…then,” Jensen shrugged in defeat and growled. “Would you please... _please_...please get off my car? I’m late for a very important meeting – something I’m sure you wouldn’t know anything about – and I’m getting fed up with your games.” Jensen leaned in towards Jared, anger saturating his expression.  
  
“Are you really sorry or just afraid of the dent I’ll leave on your precious car?”  
  
“The dent.” Jensen deadpanned and walked over to the driver’s seat, yanking the door open with too much force.  
  
“I’m offended.” When Jensen started the car, Jared hopped off the hood, stretching so that his shirt rose up and exposed the slender frame underneath, complete with the V of his hip bones dipped down into his jeans. “Well, nice meeting you!” Waving sarcastically and in hopes of aggravating the man further, he blew an exaggerated kiss as Jensen’s car spun out for a moment before peeling away.  
  
“ _That_ ,” Jared murmured to himself, “definitely needs an attitude adjustment.” There was the gleam of something mischievous in his eyes as he flipped Jensen’s business card over in his hands. He had a bigger job to do than Jensen’s probably ever had to do.


	2. Chapter 2

A soft grunting sound came from Jensen's apartment. Jensen was on the floor doing pushups, pushing up fast and fluidly before controlling the downward movement. The thin sweat breaking out over across his skin gleamed in the light of the apartment. A voice came over the complex’s standard intercom vid-phone and shattered Jensen’s concentration, leaving him to sit back on his heels with a frustrated growl. After the day he had, he was looking forward to a workout to blow off some steam. “What?”

An apologetic looking security officer filled the "Mr. Ackles, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but there is a crazy man down here claiming he knows you."

Jensen got up and walked over to the small video screen by his door. He saw Jared in the background trying to talk to Jensen. "What is it?"

Jared was trying to push the security guard out of the way so he could talk to Jensen. "It's ok, really, just let me talk to him for a minute."

"No sir, I don't think I can let you do that." Though he had a good fifty pounds on Jared, the security guard was losing terribly as he tried to push Jared away.

"Please! Nothing will happen. See, it’s ok!" Jared successfully fought his way in front of the man and faced the Vid-phone. He was dressed in a grayknit beanie hat with enough fabric for it to be loose and baggy, thus falling in folds down the curve of his skull. From what Jensen could see, a thin, oversized pullover hoodie fell off one shoulder to reveal a ribbed tank top underneath.

"Hi Jensen, remember me? Of course you do. Yeah well, since I don't have a car and all, I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.” He held up two fingers so that they were almost touching and his voice speed up as the officer kept trying to drag him away. “It’s just a teeny, tiny little favor. Promise.  _So small_. I need a ride some place and it’s  _really_  important; can you give me one?" His voice dripped with innocence as he faced the security officer. "He  _can_  hear me, right?"

"Yes. Yes, he can hear you." The man faced the camera and gave an exasperated sigh, clearly exhausted in his efforts to wrangle the man in. "Mr. Ackles,  _please_  get rid of him."

Jared turned to the man and put his hands together in a prayer like motion. “One minute, I swear. Then I’ll be out of your way.” Then he turned the pleading smile back towards the camera. “You’ll give me that ride, right Jensen?" Face coming extremely close to the camera, Jared let his dimples pop and grinned.

“Are you  _crazy_? I don't even know you.” Jensen reared back as a response to Jared’s ostentatious demands. He’d had some pushy clients before but they never played so dirty as to play dirty with smiles like that.

"I'll wait." Jared flopped against the wall and slid to the floor. “It’s not like I can  _drive_  away or anything.” He lathered on the guilt and shrugged at Jensen through the vid-phone. “I’ve got all night. Not moving.” He set his stance and pressed all his weight down when the security officer tried to move him. “Keep trying, guy. I’m a lot taller than you and probably crazier. That’s a winning combination.”

“Mr. Ackles.  _Please_. He’s making a scene and we don’t like  _that_  type of reputation. Especially from people like  _him_.”

“What did you just say? What the hell does ‘people like  _him_ ’ mean? Do you have a problem with something? Because I’ll – ”

Jensen saw the situation spiraling wildly out of control and pinched the bridge of his nose. Nothing about this could be good. The last thing he needed was for everyone in his apartment complex to think that he had any type of association with the crazy man drawing everyone’s attention. "Ok! Ok! I'll be down in ten minutes. Just wait." Cursing under his breath, he went in search of his shirt and wondered why the hell he was even entertaining Jared’s request. Somehow, Jared’s pleading eyes and innocent dimpled smile managed to crawl under his skin, which was still  _no excuse_  for why a crazy person was having such an effect on him.

***

Jensen arrived in the lobby ten minutes later on the dot, his black sweater and khakis a stark contrast to Jared’s laid back approach to dressing. He spotted Jared leaning on the security officer's desk and chatting him up, like they were suddenly friends. Jensen walked past him, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him outside without breaking his determined stride. Once outside, he jerked Jared’s arm and spun him so that they were eye to eye. Unsurprisingly, Jensen found himself completely infuriated by the stranger. "How the  _hell_  did you find outwhere I live?"

Shrugging, Jared ripped his arm out of Jensen’s hold and crossed them over his chest. "I have my ways. So are you ready to go." A Texan accent infiltrated his speech and let the words draw out just long enough for everyone to know it was there.

Jensen’s heart had some time of reaction to that and he hated Jared even more for being so magnetic and sharing the same heritage of him. It should have made him feel some type of bond, something silly that people from the same states or hometowns always felt. Instead, as stupid as it sounded, it just made Jensen feel annoyed that no one approved that fact with him. "Not so fast. You think I am going to let a crazy person come into my apartment and just say ‘oh, yes, sir. Where do you want to go? I’ve got nothing better to do and the night is young.’”

“That sounds pretty good, actually.”

Rolling his eyes, Jensen shifted his weight to one hip. “ _Why_  should I drive you? And  _where_  do you have to go?"

"You should drive me because you owe me. And I don't have to go very far." Jared turned his head when he heard a knocking on the glass next to him. The security officer was holding up a crudely made sign to Jensen that read, 'Do you want me to call the police?"

Jensen shook his head no, and continued his conversation with Jared. "Those are some pretty non-committal answers. I suppose you’re going to tell me you live ‘near-ish’ and you’re a nice person who doesn’t usually break into people’s apartment complexes.”

“Oh, no. I do break into people’s…. _everythings_ ….every now and then but only when it is necessary. And I do live ‘near-ish’. Doesn’t everyone in this city?”

A family that Jensen recognized as the ones who lived in the apartment across from him started walking towards them, giving Jensen a scrutinizing eye and reminding the man that he really needed to wrap this up  _now_ and be done with it. “No, I won't drive you, now go home and do yourself a favor by not bothering me again.  _Please!_ " Jensen turned to return to his apartment.

Jared grabbed his arm before he could get anywhere near the door. He took a moment to assess the situation and the players involved, including the many spectators they were gaining. His face shifted from something innocent, to mischievous, and then bathed itself in a wanton glow. He pressed all of his body weight against Jensen and made a rolling motion with his hips to get across just how close they were. With a tongue thickly slathering with flirtation, he spoke a fraction away from Jensen’s ear but was loud and demanding to be heard. "Ohh, Jensen! Last night when you  _fucked_  me, it was sooooooo good! Come on baby, do me like you did me last night! Nice and kinky!" All the trigger words were punctuated and anyone witnessing Jared’s little show would feel like they were intruding on something private between the two. Jared flung himself onto Jensen, totally aware of the message he was sending by rocking his hips into the man. Jensen's neighbors, who were in the process of entering the building, saw this and hastily made their way inside and away from the scene. Laughter came to Jared’s eyes, as he puffed up with pride over his achievement. As soon as his point was made, he returned to his prior demeanor as if nothing had ever happened. Letting go of a very confused Jensen, he raised his eyebrows and put a hand on his hip.

Jensen made a brushing motion over his body as if trying to wipe the phantom traces of Jared’s sexual assault off him. "What the  _hell_  are you doing?" Scrambling, he tried to apologize to his neighbors but it was too late, they sped their pace and ducked into the elevator. "Those are my neighbors, do you know what they’ll think of me?"

"Exactly, and they’ll keep thinking that until you give me a ride. I’ll come here every night and do the same thing,” as more people walked towards the building, Jared turned up the volume, “‘cause I love when you FUCK me!"

“Jesus, shut up!” Jensen scrambled to get his hand over Jared’s mouth but Jared kept moaning around it. "Ok ok! I'll drive you! Just  _shut up_!" Keeping his hand cupped around Jared's mouth, he ushered him towards the car. He never thought he’d be so happy to have a complete stranger in his car but at least Jared couldn’t ruin his reputation by making those sexy –  _horrible_  – moans and groans against his body.

***

Jared watched a grimace set in on Jensen’s face, falling into place where lines indicated it had been before. “Hey, listen…Jensen. I’m sorry about what I did back there. I really am. But you have no idea how badly I needed this ride and, this is a really nice thing you’re doing.”

Ignoring the apology, Jensen made a noncommittal gesture. Still driving, after more miles than Jensen had anticipated, he let out a huff of breath. "I thought you said we were not going far."

Playing with some things in a bag he’d been carrying, Jared suddenly sat upright and pointed to a building with urgency. "Stop right here! Stop!” Once the car screeched to a halt, he unbuckled his seat belt and pulled something out of the bag. “Okay, wait for me. Don’t you dare leave or I’ll do the same thing I did tonight at your office. I know where that is. You gave me the business card.” Winking, he smiled without a hint of a threat in the gesture before getting to work. Jared felt a little guilty about roping Jensen into this, but he rationalized that the man was the reason why he couldn’t drive himself. Plus, as much as it was  _wrong_  to lead Jensen’s neighbors into thinking there was something sexual between them, it hadn’t been a hardship on his part. He deserved some retribution for being kicked out of the DMV testing center. Ripping off his beanie, his longer hair fanned his face and he ran a hand through it to brush it back so that when he pulled the beanie on again, he tried to tuck every piece inside. Opening the door, he flipped a pair of dark sunglasses on and stepped onto the curb. "You are going to wait for me, aren't you?" Jensen’s nod betrayed the fact that he was probably going to drive away as fast as he could. Jared smirked and before Jensen could have done anything, he snatched the keys from the ignition and put the key ring in his mouth. "Thanks, Jenny!" And with that he took off into a building.

“Mother fucker!” Jensen abused the steering wheel by punching it in frustration. He had a sinking feeling that he’d gotten himself in deeper trouble by getting mixed up in whatever plan Jared had for tonight. It was unsettling sitting alone in a car in a seemingly abandoned area. There was nothing much to do other than reflect on the direction his life had taken and that he had a million things more important to be doing than playing chauffer for the night. His ears perked up when he heard sirens in the background and the sense of dread intensified. Sirens were never good and he got the impression that adding Jared to the mix made them even worse.

Jared appeared at the car again, a huge sack in his arms, and flung the door open. "Go! Go! Go!” He tossed the keys at Jensen.

“Go where?”

“Anywhere! Just go!” He looked over his shoulder and made an urgent gesture with his hands for Jensen to get a move on it. “Come on!”

“What the fuck did you do? What the fuck did  _I_ do?” Jensen shook his head to clear the frozen quality and jumped into action. He’d started the car and managed to pull it together enough to take off just as the sirens were getting closer. Hand shaking, he could barely remember how he had maneuvered the car and almost side swiped someone in the other lane as he blindly shifted gears and tried to follow the traffic rules ingrained in his head. "You're crazy!" Jensen's hands were shaking as he sped up.

Unfazed, Jared pointed. “Turn right at the next street. Then make the first left.” He had an air of electric excitement running through him that caused all of his features to look more alive than he already was. His ripped the beanie off and ruffled his hair, letting out a triumphant “Woot!” “That was fucking awesome. You have to work on your getaway car reflexes but not bad.”

“ _Getaway car?”_  Jensen couldn’t believe what he was hearing. In all of his life, he’d been nothing but a law abiding, respectful American citizen. He felt like he was going to throw up at the premise of being mixed up in something that could land his ass in jail. “Are you serious?”

“Relax.” Jared punched him playfully in the arm. “Make a left up there.”

“Don’t touch me! You’re insane. That’s what I’ll claim when the police find me. That I was kidnapped by an insane man and you forced me to do it. Oh my god, what are people going to think…” He swallowed thickly and rushed towards the next street in hopes that he’d kick Jared out of the car and this nightmare would be over.

Jared smirked and bit his lips mischievously, shifting the bag so that it was next to his left hip and closer to Jensen. “Wanna see?” he asked as he started to open the bag.

If Jensen wasn’t driving, he would have put a hand over his eyes to keep himself as ignorant and not involved as possible. “Don't even show me, I don't wanna know.” The plan was to keep his eyes on the road but when Jensen heard a loud yelp he instinctively looked over towards Jared where two tiny Jack Russell Terrier puppies tumbled out onto his lap. It was hard to tell in the dimness but they were almost white, save for splotches of brown and one pup had a small patch of brown over its eye. Now free of their confines, they were barking happily, little stumpy tails wiggling as they jumped and licked at Jared. A peel of laughter left Jared’s mouth as he basked in the seemingly endless puppy adoration. “Dogs?” Jensen said dumbly. “You did all this because of dogs?”

"Aren't they adorable?” Jared laughed again as one of them licked him right on the lips. “Yeah, I know. Those mean, nasty scientists were going to do some experiments on your brain, but I won’t let that happen. No, no I won’t."

Jensen felt like he had gone crazy himself. He listened to Jared’s voice pick up that silly tone that all people got when talking to babies or animals and it seemed strange coming out of such a large man. Yet it was clear that Jared adored these puppies. He kept cuddling them and trying to give them as much attention and scratches behind the ears as he possibly could. “Dogs?” Jensen repeated stupidly.

“Puppies, actually.”

Rolling his eyes and sighing, Jensen felt his heart rate stop its rapid incline and slow back to normal. He couldn’t imagine getting into too much trouble over  _dogs_. Despite the fact that Jared had broken into a facility to rescue them. They were just dogs. And, while Jensen wasn’t amused at what Jared put him through, they were kind of cute. He couldn’t imagine anyone using them as test subject. Besides, their brains must be smaller than his fist. Not much to work with. A puppy caught wind of the fact that Jensen was staring at them and tripped over the confines of the car so he could scamper onto Jensen’s lap.

“That’s,” Jared paused in searching for a name, “Juliet. And this one’s Romeo. Looks like she likes you. God knows why.” Jared said with laughter in his voice. “You did a good thing, Jensen.”

And just like that, Jensen wondered how many decent good things he’d done that didn’t involve trying to make a name for himself.

***

"Wanna come in for some hot cocoa?" Jared asked, stepping out of the car as they parked in front of his apartment.

Looking exhausted and needing to get home to his bed and his normal, predictable life, Jensen shook his head. “Thanks but no thanks.”

“ _Please_ ; do this one thing and I’ll never bother you again.”

“No, really." Jensen focused his eyes back on the road.

"Ok, then I will see you tomorrow? Same time?” Jared juggled with his bag and an armful of puppies but leaned down enough to give Jensen a smile. “You, me, the security officer. What’s his name? Clif? Yeah, it’ll be fun. 8 o’clock good for you?”

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?” Jensen put up his hands and tried to get a hold of where this conversation was going. “You said you just needed one favor.”

“I didn’t say the favor was over. Come on, one cup.”

Staring up at the roof of his car and wondering what he had done to deserve this, Jensen gave a sigh loud enough to let Jared know his adorable dimples and pleading were not working on him. At all. “Fine,” he grumbled as he turned off the car.

“Great! Here, hold this.”

A wiggly puppy was thrust into Jensen’s arms and before he knew it, he found himself in Jared's apartment, surrounded by the two little hopping Jack Russell's and a very eccentric apartment. There were  _things_  everywhere, ranging from vinyl records to animal rescue paraphernalia to bottles of wine. Stepping inside was like stepping into Jared’s head. Even though Jensen barely knew Jared, it was uncanny how much of the apartment oozed what Jensen did know about him. Jensen’s apartment was clean and neat, with open spaces and smooth lines. It was bare, which was how he liked it, but he couldn’t imagine that anyone could gage his personality from it. At least he hoped they couldn’t.

“So, you’re in advertising?” Jared asked as he busied himself with cocoa powder and mugs.

“That’s right.”

“And you like it?”

“I’m good at it.”

“That’s  _not_  what I asked.” Jared stuck his finger in the cocoa powder and licked it off, turning to face Jensen so that the seriousness of his question was apparent. “Do you like it?”

Jensen shrugged. “People generally like what they do.”

“And  _this_ ,” Jared said as he made a sweeping motion to Jensen’s whole body and demeanor, “is what liking something looks like? Because, if so, I gotta tell you, I’d hate to see effect doing something for fun has on you.” He cocked his head towards Jensen expecting a response but when he got none, he gawked. “Seriously? You do actually do things for fun, right? Like hobbies or past times? I’ve got a ton.”

“Like committing a heinous crime?”

“Oh, please. Stealing these puppies was a heroic act of valor and courage. There’s nothing criminal about that. But, yes, rescuing animals is something I happen to be passionate about. How about you?” Jared stretched and revealed the cut of his hips Jensen had spied earlier. He caught Jensen looking and exaggerated the motion.

Thinking about the questions with more sincerity, Jensen still couldn’t come up with an answer. Jared’s hip bones weren’t helping and he wished the man would just stir the two mugs of cocoa and hand one over so they could get on with their obligatory drink and end their inconceivable relationship. “I like landing high-end advertising campaigns and making large amounts of money.”

“That sounds like a job to me, not a hobby.” Snorting, Jared shook his head slowly and turned back to his task. "You know, you should really lighten up Jensen. You should be my November."

"Your what?" Jensen hadn’t realized how instantly hooked he was, taking Jared’s bait and stepping closer.

"My November," Jared stated matter-of-factly.

"What does  _that_  mean?" Bumping into a chair, Jensen took a seat and watched Jared. There was a fluidity to his actions that Jensen could never master. The juxtaposition between the two of them made his head spin because  _nothing_ about Jared should work but it did. He was ten times more comfortable in his own skin than Jensen and he didn’t even seem to need to work at it. It was like he didn’t calculate his every move or action, leaving Jensen more than a little intrigued.

“Well, every month, I take a man, or woman, but usually a man, and I stay with them for the entirety of that month. I’m their belonging in a sense; they can do with me what they like. I help them gain confidence, whatever they need. I teach them how to live. It’s my own little human reclamation project."

"And how do you do this?"

"Well, there’s only one rule: they must devote their lives to me, for one month, and live in my apartment, the outside world totally forgotten." Jared sauntered over to Jensen, sizing him up. There were things about Jensen that spoke of potential, of something great that Jensen wasn’t letting himself become. His heart thrummed at the thought of finding the November that he’d been searching for. Jensen had so many layers to peel back, so many things to unlearn and relearn that Jared hoped November would be enough because it was all they’d have and he’d have to make it work.

Letting out a snort of amused laughter, Jensen narrowed one eye at Jared. “And how does this magical therapy, or treatment, should I say, work?”

"I can't tell you  _all_  my secrets now, can I?" Handing Jensen a hot mug, Jared sat at the opposite side of the table, picking up a puppy to settle on his lap as he leaned forward and waited for Jensen’s snark. Jensen might think he has the upper hand in the world but Jared already had him figured out. There aren’t many things people can do to successfully hide unhappiness, Jared knows that for a fact. What he’s looking at? It’s a train wreck held together by designer suits and the safety of a fancy office.

The words coming out of Jared’s mouth made no sense to Jensen. Why on earth would someone do something solely for another person’s benefit? There had to be an underlying motive but Jensen’s brain was short circuiting in trying to come up with one. “What do you get out of this?” Taking a sip of the cocoa, Jensen wasn’t prepared for how scalding it was and he let it dribble out of his mouth and back into the cup.

Jared caught the action. It’s the most genuine thing he’s seen Jensen do in the short day of knowing him. It also made his heart swell with more determination to make him his November. "Satisfaction in knowing that I helped someone." Jared sipped his drink, letting the warm liquid swish in his mouth before swallowing.

"That can't be the only reason. Do they pay you?" Jensen set his mug down and stood up.

"No, that really is the only reason."

"You are even crazier than I thought. You just give yourself to a total stranger for a month? Are you some type of a whore?"

"Ouch, Jensen!" Letting the puppy return to the floor, Jared stood up as well. He’d heard accusations like Jensen’s before and they barely stuck after years of being a nonconformist. "You would be a good November. It’s October 30th, we can start tomorrow night!"

"And what am I supposed to do about my girlfriend?" Jensen stepped closer to Jared.

Jared leaned in so that Jensen could feel his breath on his cheek. "You  _don't_  have a girlfriend; a man like you couldn't possibly have that." Jared turned away, going to the sink to wash out his empty mug.

"I do have one, in fact. Her name’s Lizzie and she’s probably wondering where I’ve run off to." Jensen said, not only trying to convince Jared, but himself as well.

"Well, I feel terrible for her."

"You know what? You're crazy. You have no idea what you’re taking about.”

“Hit a nerve?”

Thumping his mug down on the table, Jensen’s agitation tinged his movements. To amplify that fact, everything he did came with a loud reverberance. He roughly slid the chair back under the table, stomped to the door, and spun to give a sarcastic, “thanks for the cocoa," before slamming the door to Jared's apartment and speeding back to his car.

Jared sat down at the table and picked up Jensen's cocoa mug. He watched the brown liquid swirl a bit before he took a long drink. He shouldn’t care that Jensen got away. There were a hundred other people who needed his help. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that their paths were meant to cross. They had to be. That’s what gets him through his days. There is some type of order to things, he just lets it reveal itself on its own than trying to control it. Jensen was practically emotionally extinct and left without Jared’s help, he was hopeless.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING*** The end of this chapter has bottom!Jensen. Skip it if that isn't your thing. But it does make sense for character development.

“Holy shit, man, where have you been?” Chris rushed towards Jensen. “I thought you were dead.”

Lowering his sunglasses, Jensen peered at his friend over the top of the frames. “You,  _what_?”

“You’re fifteen minutes late. Death is pretty much the only possible cause for that. You’ve  _never_  been late.”

“After the night I had…I….you know what? It doesn’t matter. Forget about it. Tell me you have coffee for me or I am rethinking our friendship.” Brushing past Chris, Jensen took off towards his office but Chris grabbed his arm, yanking him back into the hallway. The expression on his face was one of conflict and Jensen wasn’t sure what to make of it. “What the hell, man?”

“Listen, Jensen,” Chris whispered as he leaned closer. “I’m not supposed to give you wind of this but the boss man is pissed. Word is, he’s looking to skin your hide. Been looking for you all morning. I’ve covered for you as much as I could but I don’t think he’s buying it. So, do me a favor? Feed him the same story I did. That you were down in printing trying to get some early mock ups. And get your cocky ass in his office before he starts taking it out on me.”

“Christ,” Jensen mumbled and let out an exasperated sigh and pushed his sunglasses back onto his nose to face the firing squad. Not two minutes after he hit the main hub-bub of the department, his blood turned cold.

“Ackles! My office! Now!” James Miller screamed in Jensen’s direction and pointed a shaking hand towards his office door.

“Yes, sir.”

As soon as Jensen stepped inside, he jumped at the angry crash the office door made when Mr. Miller slammed it shut and practically rattled the whole office.

“What the  _fuck_  do you think you’re doing? Wait, wait, wait,” the man said while holding up a finger. “Better yet, where the  _fuck_  do you think you’re working?”

Jensen weighed his options. There was very little he could say that wouldn’t get him screamed at. “Miller Advertising, sir.”

“Damn straight! And here, at Miller Advertising, run by me, James Miller,” his voice was dripping with venom and sarcasm, making Jensen wonder what he did to incite such a rage, “we like to run a very tight ship. You know, with morals and decency. I don’t like it when some of my hot shot ad exec does around sullying the reputation I’ve worked hard to build.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.” Putting both hands up in defense, Jensen narrowed an eye at his boss. “Sully your company?  _I_ sullied your company? Excuse me? Last time I checked, I made your company big bucks and earned you clients based on  _my_  reputation.”

Snorting, James pointed to ad mocks ups that he had propped up on easels against the wall. “Yeah, sure. You did that. But…what the _fuck_  are those? Seriously, Jensen! What the  _fuck_!”

Jensen looked at the blown up versions of the Nike ads he approved the day before. They were, in his opinion, gorgeous. They were sharp and powerful. The colors were just right and they popped. They oozed sex appeal, specifically the one of a young man bending over seductively to tie his shoelace. It made him want to go out and buy those shoes if they gave him the chance of being that appealing. And the ad featuring a woman was just as powerful. “What?” He didn’t get what Mr. Miller was so worked up about. “They’re perfect.”

“Perfect? Perfect! Did you even read the press release for these shoes? Did you even pay attention to what type of ad campaign Nike was looking for? These are  _family_  friendly shoes. Nike is a name with a reputation. They don’t need to lower themselves to cheap tricks and a flash of cleavage. They wanted something that spoke about the product’s specifications.”

“Of course I read it. But they were wrong. Sex sells. This will make them millions and teenagers will want the ads in their lockers or on their walls. Nike doesn’t know what they want. Trust me, I know what they want. I know what works.”

“No, Jensen, you don’t! That’s the problem. You’re good at what you do but you don’t know everything.”

Waving a hand to brush off Mr. Miller’s statement, Jensen snorted. “Oh, please. They’ll love it.”

“They hated it! They were disgusted by it. In fact, they pulled all their campaigns from under our direction and went with M.C. Visions. You and your cocky attitude cost this company a lot of money as well as darkened our reputation.”

Shock had never hit Jensen so hard. He wasn’t aware he was gaping like a fish until he tried to get words out. “Wha’…what?”

“You heard me. They fired us…fired  _you_. And now…because of it…I’m going to have to fire you as well.”

“You can’t be serious…” Jensen ran a hand over his face and rubbed his eyes, hoping he’d open them and wake up from the nightmare his life had become.

“Deadly.”

“But I…”

“No buts, Jensen. You’ve got until the end of the day to clear out your office, go down to human resources to turn in the company credit card and pick up your last paycheck. After that, I’m going to have security escort you off the premises.”

Jensen’s vision dimmed. His world, and everything in it, was crashing down around him and he didn’t know how he was going to survive the wreckage.

***

Jensen didn’t remember a time where he’d ever been so happy to see the inside of his apartment. It was quiet and uncomplicated and he knew how things worked here. Things were still standing here. After being in bizzaro land last night and getting fired from his job, he needed predictability. He was ready to flop down on his bed and wallow in self-pity when he entered his bedroom to see Lizzie facing him.

"Boy, am I glad to see you." Jensen looked her up and down, noticing she was holding a suitcase. He’d assumed, that when she left yesterday morning, she was only spending a few days away to blow off some steam. She’d left too many of her things behind. But now, with the evidence firmly in her hand, he realized how wrong he’d been. “Oh, you can't be doing this to me. Not now!”

“It’s not always about  _you,_ Jensen.” Lizzie brushed past him. “And I think it’s a problem that you expect it to be.”

“Liz…you’re seriously walking out on me?”

Jensen watched her nod slowly as she walked away. As Jensen watched her go, a storm of emotions rose up and he couldn’t keep it in check. It had been building all day but he’d reminded himself that acting on it was a waste of time. Now, he couldn’t rein it in. When the door closed behind Lizzie, he punched the wall hard enough to split the skin on his knuckles and leave a considerable imprint in the plaster. Growling, he stormed over to a small shelf of advertising awards he’d won and with one violent swipe, he knocked them all off. Almost all of them shattered and the ones that didn’t were subjected to Jensen picking them up and hauling them at the wall. A sharp shard of glass got caught in his palm, slicing the tender flesh and letting bright blood blossom until it trickled down his wrist. Drunk with pent up anger, he watched it drop with a thick splat onto the floor. Dazed, he barely moved but he felt like everything was spinning in a chaotic gyre that he had no way of stopping.

A knocking on the door caught his ear.

"What!"

"Mr. Ackles! That crazy man from before left you a package. He said I had to be sure you got it." Clif’s voice was muffled through the door but there was a confused element to it, like he wasn’t sure of his own actions. It was unsettling, considering Jensen had never recognized that sound on Clif’s tongue in all the years that he’d lived here.

Slumping to the floor and letting his head fall into his hands, Jensen got a smear of blood all over his temple. He wouldn’t let himself cry but he did release a shuddering breath that aired on the edge of a cry. “Leave it by the door.”

“I don't think you want me to do that.”

"Leave it by the door damn it!" Jensen stood up and went over to the door, cracking it open to get across just how serious he was. Cliff’s shocked face made him aware of what he must look like.

"Ok sir, whatever you say." Cliff dropped the box by Jensen's door. “You sure you’re okay, sir?”

“I’m fine!” Jensen snapped and nothing about his words denoted truth.

Cliff’s job done, he threw his hands up and shook his head while making it back to the lobby.

Jensen waited a short moment before opening the door, until he could be sure that Clif was in fact out of sight so he wouldn’t have to face the security officer with his definitely  _not_  fine state. Swinging the door open wider revealed a cardboard box on the floor with small holes cut out. He leaned down and opened it. The female Jack Russell, the one named Juliet, jumped out and licked at the salty streaks Jensen hadn’t realized were lining his face. She was wearing a party hat that said November and had on a plastic beaded necklace that said the month as well. On further inspection, his hands came in contact with a key that could only belong to Jared's apartment. Growling, Jensen picked her up and she yelped in surprise as they stormed over to Jared's apartment.

***

"Jared! What do you think you’re doing?" Jensen started jogging the steps up to Jared's apartment, screaming loud enough so that Jared would hear him. “Why are you sending me dogs?!” When he stuck the key in the door and opened it, he realized all his angry yellow was for nothing. All he could hear was loud music, it practically pulsed through the room. The puppy was still in hand when he found Jared, dressed in those distracting loose fitting jeans that hung off him and his hips, and a tight gray t-shirt. He was singing loudly to the music, rocking out and in the middle of an impressive air-guitar solo when he caught Jensen watching him and gasped.

“Juliet!” Running over, he grabbed the puppy and held her up in the air before cuddling her to his chest. “I missed you!"

“Do you think you’re funny?" Jensen stood there in shock at Jared’s calm demeanor.

"No, why? Do you?" Jared grabbed Jensen's hand, the one with the cut, and attempted to drag him into his air band.

Pulling his hand away, Jensen hissed. "Oww!" Jared had unknowingly dug his fingers into the slash and now that it had been messed with again, it burned and started bleeding.

"Oh, let me take a look at that." Jared grabbed his hand and examined the wound. His touches became tender as he explored the wound.

Jensen felt like he had whiplash from how all over the place Jared’s actions were. “Why?”

“Because I’m a vampire and I want to feed.” Jared grinned at his quip before softening his eyes. “Because it’s bleeding and it looked like it might get infected. Come ‘ere.” He sighed and watched the way Jensen’s wound made two lips. "Yuck." Pulling Jensen into his bathroom, he wasted no time in sticking the cut under cool water to better see what he was working with. His eyes spotted Jensen's watch and he yanked it off. "I hate watches. Who cares about time right?" Jared dumped it into the garbage pail. "What's wrong with you? You aren't your normal argumentative self."

"I lost my job today."

"Ohh, Jensen…” He sighed and blew the hair out of his face so Jensen could see the sentiment in his eyes. It was quickly replaced by something bright and excited. “But that’s perfect.”

“You need to look up the definition of perfect. This is practically as far away from perfect as I can get.”

“But we can start tonight! You can be my November!" Jared opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out some gauze and ointment. He sat Jensen down on the lid of the toilet and set about to tending the wound.

“I lost everything. They took the company car, the credit cards, the…the…” Jensen's eyes were fixed on Jared's ministrations. He watched every movement and shivered when Jared’s fingers flitted over his palm and smoothed down the bandage with care. “I also lost my girlfriend.”

“See, like I said. Perfect.” Jared grinned.

“Why? Why is it perfect?”

“Because there isn’t anything stopping you from being my November. So it’s perfect.”

“You’re serious about this?” Jensen scoffed.

“Absolutely.”

“You just want me to drop  _everything_?”

“Every  _what_? I hate to burst your bubble but you seem to have lost  _everything_.”

“And I…I…I…what? I live here? You think I should just live here, with  _you_ and let you psychoanalyze me because you think you can fix me? I’m not exactly broken.”

“Jenny…you…you really are, though.” Jared turned Jensen’s hand over in his hand and made sure the bandage was secured. “But, yeah. That’s exactly what I think you should do.” His hazel eyes sparked at Jensen when he smiled softly.

When Jared was done he placed the things back into the cabinet, he returned, falling onto his knees between Jensen’s spread thighs and started to unbutton Jensen's dress shirt unbearably slow. "What are you doing?"

Jared's hand slid across Jensen's warm chest. "Taking off your shirt.” Giving a side smirk, he shimmied the fabric off. “You smell like puppy pee." With a wink, he grabbed the shirt and walked out of the bathroom. "Clean yourself up and then come join me."

Jared walked over to the kitchen sink and held the collar of Jensen’s shirt, the un-peed on part, to his nose, inhaling the man’s scent. It made him sigh and he held it close to his body. He knew fate would throw Jensen back into his world and this time he wasn’t getting away. He busied himself with scrubbing Jensen’s shirt, ringing it out and by the time he hung it to dry, Jensen was taking tentative steps towards him.

"Thank you, Jared."

Jared turned around to meet Jensen's eyes. Sincerity was there, right in the middle of Jensen’s tone, and Jared liked hearing it on his tongue. “You’re welcome.”

And no more words were issued as the two gravitated towards each other. Jared was there, looking like a person who needed something as much as Jensen finally realized he did. It took him losing everything, including his own blood to realize that maybe he wasn’t as put together as he thought he was. “One night. This  _thing_ …it’s…” He stopped talking when he felt Jared’s magnetic pull again. Their mouths met in a primal urge, lips pressing into each other and teeth clashing in an awkward, un-honed gesture. Eventually, Jensen warred his tongue inside Jared’s mouth before roughly grabbing the man and attempting to pull his shirt off.

"Slowly, Jensen." Jared pulled out of Jensen's grip only to be pulled back in again by greedy, desperate hands. Jared's fingers traced the lines of Jensen's chest, caressing the flesh there. "Slowly," he reminded as he kissed Jensen again, breaking away before it got to deep. “Gently, ‘kay. It’s not a race.” He gave a teasing nip to Jensen’s lips.

Jensen grunted and pushed Jared down onto the couch, leaning him over the armrest. He kept trying to manhandle Jared but the man was blocking his every attempt, pulling away just enough to keep their actions soft rather than the fast, hot, and dirty kind Jensen felt he needed right now. His knee-jerk reaction to control reared its head and he used a quick action to pull Jared closer. Reaching one hand under Jared's shirt he twisted his nipples.

“Hey! Jensen! Slowly!” Jensen continued his ministrations, putting more weight on Jared and grinding his hips into him. “Jensen, this isn't that comfortable. Maybe if we…”

Suddenly Jensen's weight was gone, leaving Jared all alone on the couch. Hair mussed from their actions, Jared gave an adorable confused scan of the room before finding Jensen radiating annoyance and tugging his still damp shirt on. "Jensen what? Where are you going?"

"You act like I’ve never made love before."

"I am sure you haven't! You may have fucked people before, but I doubt you’ve ever made love.”

Jared's accusation spun Jensen’s world on its head. He’d had plenty of experience in bed, he knew what parts went where and how it was supposed to work. The fact that Jared was fighting him on this, trying to fine tune his actions made him want to punch that sweet determination right off his face. But it also made him want to rip his clothing off and have his way with him. Get what he wanted just like he got everything he wanted. It infuriated him. Fuming, he dressed even faster and took the steps two at a time, bursting out to a fresh rainfall.

Jared was hot on his heels, the pouring rain making his hair fall flat against his forehead so that he had to push it out of his yes. “Come on, Jensen!” Chasing after the older man, his voice turned into an earnest plea. "Please Jensen, don't go! I can help you."

Throwing his hands up, Jensen turned and yelled through the rain. "Everything with you is strange. I don’t…I don’t get you! I can’t figure you out! You act as if I know nothing. You keep telling me ‘slowly’ and ‘gently’ as if I have no clue what I am doing."

“I am trying to re-teach you.  _I’m trying to help you_. Please don't go.  _Please_.” Opening his arms, Jared looked broken. His shirt darkened with the rain and clung to him, and he brushed more droplets out of his eyelashes with the back of his hand. He ran to Jensen and tugged him towards the apartment, pressing their bodies together so they could stare into each other’s eyes in silence for a moment. Cupping Jensen’s face, he kept up the eye contact. “Please.” He braved a soft kiss to Jensen’s shell-shocked lips. "Be my November...."

Jensen had to give it to Jared, he was persistent and persuasive. If he still had a job at Miller’s Advertising, he’d almost entertain the idea of having Jared on his team. Jared made it hard to say no. "For only one day." Jensen let the tension fall from his body and knew the other man had won. His arms fell around Jared’s waist and they collided.

“I'll take it. I'll take any time I can get with you." Laughing with relief, Jared pulled Jensen back into the apartment, happy that the other man let himself be led in a slow drag up the stairs and back to where things between them were starting to deepen. They were dripping water everyplace and Jared laughed at the fact that it seemed to bother Jensen. “Don’t worry about it. It’s water. It’ll dry.”

“It’s just…it’s…”

“Shh,” Jared grabbed Jensen by the collar of his shirt and yanked him close enough so that their lips brushed as they spoke. "Jensen, will you be my November?" He leaned in and kissed Jensen harshly, his tongue pushing its way into his mouth and coaxing Jensen’s lips to move against his.

"Yes." Jensen’s heart sped up at the insanity of it all. He added to the kiss but instead of pawing at Jared like he was a piece of meat, he reached a hand up to gently comb up his neck and into his damp hair, maneuvering their heads so that their lips synched up perfectly. It took a few moments of kissing to realize that he was panting, his lips swollen and smiling against Jared’s. It was  _light._

Walking backwards, they took their time peeling off their wet garments, Jared making a game out of it and laughing as he tugged his shirt off teasingly. When they were naked, their bodies floated together so that the heat of their chests shut out the chill from the rain. Jensen had to keep himself in check to limit the demanding quality of his touches but he was rewarded by a satisfied keen from Jared and a gentle persuading direction towards the bed.

Jared pulled their lips apart so that their noses brushed and he ran a hand down the flanks of Jensen’s body. Eyes closing in satisfaction, Jared hummed and pushed on Jensen’s shoulders so that he’d take a seat on the bed. “This is your November. I’m yours. I’m…” He sighed a pushed Jensen back so that he could blanket the man with his own body. “Let me show you love, Jensen." Jared kissed Jensen's nose and led a wet trail of kisses to Jensen's neck. He let his tongue flick across the salty flesh and traced the pulse points down Jensen’s neck so that he felt the excitement bubbling up in the man. When he closed his lips around the tender flesh and sucked gently, he showed Jensen that the action could be affectionate, not desperate. He felt Jensen let out a little moan as he suckled the flesh and smiled, abandoning his actions to trail small kisses down his collarbone. “I can show you love. Not being in love but what love can be.” Kissing all the way down to his darkened nipples and took them into his mouth, running his tongue over them, treating them so gently that it was a stark contrast to Jensen’s previous actions. He took his time, giving equal attention to the other one when he was satisfied that the first was well stimulated.

Jensen gasped. He felt Jared’s fingers dancing over his skin and he shivered over how soft they were. The anticipation over where this was going was making him want to flip Jared on his back and speed this whole process up but then he’d lose the feeling of Jared’s kisses and that delicious mouth doing amazing things to him. Time dragged on and Jensen felt himself melting into the mattress.

Jared inched his body down lower so his face was near Jensen's thighs and he dropped soothing kisses on his inner and outer thighs, tracing the connective line where thigh met pelvis like he was trying to worship every square inch of flesh. He nuzzled the soft heat with his nose and inhaled Jensen. He practically purred when he made cat like movements and rolled against Jensen, kissing him the whole time. After he was content with the attention he paid to Jensen's thighs, he kissed down Jensen's legs till he reached his feet and gave them similar treatment by kissing up and down each leg. When he finished, he sat up to look at Jensen's face. It was exactly what he was aiming for. The man was, finally, completely calm. The tense energy that strummed through him seemed to be caged away somewhere, his muscles relaxed, and his face calm.

"That is how you do it slow, Jenny. But I’m sick of slow. How about we quicken the pace?" Jensen didn't need to answer for Jared to know what his response would be. Smirking, he sat back on his heels and surveyed what he was working with. Jensen’s cock was laid out before him, thickening up and curving against his belly. It was, in Jared’s opinion, something he was eager to include in their activities. Letting one hand tip-toe up Jensen’s thigh, He curled it around Jensen’s growing arousal and teased it. With his other hand, he reached up and under the pillow, retrieving a bottle of lube he’d stashed there. Setting the bottle beside his thighs, he waited until Jensen opened his eyes and met his gaze. He wanted Jensen to see this, to know how mutual the action could be. It wasn’t about taking or getting, it was about being in it. Smiling, he let his tongue snake out across the head of Jensen’s dick and swirl enough times to lap up the beads of pre-come gathering there.

Jensen’s hips thrust upward into the wet heat but Jared held him steady. “Jared!”

“Shh, easy. It’s okay. Let me do this. We’ll get there.” He resumed his licking, sucking teasingly on the cockhead before rolling his tongue around it. Everything was drawn out so that they had to bask in it. Jared licked a solid stipe up from the base of Jensen’s dick to the tip and sighed. He kept it up, licking up and down, as if it were a lollipop, and then swallowed him down in a fluid motion.

Jensen couldn’t help it. The buildup had been enough to get him crazy and now Jensen needed more of that suction. He whined loudly and actually let himself continue making those noises as he tried to get Jared to take him deeper. He couldn’t get there. Jared was reaching up and holding him still, all while rolling his tongue around the hardened flesh. He was in control and Jensen had to sit back and roll with it as Jared sucked Jensen increasingly harder, pumping his arousal in and out of his mouth faster.

Jensen was a moaning mess of trying to buck his hips by the time Jared pulled Jensen out of his mouth with a loud pop and opened the small tube, applying some of the lubricant to his fingers.

Eyes hooded with lust, Jensen propped himself up on one arm to look down at the younger man. “Jared, wha’?”

“Shh, it’s gonna feel so good. Let me show you.”

The way the words rolled off Jared’s tongue made Jensen shiver with absolute faith in them. He arched his back and offered his weeping dick up to the man, spreading his legs a bit so that he could wrap them around Jared’s hips.

Content with the coating of lube on his fingers, Jared went back to sucking Jensen, pumping him in and out of his mouth at a quickening pace. He teased his lube coated hand over Jensen’s balls and cupped them gently, jolting every nerve there to life.

"Ahh Jared! More." Jensen broke free of Jared's hold and pumped into Jared's mouth, the tip of his dick hitting the back of Jared’s throat, causing a rush of pleasure to run up and down Jensen's body.

Jared took the opportunity to grab Jensen's legs, push them up and out, and throw them over his shoulders. The sight of Jensen spread eagle was enough to make Jared come then and there. He was human after all and hearing Jensen fall apart was doing things to his own dick, bobbing strong and proud between them. He had a job to do first. Pumping Jensen into his mouth without missing a beat, he traced a finger over the furl of muscle behind his balls, trailing his finger over it repeatedly. He felt Jensen move his bottom down towards the finger and took it as a cue to carefully push it inside

The tension in Jensen’s body slammed into place immediately at the intrusion and feeling too vulnerable under Jared’s ministrations. Thankfully, Jared took the opportunity to do some amazing things with his mouth and make Jensen’s eyes roll back. He did it again and Jensen bit his lip to stop himself from coming down Jared’s mouth. It was  _amazing_. Jared’s talented mouth kept him distracted enough to relax while a skilled finger started pumping inside him, slowly stretching Jensen before a second finger was added.

Jared’s long fingers explored the tight muscle and worked it open. He took his time, making sure Jensen was hooked on the edge of an orgasm before he added a third and scissored them. When he started to pump them, searching out more ways to pleasure the man, he heard Jensen let out a strangled moan as he brushed something deep inside Jensen and knew he’d found what he was looking for. Jared did it again, pumping Jensen in time with his own mouth and again his fingertips hit Jensen's prostate, causing the man to shudder.

"Jared! Mmm, fuck!" Jensen started buck down on Jared's fingers and let himself unravel. His heart was pounding, there was thin sheen of sweat over his chest and he thought he might die if he didn’t get more of Jared.

The noises Jensen was making were addictive and Jared had to pull away from sucking the man off so that he could watch Jensen fuck himself on his fingers. He let out a surprised yelp when Jensen reached down and grabbed Jared's hand, forcing his fingers to go deeper and brush Jensen's prostate again. He couldn’t stop staring as Jensen threw his head back into the pillow, moaned, and exposed his neck. Jensen was unbelievable. He looked beautiful laying there, exposed and human, his head tossing in pleasure, his mouth letting out little gasps of enjoyment. "Come, Jensen." Jared returned to sucking Jensen, quickening his actions and increasing the pressure. He pumped his fingers into Jensen at the same time, brushing his prostate with each thrust.

It didn't take long before Jensen came, letting a stream of his release fill Jared's mouth. “Holy, shit!” Fisting the bed sheets, Jensen went rigid as pleasure spiked and his vision whited out.

Jared kept himself steady and allowed Jensen to empty himself into his waiting mouth and kept a hold on Jensen's twitching hips as the orgasm rolled through him. When it was over, he slowly pulled the spent flesh from his mouth and licked it clean. Letting Jensen's legs fall to the bed, he crawled up Jensen's side and gently kissed his panting lips. "Like?"

Jensen nodded with a silly smile on his lips and pulled on Jared's hair, bringing the man in for another little kiss. "I’ve never felt anything like that."

“I know." Jared pushed Jensen's damp hair out of his face, kissing his forehead. His still hard erection pressed against Jensen's side in the process and the connection made him moan.

Jensen searched at Jared's face. "What about you?"

“Don't worry about me, I'll get mine very soon." Jared stroked Jensen's chest with one finger.

Raising an eyebrow in amusement, Jensen smirked. After the world’s best blow job, Jensen was eager for more. “Ohh yeah?” When Jensen knew Jared was watching, Jensen spread his legs, an open invitation to Jared.

Jared had preached for slow and then he catapulted their relationship into high gear but he wasn’t sorry in the least. Watching Jensen’s legs come apart to reveal a well prepped hole made his dick twitch. The fact that Jensen was offering it, rather than taking it, made his heart flutter and a sigh came to his lips. “You sure?"

"Yes." Jensen pulled Jared to sit on top of him.

"Well your stamina could come in handy." Jared reached for a condom on the bedside table and the tube, but Jensen took them from him. "You learn fast."

Jensen smiled and opened the foil packet. He licked his lips as he rolled the latex down Jared’s sizable length before taking the lube, squirting some into his palm and rubbing his hands together to warm it up. Alternating both hands, he stroked Jared's dripping member, pumping him with his fist.

Upon finally receiving the touch he had been waiting for all night, Jared moaned and arched his back. He looked down to watch just how thorough of a job Jensen was doing in coating Jared's erection, stroking him gently. His eyes had a hungriness to them and Jared hoped he’d be able to satisfy it. "Enough Jensen."

Jared pulled away from Jensen's hands, once again flipping the man’s legs over his shoulders. “I won't hurt you. Slow, remember?” Jared was poised at Jensen's entrance but didn’t dare move until the other man nodded. Once giving the signal, he slowly pushed past the ring of muscle. Jared bit his lip to control himself against the tight pull of Jensen’s heat but he managed. “Look at me, Jensen. Slow.”

Jensen gasped and let out a frantic breath before getting hold on the situation. The parts of his brain that were screaming to run away from the vulnerable situation were silenced when he felt Jared cover his lips with a tender kiss. He held onto that and let his body open to the intrusion. He’d been in this position before but never like this. This was different than anything he’d experienced. There was no one in control and no one without control. It made no sense but when he moaned and asked Jared to move, the man did. When his body tenses over the action being too quick, the man slowed down. That alone made Jensen shiver and devour Jared’s lips.

This was Jared’s favorite part. He felt the realization washing over Jensen and his heart exploded. Drawing out, he shivered when he pushed back in, a bit farther this time. He repeated that process until he was seated deep inside the man and both their bodies were humming with contentment.

Jared stayed like that, kissing Jensen's face, waiting for Jensen to kick things into gear. It was so painfully slow that Jared thought he might come and be done with it but it made the action all the more sweeter when Jensen clenched his passage around Jared's shaft, causing Jared to moan loudly. He did it again, receiving the same response.

“Jensen, you're evil.” Jared laughed and buried his face in Jensen's shoulder as his hips started to move, pumping in and out of Jensen. "Fuck, Jensen. I could come right now. God, I want to." Jared nipped at Jensen's ear as he pumped deeper, the tip of his erection brushing against Jensen's prostate. Jensen’s heat was intoxicating and he nibbled along Jensen’s jaw line mumbling, “so good. So good.”

Jared couldn't do slow any longer and started to pump into Jensen quickly, making long, hard strokes into Jensen's waiting passage. When he thrust in, Jensen would let out a little moan, his fingers digging into Jared's back. Rocking deeper inside Jensen, he set a rhythm and let his hips take over. His brain was out of the equation. Jared let out a grunt and pounded into Jensen, grabbing the man by the waist and sat up. In this new position, the two were pressed against each other. Jensen’s knees were still hooked on Jared's shoulder and Jared could feel Jensen's renewed erection pressing into his abs.

"Fuck me harder, Jared." Jensen growled into Jared's ear as Jared's grip on his waist tightened. There was a demand there but also a plea. He held onto Jared and moved with him, screaming when Jared let go with one hand so that he could stroke Jensen's arousal, pumping it in time with his thrusts.

"Jensen! You’re gonna make me come! You’re gonna…nng!" Jared pounded into Jensen a few more times before he exploded in the condom, his dick pulsing as he finally reached his release.

Jensen bit into Jared's neck as he felt him going off inside of him. Knowing what was actually happening coupled with the feeling of Jared stretching him wide, threw him over the edge and he came for the second time that night, his seed coating their stomachs as well as Jared's fist.

Coming down from the orgasm was as slow as the rest of the process had been. Neither man dared move or speak. They clung to each other, afraid to break the moment. Between panting and trying to see straight, they shared soft, lazy kisses.

Jared held Jensen close to him, maneuvering them so that they fell on their sides and his dick slipped out of Jensen. He removed the condom, tying it up before tossing it in the bin. Jensen’s hair was sweaty and sticking to his neck when Jared went in to kiss him there and nuzzle the area behind his ears. “That's love, November.”

Jensen snorted. He wasn’t sure what  _that_  was but if it’s love, then he never experienced it before. He wanted to say something snarky but the happy haziness of his orgasm wouldn’t let him. Instead, he curled around Jared and managed to pull a sheet over them. He’s only staying one night, so he guessed it’s only fair that they curl up together.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Waking to an empty bed was no strange occurrence for Jensen but his brain picked up on the fact that something felt  _off_. Smacking his lips and squinting against the morning light, he picked up on the fact that light shouldn’t be there. He has specialized shades that keep as much light out as possible. The room he’s currently in is bathed in light and when he blinks open his eyes, Jensen realizes he’s in an airy, blind-less room.  _Jared’s_ , Jensen’s brain provided for him. Stretching, he grimaced when a twinge of pain ran through his body and muscles.

Images from last night flooded his brain and he groaned, rolling over and using the pillow to block out the light. Last night was  _amazing._ While he wasn’t one to sugar coat and romanticize things, Jensen was smart enough to admit when something has an impact on him. When something alters his thoughts enough for him to respect them or it.

Unable to find sleep again, he yawned and stepped out of bed in blissful nakedness. Scanning the room, he found nothing wearable but a pair of boxer shorts with hearts on them. “Seriously?” Sighing, he slipped them on, letting them ride low on his waist. He was alone but the smells coming from the kitchen indicated that Jared probably wasn’t too far. Following his nose, he found Jared messing with something on the stove, his ass practically mesmerizing in fitted jeans and his shoulder blades defined through the thin fabric of his worn tee, making Jensen wonder if the man owned anything that  _wasn’t_ well worn.

Alerted to Jensen’s presence, Jared turned and grinned. Texas accent thick, his eyes smoldered as he slid over to Jensen and hooked him around the waist, tugging him closer. “Hey darlin’. Good mornin’.” He kissed Jensen’s cheek and went back to wearing a smug smirk.

Jensen received the kiss with a slightly baffled look on his face. Everything about this morning should be weird, the awkward morning after sex with someone one barely knows. But it wasn’t there for Jared. “Jared, where is my clothing?” He swallowed and pulled himself away from the man to look around the rest of the apartment, tripping over Romeo and Juliet in the process.

Shrugging, Jared nonchalantly said, “I gave them away.” Opening the refrigerator, he pulled out several eggs. “How do you like your eggs?”

“Ha ha, very funny Jared. Where are they?” Jensen walked up behind the younger man.

“I told you. I gave them away. They were too serious and business like. You need to live a little. Breathe. We don’t need those clothes. But! Being the wonderful person that I am, have gotten you new clothing.” Cracking an egg into the frying pan, he gave a Cheshire grin. “You can say thank you now.”

Jensen’s brain was hung up on Jared’s first statement. “ _You gave away my clothes?_  Do you have any idea how much those pants cost me?”

“No. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to give you something priceless.” He dropped a box of frozen waffles on the counter next to a paper bag before revealing the bag’s contents to Jensen. Tossing a pair of jeans at Jensen, he shouted, “pants.” He then tossed a tricolored form fitting baseball tee at Jensen. "And a shirt!" A zip up sweatshirt joined the pile building in Jensen’s arms. “And even a jacket. Now aren't I nice?” Jared threw the empty bag away and went back to toasting the waffles and finishing the eggs. “You want some fruit on your waffles?” Jared looked over his shoulder at Jensen, who looked like steam was about to come out of his ears. “What?”

“You took my stuff.  _My stuff._  Why?" Looking at the clothing he’d received, Jensen screwed his face up in confusion. This was not his stuff. This was alien and casual. It wasn’t the exoskeleton that he hid himself in.

“‘Cause it’s liberating.” Jared divvied up the scrambled eggs and put a waffle on each plate and handed one to Jensen with a fluid movement as he brushed past him and busied himself with the coffee maker.

Jensen took his plate and dropped it onto the table, content to glower at Jared for the moment.

“Get dressed first Jensen. Then you can stare daggers at me to your heart’s content. You’re too distracting like this. I might just let you kill me with the looks those handsome green eyes are giving me.” When Jensen bent down to snatch up the clothing, giving Jared a wonderful view of his firm ass, Jared whistled and smacked it, making Jensen jump.

Stepping away to keep whatever was left of his dignity intact, Jensen dressed quickly. The jeans fit, which must have been some type of magic trick on Jared’s part. Just as he was zipping the sweatshirt over his new shirt, he heard the apartment door open and wondered where the hell Jared was going. “Jared?” Stepping back into the kitchen, he realized that Jared was still right where he left him but another man had entered the room. His hair was mussed and he looked tired as he made a bee-line towards Jared.

“Good morning Jared, love.” The newcomer walked over to Jared and kissed him innocently on the lips. Jared wrapped his arms around the shorter man’s body and squeezed him tight, leaving Jensen to stare in confusion. When the two men parted, the stranger leaned over Jared and took a mug out of the cabinet, and filled it with the fresh coffee that was brewing.

"Mornin’, Misha. You're looking gorgeous as always."

“God love you for a liar.” Misha patted Jared’s cheek and took a sip of his coffee. “I was out till three in the morning last night, an hour longer than I was supposed to be on. And then I got home to a lovely round with insomnia.”

“Did you try the tea I gave you?” Jared asked.

“Tea? Really, Jared? Tried the bourbon and the sheep counting. Finally passed out when I tried to watch  _The New World_. It always does it.”

The familiarity between the two men was palpable and Jensen had no idea what to make of that. There was a gracefulness about the way they moved together, almost finishing and beginning each other’s statements. Misha exuded a sense of belonging there.

Jensen did not. He cleared his throat awkwardly and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Jared broke out of his conversation with Misha and gestured towards Jensen. “Oh, Jensen! This is Misha. Misha, this is Jensen.”

“You must be November, nice to meet you.” He looked Jensen over before Misha turned back towards Jared with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. “He's a sexy one.”

“ _He’s_  standing right here.” Jensen tugged on his shirt to cover the sliver of skin that had been exposed and faced the two, who were still tangled up in each other’s limbs. “Nice to…uhh…meet you, too.”

“My clothing looks good on you, Jensen.” Misha laughed as he sipped his coffee. “Those jeans were way too big for me anyway.”

“Your clothing?” Jensen looked at him puzzled.

“Yeah, but I tell you what, why don't you keep ‘em?” Misha turned back to Jared and gave him another kiss on the lips. “I’ve got to get out of here now, love. Things to do, a big boy life to lead. Thanks for the coffee.” Misha set the mug in the sink and walked off towards the door, waving as he went. “Again, nice meeting you Mr. November.”

Jensen and Jared both watched him go, Jared with a laugh on his lips and Jensen with furrowed brows. “What the hell was that? Your boyfriend?” Jensen accused.

Scoffing in surprise at the question, Jared reared back, looking slightly disgusted at the implication. “Hell no! That was just Misha. He lives down stairs from me. We take care of each other.” Jared shook his head and plopped down in a chair, stuck a fork into his waffle and started to devour it. “Hurry up and eat, Jensen, or it will get cold.”

Jensen stood frozen as he watched Jared eat like nothing completely abnormal just happened. Running a hand through his hair, he had several false starts before letting out, “Jared, I hate to tell you this, but this is really weirding me out. This  _guy_  just comes in here, kisses you, pours a cup of coffee, and leaves. That sounds like a boyfriend.”

Mouthful of food, Jared made an open palmed gesture. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I told you, we look out for each other.”

“Misha looks like a capable man. I’m pretty sure he can take care of himself and make his own coffee.”

“Christ, Jensen, he’s my best friend.” Jared munched on a strawberry, his tongue snaking out to lick at it. "Just drop it, come on and eat, we have a busy day.”

Jensen sighed and flopped down into the chair, stuffing the waffle into his mouth like it was his job. He had no idea why he was still there. Every sign was pointing to the fact that he should run like the wind for the nearest sane location.

“Jensen, stop looking like it’s the end of the world and cheer up. He’s just my friend. You have those, right?"

“Yes, I have  _those_.” Jensen shoveled the last bit into his mouth and dropped the plate into the sink. "Ok, I'm done. Happy?”

“Did you even taste it going down?” Jared kicked his feet up on the table and enjoyed his coffee with deliberately slow sips. “Try to be a bit more enthusiastic will you? Otherwise my 'treatment' won’t work.” Jared let Jensen stew in his own thoughts for a moment before abandoning his coffee to grab Jensen's hand, pull him close and give him a deep kiss. “Now come on, otherwise no getting naked tonight.” Getting to his feet, he tossed a part of hiking boots at Jensen. “And oh yeah, you’re going to need these.”

***

There was a trickle of sweat making its way down Jensen’s spine. He shielded his eyes and looked down the path they had traveled. “Just how many miles are we hiking this trail?”

“Why,  _tired_?” Jared laughed and jogged back towards Jensen. “Come on, just a little bit more. Promise. It’ll be worth it.” He tugged on Jensen’s arm and pulled him, making the older man stumble over his own feet before getting his balance.

By the time Jared deemed them “there”, Jensen was breathing harder and sweating more. He was in shape; he worked out often, but the elements mixed with the elevation was making things tougher on Jensen.

“Come one. Sit with me.” Jared indicated a clearing overlooking a spans of nature before making way to briefest glimpses of the city. Jared sprawled out on the surface of a large rock and swung his backpack around to rest on the area between his legs.

Jensen got down beside him and wiped the sweat from his brow. “Hiking? That’s your part of your  _therapy_?” He raised a skeptical eyebrow to Jared. “God, you’re not even winded.”

“Nah, I am. I’m just not as much of a baby about it as you are.” Jared laughed. “Kidding.” Fishing in his bag, he pulled out a soft cooler just large enough for two bottles and revealed two chilled beers. “We should be drinking the water I brought but I think you deserve this. Plus, you get a pretty nice buzz when you’re dehydrated.” Popping the cap, he handed it to Jensen.

“Thanks.” Jensen took a greedy drink, letting the cool liquid quench his thirst.

“Isn’t this beautiful? I love being up here. You know? Just appreciating being alive and being part of this world. It’s…” he let his words fade out as he studied Jensen. “Have you let yourself appreciate life like this? To live without the confines of a strict schedule? Have you ever really breathed?”

“Well, yeah. I breathe every day.”

“But, it’s different up here. The fresh air, it’s what life is all about.” To demonstrate, Jared took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes while he let it out through his mouth. “Come on, try it.”

Jensen mimicked Jared’s actions at a much quicker pace. Breathing in and out in the span of a second.

“No, come on, Jensen. Humor me.” He made a gesture for Jensen to follow his lead and took an exaggerated breath.

Rolling his eyes, Jensen played along. He let the air fill his lungs and stay there for a moment before exhaling. After several breaths, he felt a calm wash over him and closed his eyes. “Okay, so…this is nice.”

“Told you!” Jared pulled out two peanut butter sandwiches.

As they ate, they didn’t talk. It wasn’t as awkward as Jensen thought it could have been. It was liberating. There were no deadlines, no pressure and nothing to rattle his brain. He watched as Jared laid down on the rock, stretching his arms behind his head and lengthening his body. It was too tempting to ignore. He figured sporadically making out with a handsome man in nature would align with Jared’s therapy for the day.

Based on the Jared’s content hum and the way he wrapped his arms around Jensen when Jensen crawled over Jared’s body to press their lips together, Jensen was right.

***

Jared knew he was turning Jensen’s world upside down. He watched the man tense at being introduced to so many new people and he tested Jensen’s patience when said people wanted to chat Jensen’s ears off. The beauty of the situation was they wanted to talk for the pure joy of being social. They had no agenda or ulterior motive. They wanted to share their stories and Jared laughed when Jensen didn’t know what to make of that.

In the end, Jared helped him. Chiming in when he saw Jensen grasping for an entrance into the conversation.

The minute Jensen cracked, the exact moment he laughed at a joke the homeless man Jared had befriended given Jensen’s clothes to, Jared knew they were making progress. Although, the slow realization that rose on Jensen’s face when he figured out exactly why the homeless man’s pants looked familiar was adorable.

The day was still young and after their hike, Jared dragged Jensen with him on his charity route. It was Thursday, which meant he had to walk several foster dogs and deliver packaged meals to the elderly in the apartment building beside his.

As the two walked through the city, the breeze in the autumn air spurred Jared’s energy. They stopped by a house where Jared made small talk with people who worked for the same animal rescue organization that he volunteered for while Jensen was assaulted by 5 jumping, licking, barking, slobber machines.

“Jared!” Jensen complained as he was toppled over by a Great Dane and received a thorough lick to his entire face. “Ugh, gross. Jared,” he whined, “a little help here?”

“Duke, off!” Jared yanked the gigantic lap dog off Jensen and clipped a leash onto his collar. “Come on, they’ll be happier once we get them outside. We may not have a strict schedule but these guys need their walk like clockwork.” He offered a hand to Jensen.

Before their walk route really hit its stride, Jensen posed a question to Jared as he wrangled two of the dogs. “How much do they pay you for this?”

“They don’t. I volunteer. The shelter is 100% volunteer based and they need all the help they can get. We rent two shelter locations but when those are full up, we rely on people who can foster dogs while a forever home is found for them. The Martins have been great. They foster more dogs than they probably should but I don’t know what the shelter would do without them. They always take big dogs. The ones we have trouble fostering.” Jared smiled and jogged to keep up with the three dogs he was walking. “I love dogs.”

“I’ve realized.” Jensen said with a nod towards the pack they were herding.

“They like it and it’s relaxing for me. Win-win.” Crouching down as they approached a beach, he unclipped their leashes. “You can let them go.”

Jensen did just that, literally dropping the leashes and letting the dogs run wild.

Jared snorted and shook his head before chasing after the dogs through the sand and surf. “Run puppies! Just don't tell on us.” He tackled a few dogs, rolling around in the sand with them, leaving Jensen to plop down and watch.

Jensen pulled his knees to his chest and rested his chin on one of them. He couldn’t help but watch Jared follow the dogs to the edge of the water, the bottoms of his jeans absorbing the salty liquid and darkening them. Jared ruffled the dogs’ fur and gave loud thumps to their chests as they raced each other to the left and right. It surprised Jensen to see their antics end so abruptly when Jared wavered but whatever change his mood just went through was obsolete when he tumbled into the sand with a dog and laughed as it licked at his face.

If this was Jared’s therapy, then it was only serving to mess Jensen up further because now he was pretty sure his mind just entertained the idea of actually being jealous of the dog.

***   

“I’ve been trying to figure it out all day. Seriously. Racking my brain about it. But I don’t get it.” Jensen took a lick of his ice cream cone and couldn’t remember the last time he’d enjoyed an actual ice cream cone. A carton of ice cream, sure. But a cone? Not recently. “Tell me, why do you find such pleasure in doing simple tasks like these?” The hand wrapped around Jared tugged him closer. They had dropped the dogs back home and were sitting on a park bench beside a large pond.

Jared crumbled some of the stale bread on his lap and threw it to the ducks eager to gobble it down. “There isn’t much to it. I like focusing on the simple things. That’s what makes life worth while. When you force yourself to do the little things, then you appreciate everything so much more.” Jared shifted his hips closer to Jensen for warmth while chomping on an ice pop. “Fuck, it’s cold.”

“You’re eating an ice pop. You’re doing it to yourself.” Jensen blindly searched the air. “Besides, it’s not that cold.”

“Say’s you.”

Jensen felt the shiver run through Jared’s body and though the man was fighting against it and trying to keep his energetic smile in space, he looked exhausted. “Here,” he said as he pulled off his sweatshirt and helped drape it across Jared’s shoulders.

Jared didn’t hesitate. He shoved his arms in the sleeves and zipped it up. “Thanks.”

“You gave it to me in the first place. Or should I say, Misha gave it to me.” He earned himself an unenthused look from Jared. “What I don’t get is how you can be so carefree. Schedules are a good thing. It helps ensure that things get done. Haven’t you ever had a job?”

“I  _have_ a job, thank you very much. A job that I can’t currently do because I can’t drive. That van you saw? Padalecki’s Pups? That’s my mobile pet grooming business which I can’t focus on right now since I’m not  _mobile._ ” There was a hint of an accusation and annoyance in Jared’s voice. “And I’m good at my job, by the way. I keep schedules and  _everything_  and have loyal customers.” Jared’s tone changed as if he was trying to prove his worth to Jensen.

“Are you going to hold that against me forever?” Jensen turned soft eyes on Jared and sighed.

“No, I’m over it. I just wanted to let you know that you were very inconvenient. I’m a saint for even offering to look past that and help you out.”

“Oh, you’re a saint, huh?”

“Yes. I am.” Jared nodded determinedly before giving Jensen a dimpled grin and leaning closer. “Oh, Jenny, you got…” he let his actions finish the sentence as he kissed a dollop of ice cream at the corner of Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen turned his head so that Jared’s tongue slid towards the middle of his lips and they got caught up in a kiss. It was soft and sweet and they lost themselves to it completely as the sunlight started fading. Brushing their lips together, Jensen whispered, “Jared, you're not going to be upset when I have to leave tonight, are you? I told you I could only stay for a day.”

Jared nipped at Jensen’s lips and kissed rather than responded. He trailed a hand up Jensen’s chest and grabbed the man’s jaw, holding him in place and taking control of the kiss. “I won't be upset. I know exactly what you’ll do.”

“No you don’t. You don’t know me.”

Un-thwarted, Jared kept going. “You’ll go home, be bored, go onto your computer, get bored, and then try to sleep, but won't be able to because you are thinking of  _me_." Jared let Jensen go then and turned to feed the ducks.

“Sure of yourself?”

Jared shrugged. “Want some?” Jared held out some bread for the ducks towards Jensen.

Curiosity gnawed at Jensen’s brain as he tried to figure out why Jared seemed avoidant. “Tell me about October?” He threw a handful of bread towards the pond.

“October...well, he was a sweet man. Incredibly shy, that is why he came to me, to overcome his shyness.”

“And were you successful?" Not quite believing Jared, Jensen cocked his head towards the man.

“Extremely. In fact, we had to end a week and a half earlier than planned. He’s so confident now, he can pretty much do anything he sets his mind to. I’m so proud of him.”

“And September?”

“There was no September.”

“August?”

“A girl who had no self-esteem. She was a bit boring unfortunately, but extremely friendly. It was a good thing she was just looking for confidence and nothing sexual. Even I have my limits. And yes, I cured her too.” Jared reached into the bag of bread, his hand brushing against Jensen’s as they went for a piece of bread at the same time.

He froze there. Not wanting to move a muscle and drop but declaration that he knew had to be said. “Jared, listen…the sun is setting and…I’ve stayed a whole day. I did what you asked but…” He licked his lips and swallowed. “Believe it or not, I enjoyed my day with you. Thank you.” He leaned over and kissed Jared but the man was tense. “I have to get back to my life.”

“What life? You have no job, no girlfriend, no commitments, you have the perfect chance to stay with me. I can help you.” Jared sighed and scratched at the back of his head. “We barely skimmed the surface.”

“Can we…I dunno….maybe end the night on a happy note?”

“Sure,” Jared relented but a silence was already settling between them as they finished off the stale bread and shook the bag out to give the ducks their last crumbs. “Only ‘cause you'll be back.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

Stepping into his apartment brought an onslaught of memories to the forefront of Jensen’s brain. It was like time stood still in his apartment.

The sad, pathetic state of the awards he won mirrored the status of his professional life and the lightness Jensen had been feeling all day gave way to a sensation of drowning. It curled in the pit of his stomach and got hold of his lungs, making him feel like the air in the apartment was too thick to do him any good.

Running a hand over his face, he closed his eyes and tried to push past it. Cleanup duties could wait for tomorrow or he’d call a cleaning service so he didn’t have to deal with it at all. Turning a blind eye on the mess that was his life, he started peeling off layers of clothing and landed himself under the hot spray of his shower.

He stood there far longer than necessary, barely moving a muscle as he leaned against his forearms on the tilted wall and let the water cascade down his back. Only when the temperature dropped did he slink out and pull on a pair of sweats and white under shirt.

Mindlessly, he flipped through the T.V. stations but couldn’t find anything to watch.

He turned on his computer but shut it just as quickly when email alerts and press memos from his job –  _his used to be job_  – popped up on the screen and he knew he wasn’t emotionally ready to deal with that mess. He’d probably hurl the monitor to join the rest of the destruction on the other side of the room.

With nothing to do, he slid into bed and closed his eyes but, instead of blackness, all he could see on the back of his eyelids were Jared’s dimples. “Fuck,” he murmured as he tossed into his left side and hugged the blanket to his chest. Trying to focus on other things, on sleeping, didn’t help. He felt more awake than he did hours ago as his mind ran through choices he’d made.

He was too focused on Jared to have any hopes of sleeping. He had no idea what he’d gotten himself tangled up in but his gut was snagged on the fact that leaving Jared may have been the wrong choice. In a world where he weighed his options heavily, his fear of regretting a missed opportunity ran deep.

He knew sleep wouldn’t come easy to him.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he said to the empty spaces of his life. “That fucking smart ass bastard.” Jared had been right all along. Jared. The stranger he’d just met who didn’t feel like much of a stranger any more. He knew Jensen enough to know exactly how the night would play out.

Admitting defeat, he didn’t bother to change as he pulled on socks and sneakers. Grabbing a jacket and his car keys, he let himself give in to the desire to go back to Jared’s offer.

The ride was endless and quick at the same time. Now that Jensen’s heart had gotten on board with Jared’s plan, he wanted it  _now_ , but stoplights and traffic laws kept getting in the way. It was almost surreal by the time he found himself standing outside his car and staring up at Jared’s apartment. He still had a key but if Jared knew him as well as he let on, then the door was probably unlocked.

It did, however, squeak a bit as Jensen pushed it open and Jensen froze in place instinctively. Letting a hush fall over the apartment, he crept towards the bedroom, spotting the younger man. Jared was on his belly, completely nude, with his arms hugging the pillow and his long legs spread out so that they dominated the free space on the mattress. The sight made Jensen’s heart do a flip-flop and he tried to move as slowly as possible so as not to startle Jared when he crawled onto the bed. He leaned down to kiss the curve of Jared’s shoulder and trailed kisses up higher, heading towards his neck.

Jared’s eyes blinked open in alarm but the blurry sight of Jensen leaning over him made him relax and let out a sigh. “Oh, hey.”

“Hi,” Jensen responded as he dragged his lips over the skin at the curve of Jared’s neck. He kicked off his shoes and settled so that he matched up with the lines of Jared’s body.

Scooting over to give him room, Jared smiled. He stuck his cold feet between Jensen’s calves and twisted so that he could kiss him on the lips. “I knew you’d be back.”

Humming, Jensen ran his hands over the man’s body, frowning at the chill there. “I only came back because I like annoying you.” He felt Jared snort in his face and let Jared nestle them under the blanket while Jared pulled him closer so he could drift back to sleep.

“Argue with me tomorrow,” Jared said through a yawn. “Sleep now. ‘Kay?” He wrapped his arm around Jensen’s waist and rooted it there, letting the connection settle whatever noises were rumbling in his brain. The last conscious thoughts he had were about how warm Jensen was and how good he smelled when he pressed himself closer.

***

“Ok, now if you're going to stay with me, you have to play by my rules. Yes?” Jared was sitting cross-legged on his unkempt bed. His hair stuck up wild as he pushed some of it behind his ears and grinned with pure excitement.

Jensen had no idea how he could pull off looking so sexy without even bothering to try. He watched Jared pull on a long sleeve thermal shirt and mourned the loss of the exposed skin. The scarf he’d seen Jared wearing on the first day they met was snagged from the floor and he wrapped it loosely and effortlessly around his neck. From his seat in a kitchen chair, Jensen squirmed at the thoughts in his head. Swallowing, he found his voice. “Yeah, uh, fine.”

“My clothes look good on you,” Jared said with a smirk.

Jensen wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Jared’s clothes were worn. They had personality and charm and life. Jensen had never let any of his own clothing live long enough to earn those things. He’d toss them and buy new things without a second thought. Now, in Jared’s tight t-shirt and ripped jeans, he didn’t know what to make of them. A ringing from the sweats he’d discarded last night saved him from having to think about it and he bolted off the chair in search of the source. Finding it, he connected the call and pressed it to his ear.

“Hey! I thought I told you no cell phones!” Jared scrambled to his feet and stomped over to Jensen, circling his chair like a vulture, eyeing the cell phone. “Jenny!!!”

Jensen waved Jared away, turning his back on him and going back to his phone. "Hi Chris. I know I’m among the missing.”

Jared tried to press his ear against the phone, hearing another male voice coming through. He made grabbing motions with his hands but Jensen evaded him. “Jensen!” Jared stomped his foot and let out a punch of air.

“Jensen?” Chris’ voice asked through the phone. “Is that someone new I hear trying to get your attention?” His tone held a teasing quality and a snicker made its way to Jensen’s ear.

Jensen shot Jared a warning by glaring at him. “Yeah, uh, don’t worry about that. I can talk.”

“Where have you been, partner? I thought you’d killed yourself or something after what went down in Miller’s office.”

“Should I be worried that your first assumption is always death when you don’t hear from me?”

“Well, come on…that asshole took your job. Your job practically is your life. Suicide wasn’t that insane of an assumption,” Chris countered.

“It’s  _not_  my life. I have a life,” Jensen bristled up and put up the defenses.

“Who’s Chris?” Jared mouthed, vying to get a better listen of what was being talked about on the other side of the conversation. Smiling smugly, he crossed his arms. “See, even Chris knows you don’t have a life.”

“Shut up,” Jensen said to Jared but he forgot to put his hand over the receiver and Chris heard it. “No, not you Chris. Sorry. I’m a little distracted by something.”

“More than just a little distracted I hope.” Letting himself laugh, Chris’ voice became serious once again. “Listen, because you know I’ve always got your back, I secured us a job interview with Clive Dawson. He heard you were up for grabs and wanted in. He’s very interested.” Chris's voice came echoing through the phone.

Jensen’s eyes went wide. Clive Dawson was big time advertising. He was the best of the best. To work under him would put him and Chris in an elite ring of people. It was everything Jensen had been working for his whole life. “You what? Oh my god, Chris! I could kiss you.”

“Please don’t.”

“You fucking beautiful bastard. How the hell did you do this?”

Chris cleared his throat. “Well, while you’ve been MIA, I’ve been putting my feelers out. Pounding the pavement. You and I are kind of a package deal. Miller’s just looking for an excuse to can me too and since you’re too busy wallowing in your own self-pity, I figured one of us has to be smart about this.”

"I've been busy,” Jensen said lamely, as if it excused his actions.

“With what? Your  _distraction_?” Chris chided Jensen over the phone.

“I suppose you could say that." Jensen looked over towards Jared, who backed away from the phone and put his hands on his hips.

“I’m  _not_  a distraction! You’re a distraction to your own damn life.” Jared scowled and glowered over Jensen at his full height.

Jensen put one hand over the receiver to safe Chris from Jared’s declaration. “Are you through?” When Jared stayed silent, he took his hand off and went back to his conversation. “So, when’s the interview?”

“November 18th, one o'clock, sharp. Come pick me up and we'll go together, ok? And try not to die between now and then. Unless I’m your sole beneficiary, I really need a solid pay check.”

“Fuck you.” Jensen barked with a laugh.

“Yeah, love you too. We’ll be in touch.” Chris laughed before disconnecting the call.

Grinning, Jensen couldn’t believe how much his luck had changed. He’d take working for Clive Dawson over working for James Miller any day of the week. Miller was good but Dawson was sleek and shiny. It was the finest machinery all wrapped up in a pretty package. Turning to face Jared and expecting his smile to be infectious, he was proven wrong when Jared looked pissed. “What?”

“This isn’t going to work.” Jared sighed.

“What?”

“You. You’re like hard wired to…to…to…I don’t know!” Jared threw his hands up in frustration over not being able to express himself. “You’re like a worker drone.”

“Seriously?” Shaking his head, Jensen made a move to slide his cell phone into his pants but it was ripped out of his hands by a lightning quick snatch from Jared.

“No cell phones!” Jared walked over to the cabinet and dropped the phone into one of the mugs. Slamming the door closed, and turned back to Jensen.

“Sorry, but I still have a life.” Although he could tell Jared was pissed at him, Jensen had a quick burst of relief over the fact that Jared seemed hung up on the cell phone thing. That meant he hadn’t heard the bit about the November 18th meeting. For now, he was going to keep that on the down low while he figured out how to sneak out of his deal with Jared.

“Of course you do and it is here, in this apartment.” Jared still had his hands on his hips, and while Jensen was sure he was trying to look angry, it was kind of endearing. Jared caught him looking and rolled his eyes. “Okay, listen…I know it’s hard to quit cold turkey so how about we aim for a twelve step program. Like…no phone now but…if you’re good…I’ll let you check it later. After what I have planned.”

Swallowing, Jensen licked his lips. “And  _what_  exactly do you have planned?”

“It’s fun. I swear.”

“Anyone who introduces something with that line is lying.”

“No. It is.” Jared strode forward and squared Jensen’s shoulders so that the man was facing him directly. “Ok, time to sharpen your instincts so that you trust yourself and don’t second guess  _everything_.” Jared unraveled the scarf from his neck and tied it around Jensen's eyes, blocking his vision completely. “We're going to play a little game. I’m going to hide and you have to find me. By instinct alone! You can follow my voice and use your hands to try and find me but no peeking. Ok?”

“I don't like this.” Jensen tried to pull at the scarf but Jared slapped his hands away.

“You'll love it.  _It’s fun_. And besides, the prize is me. You can do almost anything you want to me."

“I thought I could do that anyway. I thought that was what you did…you know…If I agreed to be your November.”

“Pfft, details.” Jared waved away the logic and let go of Jensen, backing away so that he had to find his own balance.

“You’re something else, Jared." Jensen wavered slightly and then took a step forward.

"I’m a lot of things." Jared chirped as he shot across the room, hiding behind a bookcase. "Come get me!”

Jensen took a few more small experimental steps forward, his thighs hitting into the kitchen table, almost causing him to fall. Jared let out a loud laugh and Jensen turned towards the noise, trying to walk in that direction. When Jensen got close, Jared did a flying leap onto the bed. He smiled at the stumbling Jensen, letting out another laugh. The ad exec looked so much softer and human when his steps were soft and wobbly. It made another peel of happy laughter leave his mouth and Jensen whipped around to follow the laugh. In the process, he got snagged on a chair and tumbled to the floor. Trying to catch himself, his injured palm bent back at an awkward angle and he inhaled sharply as pain shot through his wrist. “Damn it!” Jensen ripped the scarf from his eyes and threw it in frustration so that he could examine his wrist.

“Oh, baby!” Jared jumped off the bed and rushed to Jensen's side. Grabbing his wrist, he dropped kisses over it. “Are you ok, baby?”

“That is fun?” Jensen examined his injured wrist.

“Well people don’t usually fall so spectacularly.” Jared kissed at Jensen’s palm again and rolled his eyes so as to look at him. “It will grow on you. Besides, think of that as a love bruise.” Jared kissed along the wrist and hugged Jensen’s arm to his chest. "I'm sorry, Jensen. I didn't want you to get hurt.”

Realizing how pathetic his complaints sounded, Jensen sucked it up and brushed it off like it was nothing. “It's not that bad, it just surprised me.” He looked up to see Jared exploring the bandage on his palm to make sure it wasn’t disturbed. “Hey, really. It’s fine.”

“Well, you didn’t win but I can still be your consolation prize.” Jared smirked. "Let’s do something. Anything you want. It’s fucking gorgeous out and…” Jared was silenced by Jensen’s lips against his. “Mmmph! His eyes shot wide for a moment before getting to his knees so he could crawl closer to Jensen and hover over his seated form as they kissed.

“We can do anything I want?” Jensen asked as he bit his lip.

“Pretty much,” Jared breathed out.

“Well, I think I hurt my dick on the fall. You…you should probably kiss that better.”

“Oh, I should, huh?”

“Yeah. And I should probably check yours out as well. Just to be safe.”

“You worry too much but in this case? Yeah, this case I like where your head is at.” Jared bit his lip when Jensen palmed his dick.

***

Two very thorough blow jobs later, Jared and Jensen finally ventured out into the world with the promise that they’d take things much further when the sun set and Jared wasn’t bitching about missing out on quality daylight.

“Come on, Jared,” Jensen said as he tugged on Jared’s arm and turned on the bedroom eyes. “Let’s go back inside. Let’s  _you know_.”

“We are going to ‘ _you know’_  later. Come on, when is the last time you spent the day at a football game?”

“Umm, never.”

“Never? Didn’t your father ever take you? My father used to take me all the time.” Jared leaned up against the post for the bus stop.

“My parents died when I was five. I…I didn’t really have  _parents_.”

Jared’s heart sank. For the first time in all his dealings with Jensen, he regretted pushing the boundaries of the man’s comfort levels. There was genuine hurt there, deep in the words and the way Jensen wouldn’t make eye contact. “Oh, Jensen…I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. I don’t really remember them so it’s hard to miss something you never appreciated or understood.”

“Well, I’m still sorry. I’m still sorry you didn’t have a childhood.”

“I…I did. I just…well, other kids went out and played and I focused on school and learning. It’s not really so bad. It gave me the drive and determination I have today. I wanted to make sure I never had to depend on anyone.” Jensen’s eyes clouded with some type of emotion Jared couldn’t read. “You know what? I don’t think it’s important. We don’t have to talk about it. It’s over right? And I’m fine. I don’t  _need_  anyone anymore so there isn’t anything to be sorry about.”

Those words made Jared feel even sorrier than before. He looked at Jensen and saw the metaphorical bandages holding him together. He recognized that Jensen’s job and suit weren’t just a part of his professional life but they were his barricade. They kept him safe and gave him a false sense of invulnerability. Jared understood that more than Jensen knew. It’s why it shattered the younger man’s heart all the more. “Jen…”

“No. I’m fine. They died. I grew up. End of story.” Sighing, Jensen surveyed the area. “You know, I could have driven us to the stadium. Just because your license is suspended doesn’t mean mine is.”

“I like the bus. You meet the most interesting individuals on it. And the stories? Shit, I should write a book about the things I hear.”

“I’ve never taken the bus.”

“Never?” Jared’s eyes went wide in surprise and wider still when Jensen nodded. “Well I guess I am popping all your cherries today. Football game and bus ride. Don’t get over excited or anything.”

There was a proud smirk that appeared on Jared’s face and whatever reluctance Jensen had been feeling about their outing melted as each dimple popped into place and Jared dragged him onto the bus.

In the end, the bus ride wasn’t too bad. Jensen had to admit, for the price, it was much easier than driving, paying for parking and then trying to find an actual space. It was a bit crowded and noisy but he couldn’t focus on anything other than the sound of Jared’s voice.

Jared talked. A lot. But when she spoke, it was calming. Jensen felt himself react to it. When they first met, Jared’s words were nagging chatter. Now, they were softer and kinder. They spoke of fun and excitement. Of living and appreciating that they were living. He was human.

And Jensen? Jensen felt like something that was just on the edge of being human. He had wrapped himself and his emotions up so tight and shoved them down in a forgotten part of his brain that he feared he’d never be able to access them. He was afraid and he was a coward. He was a lot of weak things that he never let on to being but  _he knew_.

Somehow, Jared had found that box and terrified Jensen. He ripped Jensen’s world open and  _things_  were there. The pain of living was there. But so was something else. And that something else was warm and glowing. It made him kiss Jared and surrender himself over to the man. It made him walk dogs and talk to strangers. It made him offer his seat up to the elderly woman searching for someplace to sit on the bus.

It made him realize he was feelings something way more than “like” for Jared.

***

The football game was…boring. Jensen felt that way at least. Jensen never had much time for sports and while Jared was enjoying himself, he was a bit lost. The rest of the day made up for it. Because the rest of the day? That was more fun than he’d had in a long time.

After Jared gave up on trying to clue Jensen in, they barely watched the game and flitted around the stadium instead. Jared insisted they stop and eat the messiest hot dog Jensen had ever seen but the thing had been delicious and gave them an excuse to make out in a corner of the stadium. They had to make sure that all traces of cheese and chili were out of the corners of their mouths.

The sun felt good on Jensen’s face and for once the chatter of a mass of people was background noise that didn’t grate on him.

“Let’s get a beer,” Jared suggested.

“Sounds good. My treat. Anything you haven’t tried so I can pop one of your cherries?”

Jared scanned the taps behind the counter and pointed to one. “That’s a hard cherry to pop. I know my beers.”

“Of course you do.” Jensen snorted. “Fine. You’re having what I’m having.” After ordering he heard a familiar voice to his left and craned his neck to get a better look. “Chris?”

Startled, Chris jumped. “Shit, Jensen? I didn’t know you liked football.” He grabbed his beer and took a spot near his friend. “How you doing, man?” With a smile, he pulled him in for a hug and thumped his back.

The display of affection was odd between them because truthfully, they’d never seen each other outside of the workplace. They’d talked on the phone – usually about work. They’d shared lunches – at work. And shot the shit – at work. It took a second for Jensen’s head to get in the game and return the hug. “I uhh, don’t…like football, that is. But Jared dragged me here.”

On the sound of his name, Jared swallowed the mouthful of beer he’d just sipped and leaned forward to see around Jensen.

Chris’ eyebrows shot up. Taking in Jared’s presence, he elbowed Jensen. “So the mystery distraction…err, man….is revealed, huh?”

A flush of embarrassment hit Jensen’s cheeks. He had no idea if Chris knew about his previous relationship with men or if he’d only caught wind of the female ones. Regardless, he didn’t seem overly shocked about it but Jensen’s voice was still shaky with nerves when he made the introductions. “Oh, yeah, Chris this is Jared. Jared, this is my old coworker and friend, Chris.”

Jared stuck out a hand, “Hey, nice to meet you.” He took a look at the beer in Chris’ grasp. “Dude, are you a Sam Adam’s man? Because I am. There’s nothing better than their Boston Lager.”

“What?” Chris said as he tried to catch on to what Jared was asking. Looking down at his pint glass, he shrugged. “Yeah. Love it.”

Letting out a low sound of approval, he bumped his body into Jensen’s. “He’s cool,” he said, as if it gave Jensen permission to carry on his conversation.

With the awkwardness of introductions over, Jensen took a long swig of his beer. He was alerted to Chris leaning closer.

“He’s so much better than Lizzie,” Chris whispered in reference to Jared. “I know you liked her an’ all but the two of you had no…magnetic pull. Plus he knows his beers. Maybe he could teach you a thing or two.”

“Great, more things for Jared to teach me,” Jensen mumbled.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. I was just saying, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I would have told you. But I didn’t expect to see you here either, obviously. You don’t like football…or anything for that matter.” Looking at his watch, he downed the rest of his beer and dropped the glass on the counter. “Shit. Sorry but I gotta go. Sarah and I – you remember Sarah, right? – have plans to catch a movie later and I told her I would duck out of the game a bit early.” He slapped Jensen on the back again and extended a hand towards Jared for the second time. “It was nice meeting you Jared. And remember, Jensen, the 18th. You, me, Clive Dawson.” Chris turned to leave with a smile.

“Yeah, the 18th. See you then.” Jensen froze as soon as the date hung there in the open air. He prepared himself for the attack but taking a sip of beer and hoping he didn’t need the liquid courage.

Leaning on the counter, Jared turned a confused face to try and meet Jensen’s avoidant eyes. “The 18th, as in December 18th right? Not November?”

“No, I…I have an interview on November 18th. It’s  _really_  important and I swear it won’t take more than a couple of hours."

“Jensen! You promised. You made a commitment.”

Sighing. Jensen forced himself to not care. He forced himself to let the deadened parts of him back out even though the hurt look on Jared’s face was doing terrible things to his heart. “We’ll I guess I am breaking my promise. Sorry. I’m an asshole. Whatever. Go ahead. You think it anyway.”

Jared's angry growl rang through the whole stadium.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING*** This chapter has bottom!Jensen at the end. Skip it if it isn't your thing but I think it makes sense for Jensen's character development.

Jared stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror before rubbing his temples as a migraine set in. He took a calming breath.

He felt shaken.

He thought…he thought….

He thought whatever was happening between him and Jensen was having the same effect on both of them. Most of his brain knew how stupid it was to try and sway Jensen from going on a job interview. But it wasn’t the job interview that was the problem. It was who it was with. When Jensen told him Chris had landed them an interview with Clive Dawson, Jared played dumb. Only, he wasn’t as dumb as he let on. He knew exactly who Clive Dawson was and what type of lifestyle he’d instill in Jensen.

If there was any hope in having Jensen relearn how to appreciate life, Clive would extinguish it.

Just seeing Jensen in his suit, his defensive armor, made Jared’s stomach turn. He hated those clothes and everything that went with them.

Pulling open the medicine cabinet, he tapped some pills into his palm and swallowed them dry. He didn’t budge for a few minutes, holding onto the edge of the sink instead to keep himself steady.

Pulling on a hoodie, he made his way down to the ground floor and outside where Misha was waiting for him.

Misha took one look at the man and shook his head. “No way. Back upstairs with you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Well, you look like shit.” Misha crossed his arms over his knit sweater and looked up at Jared.

“We can’t all be you and your fucking perfect ability to function on two hours of sleep.” Jared snorted.

“Sweetheart, this isn’t functioning. This is surviving.” Misha tried to push Jared back towards the door.

“I’m fine!” Jared insisted. “I need some fresh air.” Licking his lips, Jared had a war with Misha through their expression emoting eyes before sighing and letting his shoulders fall. “Jensen left.”

“Oh…” Misha hooked his arm into the crook of Jared’s elbow and tugged him down the street. “Jay…” His words died off as he scrambled to find something to say.

Jared set his jaw and looked straight ahead. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want pity. What he wanted was for Misha to tell him Jensen was an asshole who wasn’t worth his time. He wanted Misha to use his infinite wisdom to help this situation. He hadn’t realized how close he was pulling Misha to ward out the chill of the autumn day. He was uncharacteristically clinging to the shorter man as if it would make his heart stop hurting.

“Jared, let him go. You knew you could never keep him a month." Misha put his arm around Jared's shoulder and gave it a squeeze before reaching up to tug the man’s beanie hat on more firmly.

“See, I know  _that_. I  _thought_  that, at least. But I was so close to breaking down his walls.” Jared looked up into Misha's blue eyes and sighed.

“He’s too stubborn. He would have never totally submitted to you.” The two kept up a moderate pace as they rounded the corner.

“That’s just it! He’s so stubborn, and he knows exactly what he wants, and……well, that is what attracted me to him. Catch 22. Wanting something you can’t have. It’s too much. I thought maybe…if he wanted me…then he’d…." Jared started to talk with his hands, his voice getting louder as he tripped over his words. He stopped walking and fell heavily against an abandoned storefront, ripping of his hat and pushing his hair out of his face.

"He is gone, let him go." Misha brushed Jared's hair out of his eyes and frowned when his hand met the temperature of Jared’s skin but he stayed silent.

Jared caught the move and knew exactly what Misha was doing by disguising the investigative move with a comforting gesture. “Mish,” he warned as he swatted his friend’s hand away. He appreciated the concern but he was fine. He needed his friend to respect his wishes and let him be for the time being. "I hate when I fail." Jared sighed heavily, pulling Misha beside him.

“He really got to you, didn't he?”

“I’m an idiot, I guess.” Jared looked up at the sky and felt his throat tightening. “I dunno what made me think he would stay with me. Why would he want to?”

“I don't know.” Misha’s voice held a sadness for his friend. Misha put on a confident smile and pulled Jared back onto the side walk so they could continue their walk. “Maybe because you’re fucking hot.” He grabbed Jared’s face in his hand and squished the taller man’s cheeks together so that Jared made a fishy face. He puckered his lips and gave him a platonic kiss. “Oh, and I’ve heard the sex is pretty good too. Literally.”

“Misha!” Jared blushed for a moment but was way too comfortable with Misha for the embarrassment to actually last.

“Seriously. I’ve heard everything. I live downstairs and Jensen’s not exactly quiet. I must admit, that was a surprise. Didn’t figure him to get mouthy during sex. I thought he was more of the bite his lip and wham, bam, thank you mam type.

Jared punched Misha in the arm as he joined in on the teasing. “Does hearing us get you all hot and bothered? Do you get off on it?” A smile finally crept onto Jared’s face as Misha helped him forget about the pain of letting Jensen go.

“Oh, absolutely,” Misha said with deadpan enthusiasm. “Jerk off to it constantly. Was that ‘Misha’ Jensen screamed the other night?”

“Shut up, you idiot.” Jared picked up the pace.

Keeping the same even tone, Misha continued to fabricate his story. “I’m serious. You didn’t hear it? I’m surprised. God, he’s so needy.”

“You’ve got to get your hearing checked because that was my name, Mish. Don’t be jealous.” Jared ruffled Misha’s hair and kissed his cheek as they ducked into a coffee shop.

***

The restaurant they were meeting Clive Dawson in was  _nice._ It was sharp and crisp but it was also the type of place where every little misstep would be on display for everyone to see.

Chris was seated next to Jensen, his hair brushed back neatly and held by an elastic band. He’d cleaned up nicely and Jensen noted that he had on his nicest suit, a sure indicator about how much he had invested in this meeting.

Across from them, a grey haired man cleared his throat and checked his cell phone for the tenth time.

Jared would hate him, Jensen thought. Jared would want to take his cell phone and dunk it in his glass of ice water.

Shaking his head, Jensen rid himself of all thoughts of Jared. Jared did not belong in this business meeting and thinking about him wasn’t doing Jensen any favors. Wondering what the other man was doing only made him feel more nervous. Jensen thought Jared was probably fuming, or canceling his frustrations out by doing even more Good Samaritan acts than usual. God, Jared made it so hard to hate him.

Dawson folded his hands across the table and tapped on the crisp white tablecloth.

Chris gave Jensen a private glare in confusion as to why the man was staying silent before taking the lead on starting the conversation. “Thank you for meeting with us Mr. Dawson, we’re honored that you had time to fit us in.” Chris put on his best smile and nudged Jensen, who looked like the world was about to end.

"Yes well, I think I’m in need of  _your_  services." Dawson smiled slightly as he directed his gaze towards Jensen.

“I hope you’re right. As you know, we’re well qualified and can fulfill all your advertising needs.” Chris pushed a portfolio across the table and tapped a finger on it. “We’ve managed hundreds of successful and well know campaigns and,” he was cut off by Clive raising a hand to his face. His voice sliced into Chris’ words.

"It’s not you that I’m interested in. It’s him.” He pointed to Jensen and with a flick of his wrist. “But I’m aware that you are a package deal, so…..I’m willing to take you if that’s what it takes to get him.”

Chris deflated and laughed nervously.

Jensen should have been soaring. Dawson was playing to every one of his weaknesses, stroking his ego so that he felt important enough to conquer the world. “Yes, well, we’ve been working together for a few years. We’re a good team. I think the work really speaks for itself.” Jensen tapped the portfolio again.

Dawson skimmed the book with unenthused eyes. Slamming it shut, his voice lacked emotion. “Yes, very impressive.” He pushed it back towards Chris before leaning over the table towards Jensen. “Listen, I’m going to get straight to the point. Your reputation precedes you. I’ve heard good things and I’m willing to do what it takes to get you on my team as long as you’re willing to adhere to my rules. I’ve heard you get tunnel vision when working on an account. That you’re so focused you won’t stop till it’s worked through. Is that true?”

"I suppose you could say that." Jensen looked mildly amused in Dawnson's direction, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Neither of you have a personal life, hmm? Kids?” He made a sweeping gesture with his hand and raised his eyes in question. “Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, whoever you like to fuck?”

Jensen said nothing, not sure what the question had to do with his ability to pull off a successful ad. He knew his and Chris’ plan was to yes Dawson to death. To say whatever he wanted to hear so that they could secure themselves a job and then mold it around their lifestyles.

“Sir, trust me, we’re committed to being on your team. We don’t have kids and neither of us are married, so don’t worry about that. If we have to relocate or anything…” Yet again, Chris was silenced by Dawson raising a palm in his face.

“Well that’s good. Because, if you take this job, your free time will go down the drain. Your life will be utterly and totally devoted to me. You’ll be there when I need you for as long as I need you. You’re on the clock 24/7.” Dawson leaned closer to the table, his tongue pressing harshly against his teeth as he spoke. He pulled back and glared as a petite waitress gingerly walked up to the table carrying a tray with three glasses of water on it.

Smiling wide, her voice wavered, indicating that she was nervous. Jensen figured she was probably new to the job and remembered just how nervous he’d been when he got his first job at age eighteen. He smiled at her in hopes of easing her nerves but she still let out an odd quick laugh to let on that it hadn’t helped.

Finally finding her voice, she said, “Excuse me, I was wondering if you would like a glass…Oh!" Before she could get the word 'water' out, she stumbled slightly, causing the tray to land on Dawson's lap. The water splashed onto the lap of his suit and turned the fabric dark as it spread. He jumped up in anger, a litany of curses streaming from his mouth.

The waitress scrambled to pick up the glasses, her motions shaky and her eyes wide. “Oh my god! I ‘m so sorry! I didn't mean to, I just…"

"You're sorry?! You just ruined my suit. Do you realize that? Now, I know whatever is going on in that silly little head of yours is too simple to understand the concept of the lifestyles the clientele here lead. But is it that difficult to just bring people water?” The girl nodded her head 'no'. “I didn't think so. Your job requires you to do the simple task of bringing people their food, and then taking away the dirty dishes. It is not all that difficult. A monkey can do it. So when someone, such as yourself, can’t bring the food and drink without destroying everything in their wake, they are pretty much a waste of space.” Ignorant to the fact that he was shattering the waitresses’ sense of self, Dawson busied himself with pressing napkins to his pants in an attempt to soak up the water. He avoided her eyes in an obvious sign of disregard and disrespect.

Jensen stood frozen as he watched Dawson scream at the girl. It was disgusting. It made him feel sick to his stomach when he saw the waitress go running off in tears while Dawson fussed over his precious suit.

“I have to see about having her fired,” Dawson said, looking up to the two mean in search of agreement. “But where were we? Ahh, yes, your salary." Clive pulled out a pen and scribbled some numbers onto a napkin.

Jensen put out a hand and stopped Dawson’s wrist from moving. Whatever figure he was writing down, it wouldn’t be enough. Jensen couldn’t align himself with someone who had such a blatant disrespect for humanity. If Dawson thought the waitress was garbage, how would he feel about his employees? Mistakes, as he was learning, were things that happened. They should not be seen as death sentences on someone’s career path. He could not work for a man who thought so highly of himself that he forgot the people around him had feelings and lives.

Maybe at one point he could but he couldn’t now. Not anymore.

For a moment, he had a vision of what he could become if he sold his soul for a paycheck and when he looked up at Dawson, he realized it was sitting in front of him.

"I am sorry, but I must decline." Jensen stated bluntly, as he grabbed his suit jacket and prepared to leave.

"What? Seriously? Money isn’t an issue. I can raise it. If you’d just take a look at the figure, I am sure…”

"It is not the money that bothers me, it is you. I’m sorry. You can’t expect me to be okay with the way you treat everyone, even Chris, like they are beneath you. You disgust me. I wouldn’t want your damn money either.” Jensen turned his back to a stunned Dawson and walked towards the waitress in the corner of the room as she spoke to someone who looked like the manager. “Are you okay, miss?”

“I…I…” She couldn’t get words out through her crying. “I need this job. Please…I…”

The manager turned an apologetic look towards Jensen. “Sir, I am so sorry. Please, let me comp your parties bill and I assure you, we will be letting Trisha here go.”

“Oh, no! Please don’t. Trisha was wonderful. She was just as sweet as could be. That asshole,” Jensen pointed to Dawson looking so angry that his eyes practically crossed, “has no right to treat you like that.” Jensen fished a hundred dollar bill out of his pocked and shoved it into Trisha’s shaking hand. “I’m sorry for what he said to you. Please, don’t believe a word he said. He’s the simplistic one if he doesn’t realize that those words do a lot more harm than a spilled glass of water.”

Trisha turned tear streaked eyes up at Jensen and gave a grateful smile. “Oh, thank you!” Without warning, she launched herself at Jensen and hugged him.

Jensen had to catch himself from stumbling backwards at the force that Trisha crashed into him. Slightly uncomfortable at the gesture, he tried to squirm away but she held tighter until Jensen relented and hugged her back. “Shh, it’s okay.”

The manager looked on without a clue as to what his next move should be. “Sir, are you sure? We’re very sorry…”

“No apologies needed. We’re sure,” Chris said as he stepped beside Jensen. “Come on, Jen. We gotta get out of here before Dawson calls in the cavalry.”

Taking one look over his shoulder, Jensen understood the urgency of the situation. “Shit!” He pulled out of Trisha’s hold and ran through the restaurant, swerving around the tables and bursting out onto the street. He and Chris ran down several streets before slowing their pace to catch their breaths.

“Holy, shit. Have you lost your mind? What the hell was that?” Chris asked.

“I…I don’t know.” Leaning forward and resting his hands on his knees, Jensen looked up at Chris apologetically. “Listen, Chris…I know you need that job but…”

“Oh, shut up!” Chris smacked him on the back of the head. “That was fucking awesome! I can’t believe  _you_  told off Clive Dawson! You! Seriously…you’ve got some balls Ackles.”

“I guess I do,” Jensen said as he snorted out a laugh. “Oh my god, I’m insane.”

“Nah, you’re not. That douche bag had it coming. His paychecks would have been nice but I understand why he seems to have a never ending need for new employees.”

“So you’re not mad?”

“Hell no! Although, I’m still jobless with your ugly mug.” Chris stood up straight and dusted off his suit.

Jensen couldn’t stop laughing because, for once, that fact didn’t make him feel like having a panic attack.

***

An hour after Misha left Jared to his own devices, he found himself walking the sidewalk. He should go back home and work on rescheduling a whole month worth of grooming clients or at least figure out which ones he could bring to him and groom in the parked van outside his building but his heart and head were not in the mood. Instead, he paced so that he circled his apartment several times. As he was slowly approaching his apartment yet again, a yellow cab crept alongside him. Jared paid no attention to it, quickening his pace and not feeling like putting much effort into investigating or giving a friendly smile. Everyone in town knew who he was and his heart crumpled at the thought of making someone think less of him because he was in a snappy mood. All that changed when he heard Jensen's voice, making his head whip around to make sure his ears and eyes were on the same page. Jensen had his head sticking out of the cab’s window, his hand extended towards Jared, holding a handful of daisies. Jared scoffed at the flowers. Why in the world would Jensen think daisies would do the trick? Of  _all_  things. Jared was not some chick in a rom-com who had some predetermined weakness for flowers.

“Jared, I'm sorry,” Jensen pleaded.

“Go away.” Jared walked quicker, his strides becoming longer. Despite his best efforts, the cab kept up with him.

Jensen pulled back into the cab and brought out a bigger bunch of brightly colored flowers looking uncomfortable and confused. His words came out jumbled and uncertain. “I can't stop thinking about you?”

"Should have thought about that before you left." Jared paid no attention to the flowers being flung in his direction.

Jensen reached back into the car and shoved more flowers Jared's way.

Jared swatted them away. “Seriously, Jenny? Flowers. What the hell. Get those out of my face. And stop feeding me sentimental cliché crap from Hallmark cards.

"I didn't mean to upset you Jared.” Jensen pulled back into the cap and fiddled with something. His eyes were full of proof that his words were real. That they were way more than bottled sentiment and regret he picked up at the store. “Jared, please look at me."

"You know my rules. No jobs, just me. This can't work." Jared whipped around and faced Jensen and gave him a good thorough look. The man looked…miserable. That wasn’t what he was expecting. He was expecting him to be riding in on his high horse saying he was about to protest that he could have a job and Jared. "Aren't you happy now? Don't you have a job?" Jared shot at Jensen.

"Well, you see…" Jensen stepped out of the car, sure he had Jared's attention. He pulled a six-pack of beer with him, each bottle different than the next, and held it out to a very confused looking Jared. “That’s the problem. He was ready to have me start tomorrow, and I suggested that I start….never.”

It took a minute for Jared’s brain to digest that information but when it did his jaw almost dropped to the floor. "You mean you…"

"I didn't take the job."

After staring for a moment, both of their hearts thumping in anticipation of their next moves, Jared pounced. He attacked Jensen so that he almost toppled him and they had to take a few awkward stumbles together to regain their balance. Smiling into Jensen's eyes, Jared leaned down and attacked his lips. Sliding his tongue into Jensen’s mouth, he ran his hands up the man’s back until they were entwined in his short hair, grasping desperately for something to hold onto. It was intense and rough, knocking the breath straight out of Jensen and he barely got it back when they parted for air because Jared made a moan and dove right back in, deepening the kiss as best he could.

The cab left then, but they hadn’t noticed. All of Jensen’s focus was on holding Jared tight and letting the man dominate his mouth. Little nips to each other’s lips were given and Jared bit down enough so that he still held it between his teeth for a moment when he pulled away to smirk at Jensen.

“You came back.”

“God help me, I did.” Jensen hooked a finger in the waist of Jared’s jeans and tugged him back into an embrace. Kissing Jared was the oxygen he’d felt the loss of all day. It sent a buzz of pleasure through his system and he pawed at the man, grinding up into his hip bone. They lost their balance completely while focusing too much on getting their hands over each other’s bodies than standing upright and came crashing to the ground.

The fact that his target had fallen to the ground didn’t sway Jared. He crawled over Jensen and continued to kiss the man frantically. Jensen finally set the six-pack down and pushed Jared away by the shoulders and laughed.

“What’s the deal with the beer?” Jared eyed them and wasn’t exactly sure what they were.

Shrugging, a soft smile curved his lips. “I…well…I went to a shop by my apartment and asked for six of the most obscure beers they carried. I figured at least one of them would pop your beer cherry.” He let out and “oouf” in surprised when Jared launched himself at him again. He didn’t mind the kisses one bit but hoped they could get off the pavement sometime soon. “If I knew beer had this effect on you, I would have done this a week ago.”

"It’s not the beer, you idiot. It’s you." Jared rolled his hips against Jensen, leaning down for another kiss.

Moaning into the kiss, Jensen closed his eyes but creaked them open when he heard that they had spectators. “Jared, wait! Not out here." Jensen tried to pull away from the man.

"I don't care." Jared started to manhandle Jensen, forcing his jaw to the side so he could kiss and suckle his neck. Jensen however, did care, and fought back enough so that he was out of the man’s grasp and standing upright. “Come on.” He reached out a hand towards the man and yanked him to his feet. “Grab the beer.”

Jared didn’t have to be told twice.

They busted into Jared’s apartment building and took the steps two at a time. Jared stuck the key into the lock, fumbling the whole time as Jensen decided he wanted to sneak his hands under the man’s shirt and coast them down his sides. They eventually got the door open and Jared turned to kiss Jensen, their actions much more intense than on the street. Every tug on each other’s clothing or press into the kiss was tinged with a desperate necessity to have each other. Shoving Jared inside, Jensen kicked the door closed behind him and they laughed between kisses as they blindly navigated their way to the bed.

“This is much better,” Jensen breathed out as he shoved Jared backwards onto the mattress and crawled over him to devour his lips.

Jared pulled away, and poked Jensen in the chest. “Get those clothes off. I hate them.” The disgust in Jared’s voice made the command all the more urgent.

“Don’t worry, they were coming off anyway." Jensen tossed his suit jacket to the side and then pulled his tie off. He tried to be sexy and drawn out about it but his brain was too lust addled to run smoothly and he looked like a complete novice. Taking a deep breath and calming himself, he took his time unbuttoning his shirt, hoping in some way he was teasing Jared with the slow reveal.

Jared sat back against the pillows and laughed. He made no such show about peeling off his own clothing, getting nude by the time Jensen had reached the last button of his dress shirt. He laughed, the noise coming off more sexy than playful. “Jensen, just get your clothing off, you’re horrible at stripping.”

With mock hurt on his face, Jensen ripped the rest of the shirt off, followed by his shoes, belt, pants, socks, leaving him in only a pair of boxer briefs. “Better?”

"Much." Jared reached up and grabbed Jensen around the waist, pulling him on top of him. He went back to kissing Jensen's lips, loving the feel of Jensen's warm chest against his.

Jensen's hands had wandered up Jared’s sides again and he took his time kissing along Jared’s jaw line and playfully avoiding the man’s lips when he tried to go in for another mouth to mouth kiss. He flitted his fingertips over Jared’s nipples and toyed with them gently. It was so much different than the first time he’d played with them. Before he knew what taking his time was, he was rough and took way more than he gave. Now he understood how to draw moments out and drown in them. Rolling the buds gently, Jared gasped into their kiss, pulling away slightly as he felt Jensen's hands on his body.

Things got more intense when Jared bucked up and their growing arousals brushed into one another’s. Jared ran his hand over Jensen’s chest and dipped it down past the waistband of the boxer briefs so that he could wrap it around Jensen’s dick. The contact made him moan and he pumped the organ to full hardness while keeping up the kiss. Happy to rut into Jensen, Jared’s erection wasn’t left out of the mix. A bead of pre-come saturated the fabric of Jensen’s boxer briefs when the tip dragged across them on Jared’s attempt to slide their arousals together. Gasping, Jensen pulled away and kissed Jared, cupping his face so he could looks into his eyes. “I want to be inside of you. I want…” Jared was silenced with Jensen's kiss and Jensen’s hand around his dick. His eyes fluttered back for a moment as he savored the warm feeling around his arousal and Jensen’s fingers swiping over the slit. “Christ, I want you to ride me. Wanna do that? It’d be so…” his sentence dissolved into a lusty groan and he wrapped his arms around Jensen to keep him close and kiss him deeper.

“Fuck, yes,” Jensen growled. He hadn’t really done that before. He understood the logistics of it but nerves fluttered in his belly when he wondered if he’d be any good. But the way Jared was looking at him, the  _want_  in his voice, it was enough to turn Jensen to putty. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into but he definitely wanted more of that look and the way Jared had to bite his fist at the thought of Jensen riding him.

“Gotta get you ready, Jen. Wanna make it so good.” Jared pushed Jensen back onto the bed and slipped his boxer briefs off. His eyes trailed over Jensen's lean body and the way his hard dick curved over his belly. "Reach under the pillow.”

Jensen did as he was told and brought out their well-used tube of lubrication. He tossed it to Jared, who hadn’t wasted any time in spreading Jensen's legs. Forgetting the tube for a moment, Jared leaned town to lick the underside of Jensen’s arousal, swirling his tongue along the head. If his November was going to ride him, then he was definitely entitled to some pampering right about now.

With Jensen on his back, it was easy to push the man’s legs up and open, exposing a tight furl of muscle that Jared had become well acquainted with. Without wasting time, he slithered forward on his belly and licked a slow stripe over the area, repeating the action until Jensen’s anus was slick with saliva. Moaning, he sealed his lips around the area and sucked the sensitive skin till Jensen pawed at his head and let out a mewl. He smiled then, proud in the sense that he could whittle down cocky, hot shot ad exec Jensen into a pliant mess. “Patience, Jen.”

Jensen arched his back and changed the angle of his hips so that Jared was forced to pay more attention to him. The moment Jared’s tongue teased at the rim, Jensen shivered. His breathing picked up and at every well directed stab Jared’s tongue gave, a punch of air left Jensen’s mouth.

It was completely beautiful to Jared. He loved seeing the vulnerability under Jensen’s layers. Rolling his tongue around the confines of the muscle, Jared coaxed them into relaxing. He tested their strength and tugged at them until he couldn’t help himself and began tongue fucking Jensen’s quivering hole.

The action made Jensen’s head spin and he tried to hold on but Jared was everywhere at once. His tongue was in him, his hands were on him and Jensen couldn’t stop thinking of how gorgeous the man looked between his legs. It was intoxicating. It didn’t take long for him to lose his grip on control. He gave it up at one extremely talented thrust of Jared’s tongue coupled with the new development of Jared’s fist around Jensen’s dick. It took a few pumps, but Jensen screamed and rose his hips off the bed, seated Jared’s tongue in him as far as it could go and came with quick shots of come splattering his belly.

“Holy shit!” Jensen squeezed his eyes closed and let Jared eat him out through the remainder of his orgasm and a while longer while he tried to come down from the high. “That was fucking fantastic.”

Pulling away with wet lips and a smug smile, Jared’s eyes were predatory and hungry when he looked Jensen over. “Good.” His fingers grazed over Jensen's entrance and didn’t need much more than a little push to slide inside.

Jensen’s buck upwards was automatic. “Come on, Jare…wanna ride you.” He groaned when he felt Jared stretching him open wider by sliding another finger inside and scissoring them.

Kissing up Jensen’s thigh, Jared sat back on his haunches. He eyed the older man’s dick and loved that it wasn’t anywhere near being done with having its head in the game. His fingers tip toed over the length of Jensen’s dick, and it twitched at his touch. “I love your short refractory period. It makes things much more fun.” Jared pumped it lazily and knew it would be hardening up by the time they were onto the real fun. He was caught by surprise when Jensen lurched forward and spun them around so he was straddling Jared’s hips and able to lean down for a kiss. “Mmph! Jensen...”

"I know you’re trying to teach me this whole appreciation thing and going slow and all that.” Jensen reached down and fisted Jared’s dick. “But, fuck slow!” He kept his hand moving on Jared’s arousal as he reached over and snagged a condom from the nightstand.

Jared wasn’t going to try to step in the man’s way. There was a time for slow and a time for ‘hurry the fuck up and get my dick in your tight ass.’ This was definitely the latter. He scooted back on the bed so that he was resting against the headboard and Jensen was able to stay straddled on his lap. He shivered in anticipation as the older man rolled the latex down his arousal and gave Jensen a bruising kiss to keep himself from focusing on those hands being on him.

The confidence Jensen just displayed faltered when he realized there were no more steps to take other than actually riding Jared. “Jared…I…I never….”

“Shh, it’s okay. I’mma help you. Come on, lift up.”

Jensen did as he was told, rising up with the help of Jared’s hands on his hips. It was sexy as hell – being this close to Jared and having their bodies touch so that they felt the waves of heat and sexual energy radiating off each other. He locked eyes with Jared and didn’t break it as he reached back and helped align Jared’s dick with his well prepped entrance. The blunt cockhead pushed at his hole and he froze to savor that feeling before lowering his hips just enough for the burn to set in as he was stretched open by the tip. “Nngh.”

Jared kept his hands on Jensen’s hips to keep him steady. What he really wanted to do was thrust up and be swallowed whole by that tight velvety heat but he waited, reading Jensen’s eyes the whole time.

For Jensen, it didn’t hurt any more than the initial sting he always felt on the first thrusts but everything was different. It made his heart skip a beat and he had to blink several times to come up with a game plan. His brain wasn’t firing logical ideas so he went with his lust drunk feelings and put both hands on Jared’s shoulder for leverage while sinking down. It wasn’t exactly slow, but he took his time in taking Jared inch by inch until his ass smacked down on Jared’s lap and he rolled his hips to test the fullness.

Jared had to bite his lip. What Jensen’s hips were doing was not fair. The tight heat constricted around him harder and he felt his dick move with each and every action Jensen took. “Jensen,” he breathed out on a whisper.

Feeling a little self-conscious, Jensen couldn’t help but ask, “tha-that okay?”

“Oh, yeah, baby.” Jared shivered and kissed any part of Jensen he could get. Nipping up his collar bone and over the bobbing Adam’s apple in the middle of his neck, he helped Jensen move.

Jensen took his hands from Jared’s shoulder and brought them to cup Jared’s face, dragging it up and tilting it so that they could kiss each other properly. His hips started working on their own accord but he needed more of a connection with Jared to help him swallow down his nerves and give over to the actions fully.

Within a few minutes, he had picked up a rhythm. Jensen got his feet under him and while he was sure he looked a bid ridiculous, the leverage it gave him to rise off and then slam back down on Jared’s dick was worth it. He kept it up, getting braver and more creative as they went. Every few thrusts, he slowed it down enough to roll his hips and savor the feeling of Jared’s cockhead brushing delicious spots inside him.

“Shit!” Jared growled as Jensen started riding him with the same ‘go get ‘um’ attitude that he’d seen boiling beneath the surface; only this time, it was meant completely for Jared. He started to fall apart. Wished he wasn’t. Wished he was able to stay like this for hours. But they were both only human and lacked any time of restraint and stamina for that. “Jensen, I’m gonna…”

“Come? Yeah, want you to. Fuck, Jared!” Jensen broke away from the kissing Jared fleetingly and squeezed his eyes closed in pleasure as he threw his head back. His hips were slamming down and lifting up at a feverish pace and pleasure coiled in his gut. His dick bounced between them, greedy as if it hadn’t been given a chance to come yet. He locked eyes with Jared, tilting his head so that their sweaty foreheads met, and kept the connection.

Jared went cross-eyed at first, but then he saw it. He saw Jensen putting himself up on the offering board and suddenly every part of his being wanted to do that too. It was terrifying and exciting. Never having been in this situation before, he had no idea what this meant. He’d sure as hell like to figure it out but his body overrode him as finding his orgasm became the more important mission. He fisted Jensen’s dick and almost yelped when their orgasms hit them in complete sync. Ropes of come painted their bellies for the second time that day and Jared went rigid as he filled the latex, losing everything inside Jensen. “Holy fuck, Jensen!”

***

Misha put the book he’d been reading aside and stared up at his apartment ceiling. From the various grunts and screams he’d been hearing, there could only be one conclusion.

"Sounds like Jensen’s back."

 


	7. Chapter 7

"Okay, ready?" Jared popped a potato chip in his mouth.

Standing in front of Jared with the man’s scarf tied around his eyes, Jensen huffed. “I’m going to find you in no time flat if you keep chewing that loudly.” Jensen proved his point by grabbing Jared’s jaw.

Jared smacked Jensen’s hand away and crunched all the more obnoxiously. Once he was done, he kissed Jensen on the lips and stepped away. “Finding me when I am directly in front of you isn’t much to brag about. Try finding me when I’m across the room.” Deliberately trying to make his steps softer, he hid near a bookshelf. He watched the blindfolded man take steps in his direction and admired the difference in those steps. When they first tried this game, Jensen was too rushed and didn’t take his time in focusing on the task at hand. Now, each step was confident and thought out. It made a bubble of pride find its way into Jared’s heart. It didn’t hurt that he liked the way Jensen looked with his muscles tight in readiness for each of his movements. He was, in Jared’s opinion, the most attractive man he’d ever assigned a month to.

With utter ease, Jensen moved himself throughout the apartment, dodging the furniture and habitual clutter on the floor. He paused for a moment, listening for any signs of Jared. The man was quiet and good at not getting caught. Biting his lip, he swore he heard the thumping of a heart but figured it was in his head. He did, however, hear a fluttering breath and followed it towards the bookshelf.

Jared let out a laugh and bound over to the bed, jumping onto the tangle of blankets. Jensen quickly followed suit, jumping onto the bed and trying to wrap his arms around Jared. However, when he missed and caught the air, he sucked in a surprised lungful of air and tumbled to the floor.

With a taunting laugh, Jared managed to sit on top of the kitchen table without toppling it over. His eyes widened when he realized Jensen had been able to tack his movements and was directly in front of him. Before he could move, the older man had his arms around his waist and was tugging him closer, sliding Jared off the table so that he had no choice but to stand and lean his weight into Jensen.

Snorting in surprise, Jared struggled to get out of Jensen’s tight embrace.

"No way, I caught you fair and square." Jensen pushed Jared back onto the kitchen table and then removed his blind fold. "You're mine." The position allowed Jensen to push his hips into the V Jared’s legs created and line their chests up. For the first time, they were on equal eye level. Grinning, he smirked triumphantly.

"You’re getting too good at this game," Jared protested before Jensen captured his lips again.

"Jared, that’s the first time I’ve caught you."

"I know, but I like it better watching you trip over your feet and hobble around like a baby.”

“I’m not a  _baby_.” Jensen scoffed with distaste for the word.

“Aww, little  _baby_  Jensen is mad that I’m calling him out on the temper tantrums he throws when he doesn’t get his way?” Laughing and ignoring a scowl from Jensen, he hopped off the table to make lunch. "What do you want? I can make some tacos." Jared suggested as he pulled the refrigerator door open.

"I don't care. Whatever you want." Jensen slid into one of the chairs and flung a leg onto the table.

"Ok, tacos it is then." Jared brought out a few ingredients from the refrigerator. Tacos were easy; he could make them with his eyes closed. It was his comfort food. His lazy day, I don’t want to do much more than sit around the house, type of food. Messing with all the ingredients did, however, bring to mind that he planned on doing a much more strenuous cooking marathon in the kitchen. "Jensen, Thanksgiving is coming up, and I was wondering,” he threw some chopped meat into a frying pan, “do you have any family, besides your parents of course?" Looking over his shoulder, he caught Jensen tensing up.

"Well not really." Jensen sat straight in his chair and pulled his leg off the table. "Why do you care?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to have them over for thanksgiving, you know? I could cook a nice dinner. I figured it would be nice to do something traditional.”

Jensen let out a good natured laugh. “Since when are you traditional?”

“Well, sometimes it’s important to follow traditions. Holidays are my exceptions. I’m inviting Misha over and maybe a few other friends.” Grabbing a bowl, Jared began to grate some cheese over it.

“Yeah? Misha? Don’t you have any family?” Jensen rose to his feet and came over to join Jared.

“Have them? Yes. Get along with them? No. None of them agree with my lifestyle and my parents always thought I wasted my potential and intelligence by spending most of my time working as a volunteer for charity rather than for a paycheck. Plus they don’t understand why I wanted to start a mobile pet grooming company. So unless you want a headache for the holidays, they will cordially  _not_  be invited.” Hoping to drop the subject, Jared pushed away the pain from that long delivered scar and turned a smile to Jensen as he handed the man a knife and a cutting board loaded with washed lettuce. “You got siblings of your own?”

Taking the knife from Jared, Jensen let his hand rest on the other man’s for a moment. There was tension in the younger man and Jensen couldn’t put his finger on the reason why. Shrugging, he responded, “no. I told you my parents died when I was younger. Never had any actual siblings. I had a lot of foster brothers and sisters and made friends with some kids in the orphanage but I lost touch with them a long time ago.” Dragging the knife through the leafy greens with ease, Jensen spoke softly. "I grew up around here, actually. But I don’t know anyone, so, I suppose I really don't have any family."

"You grew up here?" Jared turned towards Jensen and stared at him, locking onto his green eyes.

"Yeah, you sound surprised."

"Well, I suppose I am surprised. I didn't take you to be the kind of child that grew up…well that grew up without a lot of money." Jared pulled out a knife for his own use and cut into a small tomato.

"Yeah, well, when your father is a door to door salesman and your mother doesn't work, you adapt. You are limited to how and where you live.”

Jared was at a loss for words. "I suppose." He let Jensen finish chopping in silence and busied himself with seasoning the meat sizzling in the pan.

Jared’s silence acted like an open flood gate for Jensen. It surprised even himself. He didn’t realize he’d actually want to talk about his childhood but he supposed he was never truly given a chance to. He was so accustomed to bottling up his heartache and thoughts but with the chance to let it out, he couldn’t stop the words from bubbling up in his throat. "We were kind of the outcasts on the block…you know? No one wanted to be near the poor kid." Jensen looked down at the counter top and pressed his lips together.

Putting his knife down, Jared ran his thumb over the knuckles on Jensen’s hand, letting the pad drag over each nub. Catching the pained look on the older man’s face, Jared knew he had hit a sensitive spot. “I’m sorry."

"It's not your fault. It’s not really anyone’s fault. It’s just how the pieces fell I suppose. Besides, you know I’m fine?” He paused after the statement he meant as a declaration of strength ended with the intonation of a question. “I bought the house after my parents passed away, but I haven't been able to bring myself to go there again. I still carry the key with me, but I haven't been there in years." Jensen finished his job in their meal preparation and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Shit, I  _still_  carry the damn key.” He realized how pathetic that must sound. What type of grown man can’t face the insides of a house that remained empty for longer than it was full.

"I'll go there with you." Jared tiptoed his fingers up Jensen’s forearm and solidified their connection. The gesture was small but it was there. Jared knew a lot about breaking down walls but he wasn’t always sure how to deal with family hang-ups and drama. He also knew that Jensen looked like he needed the gesture and the thoughtfulness that came with it. Leaning forward, he nudged Jensen with a soft push of his own jaw and kissed him. Licking his lips, he repeated his earlier statement, an uncertain stutter to his words. “I’ll go with you. That is, if…if…you feel you need me to. If you want me there."

***

Jared knew it might seem childish, hell, maybe it was a leftover enjoyment from his childhood but Jared loved baths. When he shot up to 6’ and then kept growing, he learned that it wasn’t going to be easy to find the relaxation he equated to a long soak in a tub with no one telling him he has to get out.

That’s why, when he earned enough of his own money and had his own place, the first thing he did was invest in a tub large enough to fit his frame and a partner to join him.

Sitting in the tub with Jensen beside him, Jared felt like the investment was well worth it. He was seated behind Jensen, his knees popping out of the sudsy water and spread so that Jensen could rest his back against Jared’s chest. His hands were entwined in Jensen's soapy hair and he was currently making an art project out of the wet tresses. Jensen didn’t seem to mind, practically purring at the attention and the calming feeling of Jared’s fingers combing through his hair.

Maybe it was something that had been ingrained in Jared’s thoughts since he was young, but the tub provided him an escape from _everything_. And with Jensen between his legs, he couldn’t think of one thing left that he needed to escape.

The older man spun around, sliding his belly up Jared’s body so that their chests touched. Jensen smiled and pushed the damp strands of hair out of Jared’s face. He held his face in his hands as he kissed him. Much to Jared’s frustrations, it had taken Jensen a few tries at this whole  _bathtub thing_  before he could appreciate it. Now, however, Jensen got it. He understood why learning to do nothing was important. He could see now that he was wound too tightly and he functioned better when he allowed himself to appreciate the art of doing nothing. Besides, being naked and slippery against Jared’s body wasn’t actually a hardship. Jared looked gorgeous with the added sheen to his chest and the way each drop of water fell from his hair.

Jared let out a moan as he gave Jensen all his attention and kissed him. They sank slightly lower into the water and melted into one another. With the dicks stirring to life between them, Jared bucked upwards and gave a dirty growl. Their kisses grew more intense, letting on that they were both on board with making this bath X rated.

Trying to crawl forward and keep himself from slipping, Jensen got on his hands and knees, arching his back. His ass peaked out from the water.

"Hello, Jared love.” Misha’s voice drifted into the bathroom, bringing with it the sounds of belonging and being unfazed. "There is something wrong with the coffee. It tastes different today." Misha walked into the bathroom, coffee mug in hand, totally disregarding the fact that there were two naked men in the bathtub. He leaned his hip against the doorframe and took a sip of coffee.

Practically squawking, Jensen tried in vain to cover his nudity. His rushed actions made him slip and land face first in the tub water above Jared’s groin and he tried to get as much of his body covered as possible. Unfortunately, every move landed more of his body out of the water while he unsuccessfully cupped his hands over his dick and tried to sink into the water. He eventually managed, but not without any peaks as to what he was packing.

Laughing, Jared nuzzled his face into Jensen's neck. "Morning, Misha. Yeah I switched brands. That is hazel nut, I like it."

Misha made a face at the coffee. "It's ok." He finally looked up from his coffee. “Oh, hello, Jensen.”

"Do you mind? We’re kind of in the middle of something here." Jensen scowled at Misha, arms crossed over his chest and trying to keep his dignity. He tried to sit back up, but Jared pulled him closer to his chest.

Misha widened his eyes slightly. "I can  _see_  that." His lips curled up into a smile. "Jared, you’re looking quite lovely today. Nice chest." Misha made an exaggerated playful visual scan of Jared's body. “And Jensen, nice  _everything_.” He laughed, smile turning into a smirk as he verbally poked at Jensen’s discomfort. "Anyway, I came here to invite you two over to my apartment for dinner. Afterwards, we can see if your little bathing beauty here…" Misha gestured towards Jensen, "can dance." With that Misha turned to leave, "Dress up you two." Misha cupped his coffee mug in both hands and stomped out of the bathroom.

Jensen could practically feel the embarrassment burning through his skin. He must be so flushed that he was redder than a tomato. He had no idea how Jared could be so unaffected by the man barging in on their private moment. "Jared, I really think he has to start making his own coffee." Jensen turned in Jared's arms so he could face the younger man.

"Why? He’s not bothering anyone. Plus, I like having him around." Jared shrugged and kissed Jensen’s frustrated scowl.

"Well, next time he comes in, you could be screwing me silly."

"Oh, don’t worry about  _that_. He did that already."

Jaw dropping, Jensen couldn’t form words. He didn’t need to know that other people were privy to what he and Jared did behind closed doors. When it came to others knowing about his sexy life, he might be a little bit of a prude in that department. But he didn’t see why Jared seemed amused by it. “Jared! Seriously?”

Jared didn’t answer. At least not with words. Instead, he worked his hands over Jensen’s dick and gave the man the best damn hand job he’d ever had in his life. It got to the point where Jensen was a moaning, begging mess and became vaguely aware of Misha yelling at them and banging on the ceiling from the apartment bellow.

It was then that Jensen realized he didn’t give a fuck what Misha knew about their sex life. All that mattered was that Jared didn’t stop what he was doing and made him come so hard he forgot his own name.

***

Jared didn’t know what to think as he stood in the doorway of a small house. It was unkempt and old, the smell of age permeating his senses. He waited until Jensen pushed open the door before he took a step inside, letting the older man take the lead and expose Jared to as much of his past as he felt comfortable with. Jared would push him further when he reached his limit but for now it was in Jensen’s hands. Jared knew what family drama felt like and he knew those were the types of wounds that ran deepest.

"Well, this was my home." Jensen followed the man into a small hallway that branched into three rooms and led into a small kitchen. "As I said, I haven't been here for years, so it’s a mess."

Jared walked in farther, kicking a small box out of his path. He couldn’t believe that Jensen had owned this house for years and never stepped inside. It seemed like a waste of an investment but he bit his tongue and explored further. "What room was this?" Jared pointed to a small room with an old couch and an end table inside.

"That was the family room. My father spent a lot of time in there." Jensen's eyes darkened as he wandered through the house. “Whenever he came home from work he would sit in there. God forbid we bother him.” Looking at the room brought memories flooding back to the forefront of his brain. He shivered and even though he was a grown man, he felt like he was a kid again, barely able to advocate for himself. “I…I can’t even remember what they looked like. I…”

Jared latched onto Jensen’s hand and anchored him to the present. "What’s that one?" Jared pointed to an empty room as a distraction.

"That was my parent’s bedroom." Jensen pulled Jared forward and led him to the last room. "And this was my room." He let go of Jared's hand, leaving him to wander around the parameters of the room. It was worn down and aged but the remnants of cowboy themed wallpaper remained, letting on that it had once belonged to a little boy. Other than a small table in the corner, it was hauntingly empty. A sad reminder of a childhood long forgotten.

"So this is where you spent most of your time?" Jared asked as he traced the wallpaper, his finger outlining the points of a sheriff’s badge on the motif.

Jensen nodded. He gestured to the small table in the corner. “I used to have a record player over there, and when I was younger, I would listen to records day and night. I used to love doing that. Even taught myself how to play guitar just from listening to my records. Can’t read notes for shit but…yeah,” He said with a wistful sigh. “Wasn’t that great at it, but man, I remember how much I wanted to be a singer.” He laughed at the thought.

"You can sing?” Jared’s eyes perked up and he smiled. “Will you sing for me one day?” Returning to Jensen, he bumped his shoulders into the man’s in a playful show of affection.

"I don't think so, I gave that up long ago.” There was a sad sigh on Jensen’s lips when he pulled Jared close and busied himself with holding the man tight and trying to let go of the memories. He  _tried_  to focus on the calm Jared always seemed to exude. He wanted to embrace that but the coldness of the house felt like it was sinking in and he shivered. The only thing that helped was that he knew Jared sensed it and cared enough to snuggle him, keep close to him and remind him of his warmth.

“And so you sat here and listened to music?” Jared asked with careful sidestepped words. Upon Jensen’s nod, he continued. “Did you dance?” Jared spun and pulled Jensen into a dancing position, wrapping one arm around his waist.

"Never had a dancing partner.” Jensen pulled Jared close to his chest and started to dance with the man. Almost as soon as they started moving, Jared immediately stepped on Jensen's toes. Jensen pulled away and started to dance again, and yet again Jared stepped on his feet. It soon became apparent that they were both trying to lead and getting nowhere. “Jared, I may not know how to do many things, but I do know how to dance, and you’re terrible at it.” With a laugh, Jensen smiled for the first time that afternoon.

“I’m  _not_  terrible at it. Besides, I never had a dancing partner either.” Jared forced himself into leading again, making Jensen take a step back and mirror his movements. “And you won’t let me lead.”

“That’s ‘cause,” Jensen spun the taller man and pressed his right thigh against Jared’s left, “I lead. You can follow me for once.” The statement wasn’t demanding, Jensen’s words holding more of a pleading tone. He was mildly surprised when Jared backed down and gave following Jensen’s lead a shot.

It was slow going, but after a few false starts, the two men were able to make their way around the room. There was no music but it didn’t seem to matter. They got caught up in their own world, falling into sync and mirroring each other perfectly. While by no means flawless dancers, they were both in the other’s trance.

“You know, this house…it’s just a house,” Jared said as they moved.

“I know…but…”

“It’s just a house, Jensen.” Jared repeated. “You can take those memories and paint them over with new ones. Ones from a life that is happy and…one where you have someone to dance with. Someone you can sing with without a care about how good you sound.”

Jensen pulled the man closer. He knew Jared was right. Everything he was saying made sense. The house was just walks and old paint. It wasn’t the cause of his parents’ death or his harsh childhood. And dancing with Jared made him realize it wasn’t nearly as cold as he thought it was upon first entering. It wasn’t scary at all. It just needed a little love. Like himself, he supposed.

It should have taken months of practice but their movements were smooth and when they broke hold for a momentary slide against each other’s chests, Jared followed Jensen’s lead and shifted positions so that they could both spin and land to face each other in a smiling kiss.

The moment was broken when Jared’s brain latched onto a remembrance. “Shit! We’re supposed to go to Misha's tonight!” Dropping their hold, he grabbed Jensen’s hand and tugged him out of old memories and into new ones.

***

Jared was standing in front of a mirror trying to fix his hair. His efforts were in vain because, despite his smoothing, pieces of it were curling behind his ears. It didn’t look bad, if anything, it was quirky, same as his personality. His hip bones peaked out from the top of his dark jeans where his button up shirt rode up as his arms reached to fuss with his hair once more. Settling on his look, he snorted and gave up.

Jensen had been watching him get ready with a small smirk on his lips. By all means, Jared was worlds away from anyone he’d ever dated and for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why. The past weeks with Jared had been the most organic moments in his life. Nothing felt forced or wrapped in a shiny coating to keep up reputations with the rest of the world. Going to Misha’s for dinner and dancing wasn’t something Jensen had been looking forward to but Jared seemed to have a renewed energy about going. Jensen had noticed that Jared seemed quieter today but watching him talk to himself in the mirror comforted him enough so as not to worry about it. Besides, he was wearing those jeans that gave people a free show of the V of his hips. Unable to resist, he snuck up on Jared and smacked hi ass. “You look nice. Can we get naked now?" Jensen tried to put on an innocent face as he stood beside the man at the mirror and locked eyes with Jared’s reflection. In contrast, Jensen’s look was more polished than Jared’s, crisp white dress shirt and black slacks.

Jared rolled his eyes and hip-checked Jensen out of the mirror’s reflection. "Very funny, Jensen. There is no way I am canceling because you want to get naked. Besides, if we lie, I think he’ll be able to figure out exactly what we’re doing.” Jared turned and raised an amused eyebrow at the blush on Jensen’s cheeks. “I’m sure Misha Marisha made a delicious meal for us.”

Cocking his head, Jensen curled his lip in uncertainty. “Misha Marisha? Seriously? Who names their kid that?”

“Whatever. Come on. Misha Marisha is waiting for us.” Jared dragged Jensen out of the bathroom and towards the main room of the apartment.

“We’re using full names now?” Jensen asked.

“Maybe we are.  _Jensen Ackles_.” Jared said the name slowly as he leaned in teasingly and touched Jensen’s lips with his own for a fleeting moment.

“Well, I would rather spend time with Jared Padalecki.” Jensen tried to wrap his arms around Jared's waist but the man pulled away.

“Later. Dinner with Misha Marisha first.”

“Then getting naked with Jared Padalecki?” Jensen grabbed a bottle of wine from the table and tried to give a smooth smile but Jared yanked him towards the door and he stumbled a bit before falling in line beside him.

“We can get naked later, ok? After dinner and dancing." Jared pulled the door open.

“I would much rather see you naked, please?” Jensen playfully pleaded in Jared's ear.

"That is very sweet, but later."

"How about we get naked now and then go to Misha's later?"

"If you don't get your cute little ass into Misha's apartment now then no getting naked tonight." Jared smirked triumphantly.

Jensen raised his hands in defeat, suddenly eager to follow Jared’s request. "Ok, you win. I’m going!"

The plus side to living in the apartment above your best friend’s was that travel time was nonexistent. As was the need for designated drivers and figuring out a way how to get home. Jared had spent many drunk nights thanking his lucky stars that the only thing he had to conquer while inebriated was a flight of stairs, which was more dangerous than it looked. Still, it made getting together an easy and constant thing, seemingly to Jensen’s displeasure at the moment. Jared knocked on the door then used his thumb and forefinger to physically force Jensen’s lips into a smile.

The action made Jensen swat him away but he couldn’t help but smile at Jared’s attempt. The door opening startled him because the person who came to the door was a total and utter surprise for Jensen. It was Misha, at least Jensen thought it was Misha. The man’s face was lightly painted with makeup but his lips were bright and red. He was wearing an almost black wig, the strands cut on an angle that followed the line of Misha’s jaw and framed his face. As much as that shocked Jensen, he widened his eyes further over the fact that Misha was wearing a tight fitting green sequin dress which reached only mid-thigh, leaving strong muscled legs exposed and feet that were strapped into delicate looking black sandals. His makeup was simple enough but the transformation dried up any words on Jensen’s tongue and he stood there baffled.

Jared whistled and latched onto his friend, hugging him tight. “Don’t you look sexy tonight!”

Misha shrugged and shook off the compliment with a confident air about him but he smiled at the two men as he moved aside to give them entrance.

"I love your dress." Jared studied the way the dress clung to Misha’s slender body.

"Jared dear, this isn’t a dress. It’s a sequin masterpiece.” Misha spread his arms and looked seductively at Jared. "Hi Jensen, glad you could make it. Come on in.” He gave an amused smirk at the stunned newcomer.

"Uhh…hel…hell….Hi." Jensen stuttered his greetings as he entered into the main room.

“Oh Jare, the man looks like he’s seen a ghost.” Misha shared a laugh with Jared. “Relax, Jensen. I don’t bite.” With a snap of his teeth he added, “much.”

“Jen,  _this_  is Marisha.” Jared said by way of explanation as he gestured between his friend and lover.

“Ah ha,” Jensen uttered as he nodded.

A small blonde entered the room and caught Jensen's eye. Her slight build gave away that she was in fact a biological woman. With her short curly locks and the tight fit of her lavender knee length dress, she was a slip of a thing. Her calve-high boots gave her a bit of an edge as did the sway of her hips. She glided towards Misha – Marisha – and latched onto his arm, getting up on her toes to give him a kiss on his red glossed lips.

Jensen practically choked on air. He was sure he looked like a complete fool but he couldn’t help it. He was trying to put together what he was actually seeing. So far, his brain was able to pick up on the fact that the blonde was a woman, the blonde seemed to be in a relationship with Misha. Misha was sometimes Marisha, Misha was apparently not gay. “You…You’re…” Jensen stuttered at Marisha.

“In a dress?” Marisha finished for Jensen.

“I was going to say ‘straight’ but  _that_  too.” Laughing nervously, Jensen licked his lips.

“Of course I am.” Misha said in disbelief that anyone could think otherwise. “Wait…did you think…oh, Jensen, you didn’t think I liked Jared in _that_  way, did you?” Without waiting for a response, he let out a laugh that boomed through the room.

Jensen didn’t see what was so funny. He grabbed Jared by the elbow, even more frustrated to find that he was laughing as well, and whispered in his ear harshly. “You didn't tell me Misha was straight."

Jared had to compose himself from laughing so much before he could actually answer. "It was much more amusing to make you think Misha was my lover.” He ruffled Jensen’s hair and laughed again. “I also didn’t tell you he’d be in a dress, which was also fun. Because, Jen? The look on your face when he answered the door was priceless.” He dissolved into a fit of laughter again.

“It’s not funny, Jared.” Huffing, Jensen put his hand on his hip and looked all the more out of place amongst the guests. He pointed at Misha. “You’re in a dress.”

“We’ve been through this Jensen. It’s not a dress, it’s a work of art. And yes, I am in a dress. How very observant of you. I hope that’s not a problem. It’s just…sometimes the confines of the work week and men’s work wear get to me and I need to let Marisha come out for a while. It’s not as weird as you think. Lots of straight men do it. Luckily I have the means to myself and I have this gorgeous thing,” he motioned towards the woman on his arm, “who is all the more supportive. In fact, I think she likes it.”

The woman laughed, “It’s because your legs look better in that dress than mine. It’s not fair!”

“Your legs are just fine,” Misha said with a kiss to her lips. “Jensen, this is Kim." Resting an arm on Kim's shoulder, Misha pushed her towards Jensen.

Kim reached a hand out to Jensen, shaking with him. “Nice to meet you. Sorry for the big surprise. These two idiots,” she nodded towards Jared and Misha, “didn’t clue me in that you weren’t aware of the type of night they were dragging you into. No pun intended. They’re just…well….I guess their friendship takes some getting used to. Now I barely recognize it when Jared’s fussing around the kitchen looking for something in the middle of the night.

“Oh, he does that to you too?” Jensen raised an eyebrow at Jared. He knew Misha had a key to Jared’s apartment but he wasn’t aware it worked the other way around as well. “I guess you do understand what I’m going through.” Feathers un-ruffling, Jensen relaxed and gave Kim a genuine smile. She seemed nice.  _Normal_. For a moment, he hated himself for even giving that observation any importance.

“Sort of. Jared…well Jared is something else. And I’m guessing you don’t have to fight with him over you new little black dress. So…there is that.” Giving Misha an incriminating eye, she turned towards Jared. “Oh, Jared! You look so handsome.”

“I try.” He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

“How you doing, baby?” Kim asked as she pulled her tiny body against his in a hug.

“Fine.” Jared’s answer was short. Sniffing the air, he moved onto other areas of discussion. “It smells great in here. I’m starving.”

"You’re always starving,” Misha quipped. "Well don't just stand around, take a seat. Dinner is sitting around waiting for us to eat it. Don’t worry Jensen, it’s not wearing sequins or anything.”

“Ha, ha,” Jensen said dryly as Misha ushered them into the dining room where a small table had been set for four. Kim entered the room with a small serving dish in her hands.

"I hope you like couscous." Kim set the food onto the table and then went back to the kitchen for the chicken.

"I love couscous, don't you Jensen?" Jared took the serving spoon and placed some on his dish as well as Jensen's.

"Uhh, yes." Jensen just sat there, with a befuddled face on. He guessed it looked like grain but he’d never had couscous before. He’d never done a lot of things before, yet the three people around him were throwing these things into his life like they were meant to be there all along, like they were  _normal_. He caught himself thinking of normalcy again and his stomach twisted up. His world had been spun on its head. By all means, it shouldn’t feel normal but he couldn’t help being at ease with it. For Jensen, the hardest part was always letting go of the reins but once he did the rest was easy. The reins had been forgotten weeks ago. Now his biggest obstacle was figuring out if he liked couscous. He could handle that.

"You made this Kim?" Jared looked towards the blonde woman who had finally taken a seat.

"I  _slaved_  over it." Kim smiled and took a serving for herself.

"She made it from a box." Misha muttered under his breath.

"Well I still made it, didn't I?" Kim looked across the table at Jensen as she spoke, looking for someone to back her up.

"Regardless, it’s delicious, and I could eat anything right now." Jared made quick work of his dinner. Too preoccupied with eating, he let Kim fill the meal with her social skills. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Every now and then, Jensen looked up and caught sight of Misha and his brain still balked at the fact that the man was wearing false eyelashes and eyeliner. Misha didn’t seem to forget; he batted them almost purposely at Jensen, laughing every time Jensen’s eyes darted away and focused on his plate. The rest of the dinner was uneventful, Jensen remaining somewhat silent while the others picked up a conversation. He let his eyes wander around the apartment, sizing up its contents and all of Misha's belongings in an attempt to get a sense of who Misha was. The apartment was neater than Jared’s but it also had things Jared’s didn’t. Namely, a huge television.

Misha noticed Jensen looking over towards the television and spoke up. "You can watch it if you like." Standing up, he took his empty plate and Jared’s into the kitchen.

'Well….it’s just, Jared doesn't believe in television. It's been three weeks since I’ve even seen an actual television." Jensen rose to his feet and took Misha up on his offer. He understood Jared’s aversion to television but Jensen was pretty sure it didn’t actually rot your brain or suck up free time you didn’t have.”

"Hey! In my defense, there are much better things to do than watch T.V." Jared turned to face Jensen but the man was already in the other room. “See? He’s like a moth to a flame,” he complained to him.

Misha wandered over towards Jensen and switched on the T.V. "You know Jensen, you’ve looked like a fish out of water ever since you came here. Is it the dress?" Crossing his arms over his chest, he moved so that he stood beside Jensen.

"Well, no, it is not that. It is just, I wish I had known, I would have…" Jensen was cut off by Misha.

"You would have what? Worn a dress? I think that’s highly unlikely. Though it would be amusing to see," Misha turned towards the television, focusing his attention to the commercial. "Oh, I love this one."

"You do?" Jensen watched the commercial, familiar with it since it was one he and his old advertising firm had created. He’d even won an award for it. Hearing someone say they liked it always made his chest swell with pride and he couldn’t stop himself from standing a little taller.

"Yes. And before you say anything, I know you created it.”

Jensen’s jaw dropped. “You-you do?”

“Of course, I do.” Misha shook his head. “You think I let Jared shack up with complete strangers without actually worrying about him? No. I knew who you were from the moment you stormed out of here that first night.”

“That’s…well that’s fucking unsettling, that’s what that is.” Jensen raised his eyebrow. He felt conflicted. He was glad someone was watching out for Jared but he felt like he was at a disadvantage in the sense that Misha seemed to know a hell of a lot about him but he knew nothing about the man other than the fact that he didn’t like hazelnut coffee and he wore dresses in his free time.

“Relax. I’m harmless.” Misha clapped Jensen on the shoulder, the gesture hard enough to reveal the man he was underneath the dress. They both turned back to the television in the awkwardness of the moment. “Now,  _this_ , this is my favorite,” Misha said as he watched a commercial play across the large flat screen.

Jensen didn’t agree. The ad was by M.C. Visions and had beat Jensen’s company out for the production rights. In the back of his head, he knew it was a good ad, polished and shiny where it needed to be but gritty enough to get a laugh out of viewers so that they remembered it. Snorting, Jensen crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you know how many awards this commercial earned?”

“Of course I do. Two.”

“You sure? I thought it was only one,” Jensen countered.

“Nope, two.” Misha pointed to a shelf beside the television.

Following the man’s finger, Jensen realized quickly that Misha was pointing to awards. Advertising awards. How Jensen hadn’t picked up on them on his first scan of the apartment was beyond him. “You…you…”

“We’ve got to help you learn to finish your sentences,” Misha said with a smile. “I created this ad. I think it’s probably my best work.”

“You’re Misha Collins,” Jensen said as the facts sunk in. “Misha Collins. As in, M.C. Visions.  _That_  Misha Collins.” For the hundredth time in the month of November, Jensen was speechless. For the past three weeks he had been living in an apartment building with his biggest rival. And, not only that, but the man was Jared’s best friend, a bit eccentric, and wore dresses on weekends. “Are you fucking kidding me?” All of Jensen’s drive to dominate the advertising career came to life and rushed to the forefront of his world. He felt it take hold of his being and shatter every ounce of calm he’d been walking around in for the past weeks.

“Relax, Jensen. That shit? That doesn’t matter. Marisha doesn’t give a damn about the advertising world. In fact, Misha doesn’t either when he’s at home. Work is work.  _This_  right here and now? This isn’t work. This is living and appreciating good friends and good food.” As a matter of damage control, he switched off the television and turned to Jensen. “What your problem is…is that you can’t seem to separate the work version of Jensen and who Jensen is without work.”

The accusation stung and Jensen grit his teeth. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh really? Because I’m pretty sure you know that Misha Collins is good at what he does. But I’m also good at  _this_ : having a partner and friends. I’m good at  _living_. Are you?”

“I…I….” Jensen had a retort on his tongue. It was right there. But he couldn’t give it wings and was forced to swallow it down. Misha was right. “I’m trying. I am…I…”

“I know you are,” Misha’s words were sincere. “I know.”

They stood beside each other in silence. In the past hour or so, Jensen had learned enough about Misha to realize that, while he could be annoying, he was a good person. He was doing something right. He was everything Jensen wanted to be professionally but he didn’t know he could have that while still making time for his mental health and social life. Still, old habits die hard and he spoke before realizing what he was asking. “Did you…did you get the Nike account? The one I botched for my firm.”

With a soft laugh, Misha shook his head. “Let it go, Jensen.”

“You did, didn’t you!” Jensen demanded.

“Jensen! Let it go.” Misha turned and spoke slowly, so that the seriousness of his words sank in.

“Okay…right…yes…” Jensen took a deep calming breath and shoved his hands in his pocket. He realized they were both staring at a blank screen yet he kept looking ahead, unsure of the next move to make. Hesitatingly, he started with, “so, dresses, huh?”

Misha laughed and put his arm around his shoulder. It was friendly and for the first time Jensen didn’t want to punch the man. He supposed knowing that he wasn’t trying to get into Jared’s pants, played a huge part in that.

Jared watched them interact and relaxed back into his seat. It might have been mean keeping Misha’s sexuality a secret but if Jared was trying to teach Jensen to have more confidence in himself and not worry so much over other’s motives, then it was a moot point. He laughed at the fact the two men were still transfixed on the powered off electronic. He gestured to Kim, "see, that is why I hate television. It’s not even on and it’s like a portal; they’re both total zombies."

"I heard that." Came Misha's voice.

"Ok, well maybe not him, but Jensen is." Jared slumped into his chair.

"I know what you mean." Kim leaned in towards Jared, who was holding his head. "Let me guess, you need an aspirin?" Kim touched him on the shoulder, "I know how you feel."

"Yeah thanks." Jared looked gratefully at Kim who went to retrieve the offered medicine. Jared got on his feet and plopped himself down onto the couch, watching the two men. He cradled his head in his hands, feeling the throbbing pain making it hard for him to see straight. Kim returned with two pills and he quickly swallowed them down. "Thanks."

Kim waivered on the edge of a question with a motherly concerned look in her eyes. “Jared, you know…maybe you should…”

“It’s  _fine_ , Kim. I’m  _fine_.” He made a pained grimace and closed his eyes. He knew he wasn’t fine but he hoped that if he kept repeating the word that he’d start truly believing it. His vision darkened and he felt like the walls were caving in on him.  _This_  couldn’t be happening here and now. He couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want  _everyone_  to have to deal with it. Panic added to his misery and he curled his arms around his stomach. They were supposed to go dancing and he was supposed to show Jensen that he  _could_  dance if Jensen let him lead this time. He had plans. But plans meant shit when he felt a cold sweat dripping down his spine and his flight or fight mechanism kicking it. Voice shaking, his words were weak. "Umm, guys, I’m not feeling too well." Jared stood up, holding his stomach. “I think I…” He tried to smile and laugh off the moment but no one missed the pained flinch his expression made when his smile faltered. “You go on without me. Really. Seriously. I must regretfully decline." Looking pale, Jared’s frame shook.

Jensen looked at him with worried eyes and reached out to steady Jared but Misha and Kim nodded silently.

Trying to smile at Jensen, Jared broke free of his hold. “Jensen, you stay. Have a good time. I don’t want to ruin your night." Jared held his sides tightly as he bolted out of the room, leaving one extremely confused Jensen behind.

After Jared left, no one moved. Jensen’s gut reaction was to dart after him but Misha and Kim’s calm demeanor clued him in that they knew more than they were letting on. It intrigued him enough to turn and face the couple, raising a questioning eyebrow. "What was that all about?”

For the first time since they met, Misha tripped over his words as he formulated a response. “Well, he…he gets terrible migraines," Misha kept his voice steady at the tail end and walked over to Jensen.

"Terribly  _horrible_  migraines,” Kim added.

"Go see him." Misha stepped closer to Jensen and looked him straight in the eye. There was something there, like his words were a warning and a suggestion mixed into one.

Jensen felt more unsettled about Jared’s actions as he took his leave without goodbyes and climbed the stairs to Jared’s apartment.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Jensen took the stairs two at a time. He was completely unable to shake the feeling in his belly that had been building since he’d recognized how pale Jared looked under the fake smiles before he darted out of Misha’s apartment.

“Jare?” He asked as he found Jared’s apartment door ajar and he crept inside. Jared wasn’t anywhere in plain sight so he delved deeper.

Jared’s ears perked up at the sound of Jensen’s voice and his hands fumbled with the prescription bottle in his grasp. Finally popping it open, he didn’t bother counting the pills that tumbled into his hand, choosing instead to swallow them down and slam the medicine cabinet shut, locking it quickly and dropping the tiny key in his pocket.

He’d just finished his task when a breathless Jensen appeared in the bathroom’s doorway. Holding onto the edges of the sink, he turned with a weak smile on his lips. “Oh, Jensen, you didn’t have to rush up here after me.”

“By the looks of you…I  _did_.” Jensen stepped into the room and ran his hand over Jared’s clammy cheek. “What’s going on, Jared?”

“I told you. I’m  _fine_. It must have been Kim’s cooking or something.” Jared threw every one of his walls up and held strong to the façade that he was battling nothing more serious than indigestion or food poisoning. Blinking down at the white ceramic sink as he tried to find the strength to put on a smile to get them through the rest of the night, he noticed that in his haste while cleaning up, he’d left two bottles out of their hiding spot in the medicine cabinet. He reached out to block them from Jensen’s view but his vision doubled for a moment and he knocked them over, sending them clattering to the floor and spilling the pills to bounce across the tiles. “Shit!” He ducked down as fast as he could and tried to flatten his palms to the pills to stop them from bouncing and rolling away.

“Here, let me help.” Jensen crouched down and gathered up some stray pills that had come his way.

“I’ve got it.” Jared grabbed the pills out of Jensen’s hands and scrambled to get the rest out of view as well. His hands shook as he tried to sort out the green and white oval pills from the ones that looked almost the same but were a different shape. Cursing, he shoved them all in one bottle and struggled with finding the cap.

“Jared, it’s  _okay_.” Jensen put a hand on the man’s shoulder, confused as to why he was so jittery, skittering away from him like a cornered animal. “Let me help.” Jensen repeated as he reached for the bottle cap.

“I said,  _I’ve got it_!” Jared hadn’t meant to yell so loudly but the defense tactic happened on his own accord. He flashed sad, apologetic eyes at Jensen when he snatched the cap out of the older man’s grasp and shoved it on the bottle. He’d sort the pills later, without prying eyes. For now, he wanted to shove them away. As quickly as possible, he unlocked the medicine cabinet again and hoped Jensen didn’t get a good look. Locking it, he licked his lips. “Sorry, I’m just…” The wheels in Jared’s head turned as he tried to figure out a way out of being in the spotlight. “Hey, didn’t you want to get naked before?” He gave a sexy smirk as he popped the first button on his dress shirt slowly and seductively. “How about we get naked?” He tried to repeat his actions with the next button but wavered, needing to sidestep so as to find his balance again.

“Whoa! Hey, hey, hey,” Jensen said as he wrapped his arms around Jared’s waist and held him upright. “ _That_  is not  _fine_.”

“I’m just a little lightheaded.” A genuine embarrassed laugh left Jared’s mouth. He’d never let anyone other than Misha see him this helpless and that fact made the adrenaline running through his body give him an out of body experience, like his head was miles above the room. “It’ll pass.” Pressing into Jensen’s body, he whispered in his ear. “So? Naked time?” The words started off as steamy but ended with a tremor to them as he clung to Jensen for more stability purposes and less desirous ones.

“Jare…” Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes, reaching up to cup his cheeks and force him to hold his gaze. What he saw was misery frosted over with a false sense of happiness. “You’re really sick.” Sighing while he shook his head, he got a better hold on Jared’s waist and tugged him towards the bed. He’d never had anyone to care for like this and that fact sparked a momentary panic in him. It was over ridden instinct to keep his loved ones safe, which only served to start another panic. He didn’t know what he was doing but he knew he needed to get Jared somewhere comfortable where he could look over him. “How about tomorrow we get naked and tonight we get into pajamas? How about that.” He sat Jared on the edge of the bed and gave him a smile to let the man know that there wasn’t even a hint of disappointment in putting their promised naked time aside for the time being.

“Yeah…that sounds….that sounds good, actually.” Jared nodded and sighed. It was a relief to let down the farce that he wasn’t as sick as he felt.

The rest was a bit of a blur. Jensen helped shuck Jared’s clothing and provided him with a soft worn shirt and pair of sweats. Jensen tucked Jared into bed, settling behind him so that he could spoon his body protectively around Jared’s.

It was warm, comfortable, and safe, both of them had to agree to that fact.

Snuggling the blankets closer, Jared wigged his cold feet between Jensen’s calves and snuffled into the pillow. “Thank you, Jen.”

Jensen pulled the taller man closer. “Don’t thank me.” He dropped soft, slow kisses along the nape of Jared’s neck and smiled into the warming skin. “I want to take care of you. You’ve been so focused on me…it’s….just, let me take care of you? Please?” He pressed another drawn out kiss to the sensitive area behind Jared’s ear.

“‘mm ‘kay,” Jared mumbled. He was too tired and weak to argue. Besides, it felt good to have Jensen surrounding him this way: the man’s arms around his waist, his scent in Jared’s nostrils, the warm flutter of his breath against Jared’s neck. Jensen was very much real, solid, and  _there_. It was almost enough for Jared to think that November wasn’t going to end any time soon.

Jensen felt it too. He had been picking up on it for a few days. It was scary and alien, something that the Jensen of four weeks ago wouldn’t even entertain. But now he knew it was real and it was there and it bubbled out of his mouth like it was a tidal wave that couldn’t be stopped. “I love you.”

Jared did his best not to jolt into a bundle of stiffened muscles. Somehow, he managed to keep his muscles lax and his breathing calm. At best, he was hoping he could fool Jensen into believing that he was asleep. It wasn’t much of a lie. Jared already had one foot into unconsciousness and had Jensen not uttered those three words, he would have been out cold by now. So while he kept his muscles slack, Jared’s mind was short circuiting. He wanted to run because this wasn’t the plan he made weeks ago when he wanted Jensen to stay with him. This wasn’t supposed to happen but it was and it was real and he had little doubt that Jensen meant it. Handfuls of people had expressed their love to him before but the key difference was that he’d never in all his years been so ready to say it back without a hint of uncertainty. The words were there. He should have said them because, laying there in Jensen’s arms, he realized how true they were. It was the second scariest piece of news he’d ever dealt with. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t shatter someone’s life by earning their love and leaving them with nothing one day.

If Jared had to pick one specific moment out of all the feasible ones,  _that_  would be the moment Jared felt he was losing his grip on control.

***

Waking up in the morning came slowly to Jensen. Sprawled out in Jared’s bed, he pulled the sheets to him and groaned as he shifted his muscles.

Jared wasn’t in the bed, that much he could tell right away. Had the man been there, they would be in a tangle of limbs and Jensen would be deprived of warmth due to the blanket-hog that Jared was. Cracking his eyes open, he saw a note from Jared.

_Hey, Jen. Feeling much better this morning. I must have needed to sleep it off. I went out food shopping and to walk a dog. Be back later. Don’t miss my ass too much._

-         _Jared_

_P.S. On second thought, you should miss my ass. Miss it all day. Think about it. We’ll discuss your feelings about it later._

Jensen snorted. Now that he was given such a suggestion, he doubted he would actually be able to think about something other than Jared’s ass. The fact that the man had gotten up early was a good sign, but Jensen was still worried.

Sliding out of bed, he stumbled to the bathroom to splash water on his face and brush his teeth. Looking up, his eyes caught the medicine cabinet that Jared had fiddled with last night. Jensen had always noticed it but not until last night did he realize how much it actually held. He caught a flash of the pill bottles lining its shelves. Testing the door pull, he found it locked and shrugged his shoulders. If the man wanted to keep medicine safely locked away, then Jensen couldn’t fault him for it. Still, it left him feeling unsettled.

A lot of things left him feeling unsettled.

Namely, the fact that he loved Jared. He did. There was no doubt about it although he wasn’t sure how he knew that. The feeling simply appeared and it saturated all his thoughts and filled his heart. He’d never felt this type of emotions towards  _anyone_.

He’d felt gratitude, that’s for sure. There were teachers and foster parents who gave him opportunities he’d always be thankful for.

He’s felt partnership in the workplace, a type of comradery that led to powerful marketing teams and success.

He’d felt lust and the need to concur and dominate but this new feeling wasn’t any of those things.

What he felt for Jared was something different entirely and everything wrapped into one.

Shaking his head, his heart skipped a beat when he thought about Jared’s dimpled smile and how he always wanted to see that face. He always wanted to put that smile on Jared’s face.

“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath as he realized just how deep in he was.

He blamed Jared when he typed out a quick text message to Chris in search of his advice. He’d have never gone to anyone for his personal problems before. It was completely Jared’s doing when he and Chris landed themselves in a bar around the corner drinking beers in silence.

“So,” Chris said in invitation to initiate substantial conversation.

“You still looking for a job?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah. I am. But I doubt that is why you called me and said, ‘I really need to bounce a completely insane idea off of you and you need to tell me I’ve lost my mind’ because if my employment status is affecting you that much, you need more help than I can give you.” He laughed at the still confused look on Jensen’s face. “Relax dude. I’m teasing you. You know, trying to lighten the mood. Christ, Jensen, you’ve been fucking weird lately.”

“ _Everything_  has been weird lately.” Jensen huffed and took a long swing of his beer. Leaning his elbows on the bar top, he hung his head. “I don’t know what is happening to me.”

“That’s…that’s kind of normal, you know? Losing a job is one of the most traumatic events someone could go through. It’s right up there on the list after death, and divorce.” Chris took a moment to drink his own beer. “I mean, what Miller did to you was a dick move. Just because you lost him the Nike campaign doesn’t mean you didn’t make his company a respected name in advertising.”

The vote of confidence from his friend made Jensen raise his eyebrows and provided him with a momentary wave of confidence. “Man, I appreciate you saying that but it has nothing to do with a job, actually. I haven’t been thinking about finding work since the blowup with Dawson.” Saying the words aloud made that fact dawn on Jensen. “Holy shit, I haven’t even been looking for a job. That’s not normal. I…I’ve been doing… _nothing_.”

Chris snorted into his beer. “Hey, I’ve seen Jared. I don’t think you’ve been doing  _nothing_.”

For a split second Jensen almost corrected Chris’ assumption that Jensen had been doing most of the  _doing_  in his and Jared’s relationship. Biting his tongue, he tried to formulate the easiest way to get Chris up to speed with what had been going on. “Yeah, well…Jared.” Letting out a deep breath, he sighed. “Jared is….something else. He’s…he’s everything I was afraid to let myself be because I thought it would ruin me. It sounds stupid now but I thought giving my time to something other than my job wouldn’t land me something that made me happy. I was raised with the hope and dream that if I went to school, graduated from a good college and got a high paying job that I would have  _made it_. You know? I’d be a success in a world that had stacked the deck against me. I thought I had it all planned out but,” he took a sip of beer to prepare himself for closing the sentence, “it turns out I didn’t know anything.”

The words hung between them for a moment before Chris picked them up and nodded. “Took you a while to figure that out, huh?” Laughing he rolled his eyes. “Guess you are human, just like the rest of us.”

“Guess I am.”

“You know, before this month, I don’t think we ever actually talked about anything other than work.” Chris said with a shrug.

“That’s because I didn’t have much else to talk about. Now? Now I’ve got a bundle of new experiences that come in a 6’4” package with long hair and dimples. He’s driving me crazy and I…I like it. I love it actually.”

“How come you never talked about Jared before? I mean, he’s cool. You should have brought him to happy hour when the guys from work came out…” Chris stopped short.

Jensen knew it was because they’d hit the uncomfortable road block in the form of the fact that the guys at work stopped asking Jensen out to happy hour after he turned them down the first dozen times. To be fair, Jensen would have continued to refuse their offer. He hadn’t seen it as a weakness then but he realized his inability to relax and connect with people in a social level put him at a disadvantage on the life-skills level. “Chris, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have wanted me around then either. I wasn’t much fun, was I?”

“Good in the board room? Yes. Fun? Not so much. Which is kind of funny because you’re surprising and entertaining as hell now. Gotta admit, it’s fun watching you squirm right now. I’ve never seen you so off your game.” Chris clinks his beer against the one that’s sitting in front of Jensen at the bar as a friendly gesture.

“I don’t even know what my game is any more. This friend thing? I’m trying to figure it out. I mean, we did run for our lives together from Clive Dawson. I think that’s a pretty good start to a friendship.”

“It’s a damn good start and a damn good story. I don’t think I’ll ever forget his face when you called him out.”

“Me neither.” They shared a laugh and a comfortable silence while they nursed the remainders of their beers. “You know, I couldn’t have brought Jared with me then. I didn’t know him and I never thought to bring Lizzie out with you guys. So…I just went home.”

“Whoa, I wasn’t insinuating that you were fooling around with Jared while you were with Lizzie, but I figured you must have known him. The two of you look like you had a comfortable vibe going. I just assumed you knew each other.”

Snorting in amusement at Chris’ observation, Jensen shook his head. “Nope. I met him at the end of October. He…he dragged me into breaking and entering…sort of. Whatever,” he waved his hand to clear the air of any worrisome connotations that fact would generally bring with it. “Anyway…I’ve been with him practically every day since then. It’s unconventional and unlike anything I’ve ever done before but it’s the freest I’ve felt in my entire like.”

“Good for you, man.” Chris patted Jensen on the back. “Some people try their whole life to figure that out and never do. You’ve managed to do it in your 30’s.” Lowering his voice, he snorted out a teasing retort. “Overachiever.”

“It’s all Jared’s doing. He’s the overachiever. He’s…sweet and funny and sexy as hell. He owns his own business and knows how to run it. At first I thought he was just a free spirit but he figures things out and really understands them. He’s got things so down pat that he folds them into his life like they are effortless. And me? He just  _gets me_. The things about me that turned other people off are practically invisible to him. He sees things underneath that I hadn’t realized were there until he uncovered them. And did I mention he’s sexy as hell?”

“Yeah, you did.” Laughing, Chris finished his beer and signaled to the bartender for another round. “You know, he’s not my type and all but I’m glad he does it for you. I gotta admit, I didn’t even know you swung that way, but then I saw you with him and it wasn’t even weird. It made perfect sense.”

“Yeah, Jared has that effect.”

“I gather that, although, I’m still not getting why you need me to stop you from doing something crazy. Seems like you’re pretty hung up on the guy.”

“I am. Completely. I…I fucking love him and it’s definitely not love at first sight. In fact, I think I hated him when I first met him. But now? Now I love him.” The words felt good on Jensen’s tongue and he caught himself throwing the word ‘love’ into his exclamation a little too much but he couldn’t stop himself. “And…the crazy part is…I don’t want to be without him. Ever.” Jensen struggled to figure out a way to explain Jared’s monthly rotation of partners to Chris without making the man sound like he had loose morals. In the end, he sugar coated it. “Jared’s under the impression that what he has with me is not a permanent thing. I want it to be. I…okay…this is the crazy part and I swear I have been thinking this through day in and day out for the last week. I want to marry him. I barely know him but I know who he is. I…”

“You want to marry him?” Chris repeated slowly in clarification.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because, he feels like home. Because he’s the only person who I’ve ever put my walls down for. Ever. Because he terrifies me but I don’t mind it; I trust him. Because he’s what I realized I’ve been looking for my whole life. Turns out I was looking in the wrong places. Happiness doesn’t depend on a high profile job. It means so much more when you have the respect of people who truly care about you and Jared’s teaching me to live that way. I want to live like that forever. I’ll rework everything and change everything. But I want to do it with him and I want him to know I’m never going to leave.”

“Whoa,” Chris sighed as he digested the weight of Jensen’s words. “I’ve never been married before, so I can’t help you out much on that front but I can tell you people have gotten married for less. What you said? Those sound like some pretty good reasons to me. Plus, that man’s given you a personality. If it took meeting him to make you  _you_ , then who am I to say it’s crazy to want to marry him? He’s just as into you as you are into him.”

“Wait, what? How do you know that?” Jensen choked on his mouthful of beer.

“It’s obvious. Maybe not to you, but I saw the way he eyed me up when we met. It was like he wasn’t going to let anyone or thing he deemed ‘bad’ near you. It’s sweet really. I know you’ve barely known the guy a month but…whirlwind love stories happen, don’t they?”

“I guess.” Jensen bit his lip. He supposed the odds of that happening were slim to none but so was bumping into a man like Jared by chance and getting folded into his world.

Jensen was playing by different rules now and none of them stated that there was anything wrong with wanting to marry Jared after less than a month together.

***

By the time Jensen had taken out his nervous jitters walking around the city, the sun was starting to set. He still felt like he was losing his mind but the fact that Chris didn’t think it was all that weird settled him. Yes, Chris was just one person but it was the only person he had who gave the sliver of a concern to him. Though, lately, he was thinking it was more than a sliver. Chris had his back, always. He was a good person and a better friend than Jensen had been. He was going to fix that. He really was. But first he was going to do the craziest thing he’d ever done.

Before he lost his nerve, he was going to ask Jared to marry him. He hadn’t bought a ring and he wasn’t going to make a big thing of it because he knew Jared wouldn’t be the type to want a big fuss. Jared definitely wouldn’t want the type of ring Jensen thought meant that you loved someone, the type that cost months’ worth of paychecks. If anything, Jared would think Jensen had learned nothing.

So Jensen was forgoing the ring. He was going with plain old stripped away rawness.

He was willing to put his heart on the chopping block and had no idea if Jared would make it stop beating. He wanted the man to say yes but he knew there was a hesitance in Jared. He’d seen it. Jared had rules one had to follow and their rule was that their relationship lasted till the end of November. Jensen wasn’t sure how the man would take to the suggestion that they make their relationship permanent.

Walking into the apartment, Jensen heard the sound of Jared’s rock music pumping through the room. Along with it came the smell of something cooking and Jensen realized he hadn’t had so many home cooked meals, or ones prepared with care, as he had in the last month. They were things that took time, rather than rushed necessities for survival. Sneaking up to the stove, Jensen grabbed Jared around the waist, delighting in the jump of surprise the man gave. "Hey, stranger.”

“Hey you." Jared dropped the rest of the food into the pan and turned to face Jensen. Pressing his body up against Jensen’s in greeting, he leaned in and kissed his neck. "Miss me?"

"Mmm Hmm" Jensen let his head loll back to give Jared room to kiss and suck. “You specifically told me to think about your ass all day. I thought about a bunch of other things but…your ass was definitely on the top of the list.” To prove his point, Jensen slid his hands down Jared’s back and tucked them into the seat pockets of Jared’s jeans. Giving each firm globe a squeeze, he let out a content sigh.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Jensen shivered at the heat in Jared’s words. He arched his neck and moaned at the way Jared teased him. “Missed your ass. Missed you too.”

"Me too." Jared reached one hand behind Jensen's neck to force him to make eye contact. Smiling, he licked his lips once before kissing Jensen, needing to remind himself of what the man did to him. He hadn’t meant to be gone all day but he had to get out and clear his head. Yet, it didn’t do much when Jensen came right back into his world and clouded all his senses with “Jensen” and “want”.

Jensen in turn let out a small moan and pulled Jared backward with him. He eventually bumped into the table and he scooted on top of it, pulling Jared with him. Jensen hadn’t remembered the last time he was simply happy with touching and kissing. He imagined it must have been when he was in high school. With Jared, the magic of kissing and being physically close was back and he couldn’t get enough of getting tangled up with each other.

Just as Jensen started to work Jared's lips open to deepen the kiss, the man froze and pulled upright.

"Oh, the food!" Jared jumped to his feet to flip the fish he had plopped into the pan earlier. He growled when he revealed that it was now blackened on one side. "Oh well." Jared sighed and wiped his brow. He’d bought extra filets, he could put up another batch. He assumed Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t mind having burnt fish for dinner.

Jensen laughed at the adorable pout on Jared’s face as the man tried to figure out how to salvage dinner. Scratching at the back of his head, he got off the table. "Hey, Jared?"

"Hmm?”

"So, I’ve been thinking…and  _thinking_  some more. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out." Jensen inched up so that he was close to Jared's left side. His stomach was a ball of knots. He had so many plans for how this moment would go and none of them were like this. "Marry me."

"Ha ha, very cute, Jensen." Jared narrowed his eyes at Jensen. It wasn’t very cute at all. In fact, it was torturous to hear those words on Jensen’s lips. Love and marriage were not laughing matters and he had no idea what Jensen’s game was. Fortifying his walls, he turned back to the food, plopping another fish into the pan an expertly not looking Jensen directly in the eye.

"I'm not kidding. Marry Me."

The words hit Jared in the face and he froze. Swallowing thickly, his skimmed through answers that could possibly get him out of this mess. He felt like his world was spinning. "You know I can't do that." Shutting off the gas, Jared faced Jensen with a sad sigh.

"Why not?"

"Well then I wouldn't be able to help more people like you. It’s what I live for, remember? And I’m sure you wouldn’t like your spouse sleeping with a different person every month."

“Stop making everything a joke. Stop acting like you don’t care.” Jensen plowed forward, trying to peel away whatever defenses Jared was hiding behind but coming up empty. "Come on Jared, marry me. I love you. I can’t imagine what my world would be like without you. It’s like there would be no me anymore. Marry me?" Jensen grabbed Jared by the shoulders and forced him to keep up the eyecontact and read the look of complete devotion on his face.

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough. I know I want to know more.”

"Jensen, this isn’t a game. I said  _no_. Besides, I wouldn't be able to put up with all your watches, T.V. watching and cell phones. You know I hate them." Jared cocked his head towards Jensen and gestured to his watch. “It’s been fun but it couldn’t work. We’d kill each other.” The words hurt like hell as they left his mouth and he cringed, mentally and physically. He felt like crying but managed to hide it with a snort of indifference.

Jensen opened one of the cabinet doors and pulled out his well- hidden cell phone. "See this?" Jensen held the phone over a sink full of soapy water. "Goodbye" He dropped the phone into the water, a few bubbles flying into the air. "See this?" This time Jensen took off his watch and hung it in front of Jared's eyes. "Bye" He tossed it into the sink to join the phone. "I don’t care about those things. I swear. I don’t. Now will you marry me?"

Jared had to laugh, Jensen just looked so cute. Crumpling into Jensen’s arms, he let himself sob. He didn’t care if he was looking like a complete maniac. Clutching onto Jensen, he hid his face in his neck and spoke with soft words. He allowed himself to let out some form of truth, regardless of how small it was when held against Jensen’s marriage proposal. It was barely in inaudible whisper, “I love you.” The way Jensen held him closer was enough of a clue that he’d probably heard the utterance, making Jared curse himself for being so weak. He started this whole month with the intention of helping Jensen, not destroy him. His love? It couldn’t help Jensen. It couldn’t help anyone. “Jensen I  _can't_. I'm sorry." He pulled away and looked at Jensen with a tear streaked face. “I can’t,”

“Jared, what?” Searching Jared’s face, Jensen tried to deduce what was going on. Those were definitely not happy tears on Jared’s face. He hadn’t been confident that Jared would say yes to his marriage proposal but he didn’t think he would hit a raw nerve. Whatever Jared was wadding through was deep and long standing. It spoke of the need for time and understanding. All of which Jensen was willing to give. He’d give anything and hoped Jared knew that.

“I can’t, Jen.”

"Okay, Jare. Okay.” He kissed each tortured looking eye. “Will you at least think about it?" Jensen pleaded, thumbs swiping over Jared’s face and wiping away tears.

It took a moment for Jared to let out a deep breath and compose himself. When he did, he chose to go with a jovial mask to hide the conflict he was trying to figure out. "Will you shut up if I say yes?" Jared cocked his head to one side.

"Maybe."

"Then yes, I’ll think about it." Jared sighed. He was pretty sure it was all he was going to be able to think about for a long time.

***

Jared tossed to the side, his eyes now clear of sleep. It was still dark outside but there was enough light to make out Jensen's sleeping form. Turning over onto his hip, Jared watched the older man sleep. He imagined Jensen was exhausted, mentally and physically. It took a lot of guts to do what Jensen had done that evening. Jared’s heart was in knots over how he handled the man’s proposal. It made it certain that even after their slow bout of lovemaking, Jared could not be able to find stillness. Everything in his head was still screaming at him to run or do something. Instead, he hid. He hid behinds moans and pleasure. Hid behind the way he kissed Jensen and tucked their bodies so close together that it was easy to forget that it couldn’t always be that way. He held onto Jensen until he felt the man’s body go slack in a clear sign of sleep. Hoping maybe he could follow suit, he kept his eyes closed and his face buried in the comforting warmth of Jensen’s neck. Only now, he was getting restless. Rolling out of bed, careful not to wake Jensen, he trotted across the room to retrieve his jeans, shirt and scarf. After quickly scribbling a note to Jensen but hoping he’d be back before the man even woke up to read it, he descended to Misha's apartment. His feet hit the stairs gently as he made his way to his friend's apartment. With a gentle rapping on the door, he waited for Misha to answer. He could have just burst inside but tonight felt like the type of night where he needed to ask for friendship rather than take it.

When Misha answered the door, dressed in a pair of loose gray cotton pants and tank top, he was scratching at the back of his neck and sporting pretty impressive bed head.

Jared looked at him meekly. "I couldn't sleep. Want to go for a walk?" Eyes shining bright with hopefulness, Jared hoped that his plea broke through the darkness.

Misha nodded his silent acceptance. He slipped back into his apartment and grabbed a pair of shoes, pulling them on while he grumbled, "so, what happened this time, Jared?" Misha stood upright and held out his arm, prepared for when Jared latched onto it.

"What makes you say that?" Jared tucked himself slightly against Misha, somehow managing to look small against the shorter man, as they started to walk down the street.

"Because every time you come knocking at my door looking like  _that_ , something is wrong." Misha tilted his head up and gazed at the lightening sky.

"He asked me to marry him." Jared looked up towards the sky as well, his hair falling into his eyes.

"Ohh." Misha pushed a lock of Jared's hair behind his ear as he spoke. "Well, plenty of people have asked you that."

"Yeah, I know. But this time was different. This time I almost said yes. This time I  _really_ wanted to say yes. He doesn’t deserve me to say yes." Jared looked back down at his feet, ashamed.

"Well that’s certainly unlike you. What’s so different about him?" Misha pulled Jared closer still.

"Everything, and nothing…..I can't put it into words. I forget myself when I’m with him." Jared stopped walking and flopped down into a bench, dragging the shorter man with him. “I fucking love him. I let myself fall in love with him. I am such a stupid asshole.” He hit himself in the forehead with the heel of his hand.

"Do you know what you’re getting yourself into Jared?" Misha let Jared fall apart. He watched him pull his feet up on the bench so that he could hug his knees to his chest.

"Not at all,” Jared choked out.[ **  
**](http://www.livejournal.com/betatest.bml)

 


	9. Chapter 9

Things with Jared had been off since Jensen’s proposal.

On the outside, everything looked exactly the same but Jensen had come to know Jared well enough to see that the smiles the younger man wore were nothing but a mask to hide something darker. It wasn’t that he thought Jared was a liar, but there was something building that maybe Jared didn’t fully understand himself.

It was unsettling for Jensen to see Jared like that. When he met the man, he was a ball of energy and quirks that lit up Jensen’s life in ways he’d never experienced before. Now, that energy was still there but he’d been skittish.

Jensen gave him space. Jared had promised to think about the proposal and Jensen was going to give him time to do that. He knew he must have gotten caught up in the heat of the moment, because asking Jared to marry him was a pretty weighty issue. It wasn’t something to be taken lightly. But just because he got swept away by all the emotions running wildly through his system, that didn’t mean he wasn’t sincere.

He meant it. He couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It was almost debilitating.

To clear his mind, he forced himself to leave a sleepy Jared in bed while he went for a run. He tugged on a mix of clothing that probably originally belonged to god knows who and forced himself to stop looking at Jared’s peacefully parted lips and the way his hair fanned around him like a halo.

Hitting the pavement, he let each footfall take him further away from his problems. The month was drawing to a close and he had to figure out a way to make Jared understand just how serious he was about making their relationship work. It wasn’t a momentary want or desire, though he understood why Jared might be hesitant to believe that.

He understood the danger of hoping for things. He’d learned that mistake a long time ago when he was an orphan boy hoping for a family that would never come. There were false promises made to him. It taught him to toughen up and stop believing in miracles.

Now, as he rounded the corner, he thought maybe that was a mistake. Jared was a miracle in some respects, as if he was sent to save Jensen from getting lost in the shuffle.

After building up a sweat but doing little to stop his brain from getting completely hooked on Jared, he’d made his way back to the apartment and jogged up the steps to Jared’s floor.

Upon entering, Juliet came slipping across the floor, claws clicking, ears flapping, and sat down at his feet.

“Hi, girl.” Sitting at the kitchen table, Jensen patted his lap, indicating for the small puppy to jump up. She did so with a happy yip and curled into a small ball, resting her muzzle on Jensen’s lap. Jensen scratched her head while scanning the apartment. Not only was Jared missing, but Romeo as well. The other pup wasn’t often far behind his sister, usually the greedier of the two when it came to getting scratched behind the ears. Unless the two of them were sectioned off in the area Jared used for previous dogs he had fostered, they were clamoring for attention. Clicking his tongue, Jensen called for Romeo but he was nowhere to be found. With growing concern, he took Juliet in his arms and physically searched the apartment, double checking each of Romeo's usual hiding spaces. All his searches were fruitless. Just as Jensen was about to open the door and search the stairwell leading down from the apartment, it opened for him, revealing Jared.

Though his eyes looked tired, Jared’s face seemed happy enough. He scratched at the back of his head, eyes widened as he came face to face with Jensen. His oversized sweater hung off his frame, and while it seemed like an unconventional clothing choice, Jensen felt like it suited Jared. As did the worn, ripped pair of jeans. "Morning." Jared kissed Jensen on the cheek as he walked past him.

“Morning.” Jensen turned his head so that Jared’s lips traveled from his cheek to his lips. "Um, Jared, Romeo is missing, I was just going to look for him."

Shaking his head reassuringly, Jared laughed. "No, he's not missing." Taking Juliet from Jensen, Jared ruffled the puppy’s fur and nuzzled her. "I gave him to a nice woman who lives down the street. She’s got two daughters and I think they have more than enough energy to keep up with Romeo."

Jensen cocked his head in disbelief. "You  _what_? You loved that dog."

"Yes, I know, that’s exactly why I had to give him away. Can't keep a dog for more than three months; that’s the rule, anyways. So I didn't want do get too attached. Besides, now he has a good home. A home with little girls who need him."

The rules Jared always lived by baffled Jensen. He couldn’t see the harm in keeping a couple of puppies who Jared obviously loved. They were also the very reasons why Jensen had ended up in the apartment for the first time. "Well, at least we still have Juliet."

Jared bit his lip. He’d caught the way Jensen had said “we” and didn’t know what to do with that. The truth was, he loved Romeo and Juliet, just as he loved every dog he fostered or rescued. But Jensen also loved the dogs, it was obvious by the concern in his eyes when he thought Romeo was missing. But the rules were the rules and he couldn’t let highly adoptable puppies get attached to him and then subject them to the certainty of finding other guardians after him. "Well, we have her for a few more minutes."

"What do you mean by  _that_?" Jensen reached out to take Juliet but Jared sidestepped him.

"A man is coming by Misha's to pick her up. I promised him that he could have her. He’s a perfect fit. He and his wife have an apartment and can’t have dogs over twenty pounds. I know it is going to be hard for her to be without Romeo but I figured they better get used to it now."

Jensen put a hand to his head and sighed. "I’ll never understand you."

"That is the beauty of me." Jared gave a dimpled smile. "Anyway, Misha has a new collar for her, a sort of parting gift if you will. He said he’d drop her off for me. I just…I  _can’t_. Saying goodbye to Romeo was hard enough.” He softened his smile to a more persuasive one. “Would you go down and give him Juliet for me? Please?" Jared nuzzled Juliet one last time and then held her out to Jensen.

Looking at the wiggling puppy in Jared’s arms, Jensen’s heart tightened. She looked needy and adorable and Jensen was torn about handing her off to Misha with the knowledge that he’d never see her again. While he knew Jared would never leave Juliet with an unworthy home, it still hurt. "Do you enjoy torturing me?"

"I live for it," Jared said a little too quickly, the waver to his smile going unnoticed by Jensen.

Sighing, Jensen took the puppy and did as Jared asked.

As soon as Jensen had left the apartment, Jared dashed towards the bathroom. He fiddled with a small key on his key ring and jammed it in the locked wall cabinet. Hands shaking, he thumbed through the bottles of pills, selecting one and downing several pills in one gulp. He quickly hid the pill bottle from sight and hunched over in his chair. He cursed at the appearance of small twinges of pain, getting consecutively larger, running through his body, pulsing into his head and limbs. Letting out a cry, he tried to curl into a ball. In a spastic movement, an involuntary shutter caused him to fall off the chair and land harshly on the wood floor. He fought through it enough to notice the exact moment Jensen reentered the room and threw himself into damage control. “Jen, I…”

"Jared! What happened?" Jensen dashed over to the shuddering heap on the floor. His heart clenched and a jolt of adrenaline ran through him and he scanned the room wildly. Nothing fit. Jared was the one who had it all together, and seeing him barely able to talk was wrong. It was even more unsettling to see Jared’s large frame sprawled out on the bathroom floor, struggling to get onto his knees and crawl across the floor.

"Nothing, I'm fine." Jared waved Jensen off and managed to get back into the chair. Hugging his frame, he tried to stand only to collapse back into the chair. His eyes burned and his throat tightened with the strain to hold back tears.

"Bull shit! Your face is beet red, and you’re,” Jensen ran his fingers over Jared’s cheek, “crying! Something happened." Instinct made Jensen try to get his hands on Jared to search out the cause of his distress but Jared ducked out of reach and continued to brush Jensen off.

"I miss Juliet, that's all." Jared's eyes were sunken in, and his coloration was pale, save the flush that spread across his cheeks.

Look softening, Jensen sighed. “Aww, Jay…It’s okay. I can still get her if you want. I’m sure she is still at Misha's. You know…no one is forcing you to get rid of her."

"No! Leave her! She  _has_  to go with them." As desperate as he was to make sure Juliet was safe from the threat of homelessness, Jared was overcome with pain. He yelped and grabbed his head with both hands. His eyes flicked towards the medicine cabinet. “I just need a…a minute, Jen. Just…one.”

Jensen caught Jared’s gaze and followed it to the locked cabinet. "I don't understand what’s going on." Backing away from Jared, he swallowed. “What are you hiding from me?"

"Nothing.  _I swear_. I just miss the dogs." Jared's voice shook as he stood up, wobbling a bit.

“Why do you keep looking at this?” Standing up, Jensen ran his hands over the cabinet and tried to pull it open. For a moment, he wondered what was inside. Panic made him question just how much he didn’t know about Jared. He could be a drug addict who kept up a loveable persona as a deflection tactic. Pulling the doors more firmly, he felt anger bubbling up in him. “Why do you need a lock on this cabinet? What are you hiding in there?" He fiddled with the cabinet lock and tried to manipulate it open. "You don't need a lock to hide 'nothing,'" Jensen was aware of his voice’s increase in volume as his hands worked furiously at the lock. He tried to keep it in check. Most of his logical brain knew that he shouldn’t jump to conclusions but if Jared needed medical help, then he’d have liked to think the person he’d been sleeping with for the past weeks would have enough trust in Jensen to ask for it. Yanking the door with more force, the contents rattled.

"No, don't, please!" Jared latched onto Jensen's arms in a pathetic attempt to stop him from opening the cabinet. He tried to pull him away but his feet skid along the tiles and almost slipped out from under him.

"All your secrets. All your rules.” Jensen’s mind swirled around the things about Jared that never made sense. “What are you afraid of?" With a sigh of frustration, Jensen punched the cabinet, loosening the door enough.

"Jensen! No!" Jared gave one last weak attempt to unlatch Jensen, but it was fruitless. There were frantic tears spilling over the confines of his eyes and Jared felt like his world was spinning. Now that he’d lost control, he could stop himself. Everything narrowed down to this one moment, so much so that his vision pin-holed and things spiraled out of the control he’d been banking on. Instead of fighting against something he couldn’t stand up against anymore, he pulled the small key out of his pocket and jammed it into the cabinet’s keyhole. Flinging the door open, he revealed the bottles of pills to Jensen for the first time. Standing like a wild animal, his chest rose and fell with every labored breath and his gaze went feral.

Jensen's jaw dropped. There were more pills in that cabinet than he could imagine. It was filled to the brim with them: loose pills, small bottles, large bottles, liquids. There were unmistakable looking prescription bottles with bright white stickers adorning each one. Jensen wondered how many doctors were behind the at home pharmacy he was looking at.

Jared's eyes widened with rage, tears making them glisten in the fluoresce of the bathroom as he shoved himself in front of the pills. His words were envenomed, biting in a well-honed attempt to protect himself. “Is this what you wanted to see?” He screamed at Jensen in accusation. “Is this what you wanted to know?” He reached into the cabinet and disturbed the neatly arranged bottles. “Are you fucking happy now? Does this make you feel better? Knowing I’m sicker than sick?” Jared grabbed a fistful of bottles and hurled them directly at Jensen's chest. “You wanna see my pills? You wanna see what I hide from you? Here! Help yourself.” Jared pitched more pills at Jensen's chest, the bottles spilling onto the floor with small clicks. Jensen tried to duck out of the way but Jared kept flinging bottles, knocking Jensen in the head with several of them.

Jensen clambered to catch as many bottles as he could but he ended up ducking down and grabbing several bottles. Turning them over in his hands, he read their labels: Clafen, Bleomycin, and other names that made no sense to Jensen. He didn’t know what the medication was for but he did recognize that the prescriptions were legit and new enough to have been recently filled.

With one last desperate effort, Jared let out a cry and heaved the rest of the medicines to the ground. In his haste, he yanked the cabinet off the wall, almost falling down. He felt his world closing in and settling on a six letter word that had been haunting him for years. Turning to Jensen, held his arms open, palms facing towards the ceiling in defeat. "This is what I was hiding Jensen.” He kicked the bottles littering the ground. “This is what I didn’t think you needed to see. This is what I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to know that I was dying. But…here you go. Look at how sick and pathetic I am…barely put together by cocktails of pills and drugs!" Jared closed his eyes and let the tears roll over his cheeks. He heard Jensen saying something to him, calling his name, but it all didn't matter anymore. Jensen found out his secret; it was over anyway. It was over.

It was over.

Everything was over. Jared’s chest seized and his voice quivered with the strain to get each word out. "You weren't supposed to find out this way, Jensen. You…" Words dissolving into sobs, Jared’s eyes fluttered back as he tried to keep his weak grip on consciousness.

"Jared!” Jensen fought Jared’s anger with his own screaming. He knew he shouldn't yell. Considering what he was faced with at the current moment, there were more important things that the bruises he wore from learning Jared had been lying to him. He knew he was being shallow but he didn't care. The only thing that mattered in his mind was that he was angry at the present moment and he needed to yell about it. He needed something to be done to right these wrongs. “How could you lie to me, Jared?” After the things Jensen had thought they’d been through, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Blinking his eyes rapidly, he hoped he would wake from this nightmare but all he saw was Jared, red eyed, tear streaked, and struggling to choke down air and looking skinned alive in front of him.

Jared’s breath hitched on a sob and he shook his head in failure. "After all this time…you learned nothing….” Jared stumbled to try and get out of the bathroom. With a thump loud enough to be heard on the level below, he fell to his knees and tried to crawl the rest of the way out. Shivering uncontrollably, his body suddenly lurched forward as he vomited onto the clean white tiles. Jared couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t pretend that everything was fine because he was disproving that statement with every word, every action, and the waves of sickness radiating off of him. He grabbed his stomach as he vomited again, his eyes wide and empty.

Jensen saw the fragile looking man fall to the floor and he stopped yelling. He leapt into action, making it to where Jared fell in a split second so he could crouch down near him. "Jared! What is it? What can I do?” Jensen shook Jared’s shoulders. “Are you listening? Jared!” Jensen heart sped up to the point where he thought it would overheat when Jared didn't show any sign of life. "Jared?" He shook him again. "Jared!?"

Jared wanted to answer but he couldn’t. He was slipping down into something darker and stronger than he was. Gagging, he fell limply into Jensen’s arms.

Jensen rolled Jared over to assess the situation and found that his face looked as if it had been bruised, and his head lolled back unnaturally. Jensen's eyes widened as he made a desperate attempt to gather long limbs and dead weight into his arms. A gasp at the door made Jensen turn his head to find Misha standing there.

"Oh good god, not again!" Misha ran towards Jensen. "Don't just stand there, we need to get him to a hospital."

It took the two of them to get Jared up. The man was out cold and it was slow going but Jensen and Misha managed to shoulder his weight and get him downstairs.

All of Jensen’s senses went out then. He couldn’t hear anything but Jared’s labored breathing or see anything but his sickly coloring. He was aware of Misha yelling at him but it sounded like he was under water.

Jensen’s world was coming undone and he’d only just began to explore it.

***

Jensen sat in the immaculately white waiting room of the hospital, his body slumped in a hard plastic chair. His hands were stuck in his pockets and he was toying with the end of his sweater. No one would tell him anything. His fist throbbed from when he punched a wall in frustration but it didn’t matter. He went ignored. There was radio silence on his end.

Misha on the other hand, seemed to be a key to the whole operation. Doctors flitted in and out of the waiting room talking in hushed tones with the man, pulling him in too many directions for Jensen to keep track of. Misha was filling out forms and providing updated medical histories, things Jensen could never do. It became apparent early on that Misha was Jared’s emergency contact and based on the way Misha took to his responsibilities without batting an eyelash, Jensen assumed this wasn’t a new occurrence. No. Misha had done this before.

That fact made Jensen feel like he was going to throw up. His gut twisted in so many knots that it was painful and his heart broke when he realized just how little legal importance he had in Jared’s life.

As he was studying the pattern of the floor tiles for the twentieth time, Misha swayed over to him, a cup of coffee in each hand. He looked more drained than Jensen had ever seen him.

"Here." Misha shoved a cup in Jensen's face, a small drop of brown liquid splashing to the floor.

Taking the cup and pressing his hands around it so as to warm them, Jensen nodded. "Thanks." He stared down into the liquid, his tired eyes meeting those reflected back at him.

"Don't blame yourself for this." Misha landed in a seat next to Jensen with a loud thud. He kicked one of his legs up onto the chair to the left of him. His head feel back against the wall with the soft thump while continuing to stare straight ahead.

“But…I…I…I yelled at him. I…” Even though it was too hot, Jensen swallowed a mouthful of coffee so as to distract him from letting out a sob.

“Yes, you did. And you shouldn’t have. But he was feeling weak all day. You may have sped things up, but it would have happened anyway.” Misha shrugged.

"How could he hide that from me?" Jensen's head spun with images of pills and he went back to feeling sick. “How could  _you_  hide this from me?”

“Me? You mean, how could I respect my best friend’s wishes?” Misha raised an eyebrow.

Jensen let the words sink in and couldn’t think of a way to debate them. “Well when you put it that way…” Shivering, Jensen was desperate for an answer. He wanted someone to tell him how this could have happened and  _why_  it had to have happened to him. He pressed his fist to his lips in an attempt to stifle a sob.

Misha sighed and rested a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Come on. We need to talk. Plus, you look like you could use a drink. Maybe a warm meal to keep you from passing out. Care to join me at the diner around the corner?” Misha sipped his drink slowly.

"What about Jared?" Jensen's eyes widened in surprise as he watched Misha get to his feet.

"Oh, don't worry about him, he'll be out for hours. He’s exactly where he needs to be and they are doing more for him than either one of us could do. Come on." Without waiting for Jensen's answer, Misha strutted down the hallway.

Blinking at the suddenness of the man’s departure, Jensen felt torn. He didn’t want to leave Jared but he knew he was falling apart. He’d been earning looks from other waiting room occupants. Deciding clearing his mind would be best for all involved, Jensen quickly stood up and chased after Misha.

The diner was close enough that they could walk the distance but it was made awkward by the fact that Misha remained tightlipped the entire way. Everything about his body language spoke of concern lying under the collected demeanor he was trying to pull off. When they slid into a booth at the diner, Misha seemed to be in his own little world. His face was contorted into an unreadable one, blue eyes fixed ahead of him. "He's been having these attacks more often. Every time it's the same thing." Misha skillfully avoided Jensen's eyes.

"He has them often?” How had Jensen not realized that? He knew Jared felt cold sometimes and had headaches but he’d never seen anything rivaling what happened in the bathroom a few hours ago. “What’s wrong with him?"

"Advanced Lymphoma. He's had it for years." Usual witty tone totally drowned out, Misha spoke with a soft seriousness.

Jensen blinked his eyes in disbelief. Lymphoma was a term that set alarms off in his head. Other than knowing it was a blood cancer, he didn’t know anything else about it other than the fact that it was bad. It was one of those diagnoses that was given with hushed tones and looks of pity. He’d always pictured someone with Lymphoma to look weak or frail. Jared was none of those. Yes, he’s known Jared was sick, but he never thought cancer was the problem. "He never got treatment for it?"

"Well he did, two years ago, right after he found out, but it always came back. Whatever they were doing for him, it wasn’t working. The Chemo, the radiation…they were making him sicker. He was a shadow of himself. Eventually, Jared became tired of all the treatments so he stopped them. He figured he would rather live two happy years, without doctors and hospitals, than live five years of agonizing medical procedures. He still takes pills for the pain, but they’re barely helping anymore." Misha leaned back against the cool pleather seats and sighed sadly.

None of those words made sense to Jensen. Jensen lived in a world of causes and effects. If you did step A, then you got to step B. Jared not responding to the Lymphoma treatments didn’t make any sense. That was not how he was raised to think. "No one could help him? I mean…did he try other options? Second opinions?" Jensen tried to catch Misha’s eyes.

"He tried second and third and fourth. He’s…he’s been left untreated for the last two years. They’re monitoring it and managing it but...” Misha looked like finishing the sentence pained him and he blinked away a shine of moisture building in his eyes.

Jensen finished Misha’s thought. “But…no one really knows how far it’s spread since his last treatment, do they?”

“No. Jared’s been out of treatment for a while now. I’m afraid it’s getting to be too late for him, that it spread too far. Besides, he doesn't have the money. His family wrote him off when he decided to stop treatment. They said he was an idiot who was signing his own death sentence. They wiped their hands clean of him years ago. Sprouted some bull shit about how they couldn’t wait around for their heart to get broken as Jared slowly killed himself. He’s…he’s got no one to care for him, save me and Kim. I've taken care of him as much as he’ll let me for the last 5 years." Clearing his throat, Misha looked up at Jensen with guilt written into his features. “I offered him money. Offered him whatever he needed for treatment but he’d got too much pride to accept it. Besides, he says I could do better things with my money than save a dying man who no one will miss.” Misha sighed. “He has no idea how wrong he is about the last part.”

The waitress coming to take their order cut through the emotional nature of the moment. When they’d ordered and she left, there was a moment of feeling lost for Jensen. He couldn’t fathom what life must be like for Jared. “I…I didn’t know,” he said dumbly.

“That was his plan.”

"How could he lie to me?" Jensen's voice hitched. He felt hurt and helpless all at the same time.

This time, Misha looked Jensen directly in the eye. His usual tone and wit came back to him. "Easy. He doesn't want to be treated like a sick person. He wants to live his life; he pretends that nothing is wrong. Jensen, don't you notice all his rules and regulations? He makes them all up so that he feels powerful. He feels like he’s in control of his life." Misha let out a huff of air as he ran one hand through his hair and pushed it back. “He’s spiraling out of control and searching desperately for one way to play god over his own world. He makes his own rules so as to come to terms with the fact that he’s dying but he’s doing it to his own stipulations.”

"I never thought of it that way." Upon hearing Misha’s words, it was easy to pinpoint exactly what he was talking about. Jared’s rules and rigid standards didn’t seem to mesh well with Jared’s true personality, the one Jensen had come to love over the month.

"Hate to be blunt, but…you’ve never topped during sex, have you?”

Choking on a sip of water, Jensen almost spit it across the table. He had no idea why he was so surprised that Misha knew so much about their sex life. A blush rushing to his cheeks, he looked at the table and nodded. “No, I haven’t.”

“I would have been surprised if you had. He’s…well….since he got sick, I don’t think he’s ever bottomed. Between you and me, I think he does it all to feel like he’s in charge. It’s another way for him to play god for a bit and determine what will happen to him. Don’t get me wrong, Jared’s not a megalomaniac but I think he needs to remember he has power over things in his life. He started helping people like yourself so that he could have more power, so he could help people before it was too late for them. Do you realize that he never gets attached to anything for more than a month? He’s afraid of dying, he is afraid of getting too attached to something and then leaving them. He doesn’t want to ruin anyone and hurt them."

Realization smacked Jensen in the head. "So  _that’s_  why he got rid of Romeo and Juliet. Shit, I’m an idiot.”

"You’re not an idiot. You just…you are still figuring things out.” Misha took a long sip of his fresh cup of coffee. “You really hurt him just as he was starting to open up to you. And what did you do to him? You screamed at him.” Misha slipped into defensive best friend mode and narrowed his eyes at Jensen. “He was going to tell you!” He pointed an accusatory finger at Jensen. “He never tells anyone!"

"I didn't realize, I didn't mean it...." Jensen tried to sink into the seat, ashamed of the way he acted. Memories of the desperate look of hurt on Jared’s face helped to twist the knife of guilt in his heart.

"No, you didn't did you! You destroyed everything that Jared tried to teach you." Misha slammed his empty coffee cup down. “God knows why but that man in there,” he pointed in the vague direction of the hospital, “loves you. And I promised him I would do everything I could to make his life comfortable, and if you’re what does that right now, then so be it. You’re not a bad guy. I know that. But…he’s my best friend and…You really fucked up this time." Misha stated bluntly as he closed his eyes to clear his head. “He’s done a lot of things you don’t understand, but he has reasons. Give him that. He’s lost a lot more than you can understand. You chastising him for it? He…he can’t…”

There was pain in Misha’s words and it brought terrifying ideas to the forefront of Jensen’s brain. He couldn’t help himself from asking, “how long does he have?”

“I don’t know. They gave him two years.” Misha pinched the bridge of his nose. “That was three years ago. Since then, he’s told every doctor he’s seen that he doesn’t want to know. It’s one of his  _rules_. He’d rather live every day without feeling like it’s one giant count down.” He shrugged and let his palms fall to the table.

Jensen reached out a hand and placed it over the one Misha had resting on the table. The more he and Misha got to know each other, the more he realized they had in common. They both worked in the advertising field, they both had Jared’s best interests at heart and they were both fiercely protective of anyone who would threaten Jared’s happiness. “Thank you, Misha.”

Giving Jensen an understanding look, Misha let his anger dissipate. He placed his other hand over Jensen’s knuckles and patted it reassuringly.

They ate the rest of their meal in silence, only it wasn’t awkward. It was somewhat reassuring since each other knew the other was feeling just as nervous as he was.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Misha creaked open the door to Jared's room, being as quiet as possible even though it really wasn't necessary. Jared was sunken into the hospital bed, looking like a prisoner under all the monitors and I.V. tubes. Nothing about Jared spoke as to who he was, all personality and charm stripped away by a plain paper gown, making him look sicker. His body looked abused and cold, as impersonal as the monitors surrounding him that were making blipping sounds like clockwork. Misha sat in a chair next to Jared's bed but then quickly got up onto his knees. "Look at what you're doing to yourself Jared." He let his face fall into the blanket near Jared's hip. "I yelled at him for you. So don't worry, you won't have to do that when you wake up. That man…he loves you. He’s an asshole for yelling at you and maybe you are an asshole for lying to him.” Misha's hand snaked up the bed and gently put pressure on one of Jared's knees. "Look what you're doing. Look how many people need you."

***

Jensen had kept up a seated vigil outside of Jared’s room that no one dared interrupt. Misha had been in Jared's room for several hours and there was something about the worried look in Misha’s eyes that let Jensen know he shouldn’t push it. Besides, considering the things he’d said to Jared before the man passed out, Jensen doubted he’d want Jensen anywhere near him.

Kim poked her head around the hallway and zeroed in on Jensen. Walking briskly, she took a tentative seat beside him. “Hey.”

Jensen looked in her direction and didn’t have the energy to do more than let out a heavy sigh.

“How you doin’?” Kim wore a sad smile as her hand patted Jensen’s knee. When she was met with silence, she tried another tactic. “How’s  _he_  doing?”

“I don’t know. He’s…he’s sleeping. I,” he threw his hands up in the air, brows furrowed as he found himself at a loss for words. There was no way Kim, a woman he’d known for only a week, could understand what he was going through. Sure, maybe she’d accompanied Misha to visit Jared on some of his previous hospital stays. And, yes, she was Jared’s friend too. But the guilt was burning through Jensen and he wasn’t sure how anyone could understand that.

“Have you been in to see him?”

“No…I…I’m good here. You know? I don’t know if he’d want me in there or to open his eyes to see my face.”

“Oh, Jensen.  _Of course_  he’d want to see you.” Kim sighed sympathetically. “Jared hates when people keep secrets from him. He’s not that much of a hypocrite to hold the fact that you’d gotten mad at him against you.”

“You think?”

“I do.”

Both of them startled when Jared’s hospital room door opened. Misha ducked out, relief starting to take hold of all his features. “He’s awake. I’m sure doctors are going to want to check him out and that they’re going to keep him over night. He isn’t happy about it, but he promised to back down, this once.” He pointed a finger at Jensen. “He’s asking for you.”

Taking the hint, Kim got to her feet and pulled Misha by the elbow. “Come on, you.” She flashed Jensen a farewell smile and started to drag Misha down the hall, towards the exit.

Jensen hopped up at the news of Jared’s consciousness, suddenly unsure how to make his limbs work now that they had something important to do. Heart hammering in his chest, he hesitated with his hand on the door to the room, terrified as to what he’d find inside. He wasn’t ready to come to terms with Jared being sick. Before, it was a solitary incident and words from Misha’s mouth. After he opened that door, it would be realer than ever. He opened the door slightly and peeked at Jared's face. Though the man was obviously awake, blinking expectantly at the door, he looked a breath away from passing out. Jensen stepped into the room, closing the door behind him, and took a seat next to the bed.

"Hey, stranger." Jared's soft voice filled the room.

"Hey, you." Jensen grabbed one of Jared's hands and nuzzled it against his cheek. There was an I.V. port on his wrist and Jensen was careful when he flipped the hand over and dropped a small kiss onto his palm. There were so many things he could say and a million more that he needed to say but all he could manage was, "I'm so sorry."

“I know you are.” Jared’s voice sounded hoarse and unsteady. He wished he knew the perfect words to help everything make sense for Jensen but no one, save Misha, seemed to understand why he did what he did. “I didn’t mean for you to find out.”

“Why?” Jensen’s voice cracked. “Do you think I’d leave you?”

“You want the truth?”

“Yeah.”

Jared weighed his potential responses, all of them a little too dense for him to deal with at the current moment. “When we first started this whole project? Yes. You would have left me. I’m positive. Now? I don’t know. But I didn’t want you to have to make that decision. I…I didn’t want you to see me as sick.”

“Jare, you’re…you are sick. But…you’re still you. I’m not leaving.” Jensen kissed Jared’s palm again, letting his lips linger there. He felt Jared’s fingers twitch and find their way towards his hairline so they could scratch lovingly at Jensen’s scalp.

“You better not leave. We still have more than a week.” Jared tried to smile but he was too weak for it to reach his eyes.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” Jensen breathed out.

“I’m sorry I lied.”

“Yeah, well,” Jensen forced a soft laugh. “You’re going to have to make it up to me.”

Jared didn't say anything as he looked down at his hand in Jensen’s hold. He didn’t want to be here anymore. The room held too many unanswered questions, too much sickness, and too much sterility to make him feel like he was his own person. Pulling his hand away, he placed it on his lap and picked at the I.V. with his other. "Get me out of here." With a grimace on his face, Jared yanked the I.V. out and tossed it to the ground. The sound of his heart speeding up drowned out his hearing and he knew there was going to be a fight, from someone else if not Jensen. There had been a promise made before Misha left but he couldn’t let the hospital pump him full of toxins. It didn’t matter. They were trying to save him but they shouldn’t waste their time. He’d come to terms with his lot in life and was making the best of it. He didn’t need false hope poisoning the peace he’d made with his limited time on earth. Suddenly frantic, he tugged and pulled various other devices off his body and attempted to get up. Long, lanky limbs acting like an old doll, he failed every time he tried to sit upright. Swallowing, he looked at Jensen with pleading eyes.

Logic told Jensen that he should call for a nurse but his heart told him that keeping Jared in the hospital was killing his spirit. If Jared was going to refuse treatment, then Jensen didn’t see why he couldn’t do so at home. "Hey, take it easy, I got you." Jensen slid one arm behind Jared's shoulders and another around his waist. When he was sure he had a firm grip on the man, he lifted him so that he sat upright and pulled him close to his body.

Jared immediately threw his arms around Jensen's neck for more support and he leaned his cheek on Jensen's shoulder. “You shouldn’t see any of this.” Choking on a sob, Jared tried to hide himself in the crook of Jensen’s neck. He knew what Jensen had seen and learned could not be forgotten and he mourned the loss of his health in Jensen’s brain. Weakness made him ask for what he wanted. "Let’s go home Jensen, please?" Home. Not  _his_  apartment. Just  _home_.

Jensen nodded in response.

***

By the time Jensen arrived back at the apartment, Jared was in a trance-like state. His arms returned to being vice-like around Jensen when he tried to shoulder as much of Jared’s weight as possible while they ascended the stairs to the apartment. It was slow going but Jensen didn’t care. His life, once about deadlines, speed, and perfection, had no agenda more important than letting Jared find his way. He had all day.

Before Jensen even got to the door, Misha and Kim opened it for him.

"Here, let me take him." Misha moved forward with so much intensity that Jensen found himself obeying and passing Jared to Misha. Misha caught one of Jared's arms around his neck and supported him Jared’s back while Kim braced Jared on the other side, earning herself one of Jared’s arms around her neck as she helped support him. Still in the hospital gown, Jared looked smaller than his tall frame, leaving everyone unnerved by the way in which his lightness passed between people too easily.

”Hey, darling." Misha smiled at Jared, whose tired head lolled onto his shoulder. "Aren't you looking beautiful."

Jared let out an almost inaudible snort.

"Paper is very becoming on you, Jared.” Kim pushed Jared’s hair out of his face and smiled. “Don’t worry. You’re home. We’re going to take care of you, right Mish?”

“Of course we are. Not that Jared needs much taking care of. But maybe a nice bath to help you relax, hmm?”

Jensen watched Jared nod against Misha’s shoulder. There was something in the way Kim and Misha interacted with Jared that denoted familiarity. It made Jensen freeze in his tracks, feeling like an outsider, more than he’d ever felt before.

Kim kicked the door to the bathroom open. Keeping her voice soft and sing-songy, she carried on her conversation. “And we have a lovely dinner menu for you tonight. What’s on the menu tonight Misha?" Together, Kim and Misha helped Jared towards the bathroom where they had a warm bath waiting.

"Well, some Codeine to start." Misha tried to keep the tone happy but his voice cracked for a moment. He hid it with a smile and licked his lips.

"And a beautiful dessert platter of pills." Kim added as they made it to the center of the bathroom and set Jared down on the edge of the tub so as to remove his paper gown. Neither Kim nor Misha seemed uncomfortable in the situation, too focused on the task at hand.

Jensen wanted to help but he had no idea what to do, in fact, his brain didn't even seem to be working. Pieces of his heart felt like they were breaking, hurting so badly that he finally understood why Jared had kept this part of him locked away. It was like he’d been gutted and felt the pain of his world falling down, all the worse because of the pain he saw spread across Jared’s face as Misha manipulated his arms to rid him of the gown. The man gasped and Jensen closed his eyes against it.

Now nude, Jared let Misha help him climb into the warm water, sinking down into it. He sighed when Kim gently poured water over his head and chest. If only the water wasn’t translucent; he could disappear from sight and reemerge when he was well enough to handle on the situation. He hadn’t had an attack like this one since well before he’d met Jensen and he supposed he was due for one. All good things had to come to an end, even the manageable pain he’d been blessed with during most of November. Things had to end. The more they dragged on, the worse the hurt would be when the choice to end things was taken from Jared. Grabbing Misha by the collar of his shirt, he tugged it gently enough to signal the man to lean closer. "I don't want him here." Jared moved his eyes over to Jensen standing in the bathroom doorframe. Even though his words were a whisper, they were filled with hurt, a sob bubbling out of his throat by the time he’d gotten his sentence out.

Misha nodded and kissed the top of Jared’s head. “You sure?”

Jared wasn’t sure. He wanted Jensen. He wanted him to stay and kiss the hurt away. He wanted to believe, as Jensen did, that doctors and money could make the sickness leave, which is exactly why he needed Jensen to go. “I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Getting to his feet, Misha turned sad, pleading eyes on Jensen. “Listen, Jensen, he…he wants you to leave." Misha put a hand on each of Jensen’s shoulders. “He doesn’t know what he’s saying right now. He’s almost delirious with pain. But…he wants you gone. I know how much you want to stay…but…” Misha let his words trail off as he tried to push Jensen backwards and out of the room.

Squaring his stance, Jensen shoved Misha, pushing the shorter man off. "Why? I can't just stand here and do nothing." Anger rolled through him and his lip twitched.

"That’s exactly why he wants you to leave.”

Jensen pushed into the room and got down on his knees near Jared. “Jared, please. I can help you. Let me help you. I have connections. People I know, doctors you can see. I…I can take care of you. We can get you better treatment.  _New_  treatment.”

Jared heard the desperation in Jensen’s voice and it destroyed him. He sobbed louder and tried to hide his face, twisting so that he couldn’t see if the pain in Jensen’s eyes matched the one in his words. “Go, Jensen. Please. I can’t…” He coughed as his breathing went ragged from letting crying take over.

Jensen wanted to plead more. He did have connections, ones Jared didn’t know about. His company had been in charge of charity campaigns for world renowned cancer treatment organizations. And he had money, maybe not enough to cover everything but it was enough. He’d had no one to spend his money on for years and he’d been saving it for something important.  _This_  – Jared – was a good reason to drain his bank accounts dry.

Misha’s hands were back on his shoulder, pushing him towards the door again. “I know you think you’re helping, but not now, Jensen. Not now.” When Jensen didn’t put up a fight, he managed to get him outside the bathroom. “He doesn't need you assailing him with information about his disease and he doesn't want you to see him like this. So please, just leave. Understand. It’s ‘cause he loves you." Misha gave a sad smile. “We’re going to take care of him. But…I think it’s better you leave right now.”

Jensen nodded, voice cracking when he asked, “you promise you’ll take care of him?”

“We always do.” Things kicked into fast motion when Jared cried louder and Misha jolted. With a conflicted look, he slammed the door shut, locking it as if he could hide what was going on behind it from Jensen.

While it might be hidden from view, Jensen could hear the murmurs, the comforting and tears. He wished he was able to do something. He wished he was strong enough to assert his place, if he even had one anymore. Screwing his face up in emotional anguish, he punched the wall beside the bathroom door, re-splitting the wounds on his knuckles that had healed weeks ago. "Damn it!"

Alone, he realized he was free of his November contract, something he’d sworn he would be happy about when he first started this journey. He was finally free to use his cell phone and go back to his apartment. The only problem was, he didn’t want to go. Not one bit.

Instead, his brain was calculating all the ways he could make Jared’s world, and everything in it, part of his world.

It was going to be the biggest job he’d ever undertaken and the only one he’d ever cared about for personal reasons.

***

Jensen’s apartment felt foreign to him, like he didn’t belong there.

In a lot of ways, he supposed he didn’t. If someone had told him last month that he would change so quickly in the course of three weeks, he wouldn’t have believed them. Now, he stood in a room tailor made for a different man, a man who wasn’t him anymore.

It was an alien thought to feel like he was a trespasser in his own world.

Snorting, he realized that there was very little he cared about in the apartment. All of the clothing he’d smuggled over to Jared’s apartment had been stolen by the younger man and given away to charity.

He collapsed onto the couch, putting his head in his hands.

Nothing fit.

He remembered feeling like this once before, when a smiling lady told him that his parents had died, asking him if he understood what that meant. He’d nodded yes but what he didn’t tell her was that he understood the words but he didn’t understand what that meant for him. He didn’t understand that he’d be ripped out of his world, making the loss of his parents feel like he was thrown into a widening gyre that would tear him apart.

He survived it, just like he knew he would physically survive it again. Emotionally? He’d be dead. His heart would keep beating but he’d be a hollow shell. He’d be left to keep breathing but he worried over whether or not Jared would have the opportunity to choose that fate.

When he was still a kid, he would listen and sing along to the music, playing his favorite 45’s on the little record player his parents bought him on his fourth birthday. Of course, he didn’t sing them out loud, his own words to the song were all in his head. As crazy as that sounded, it would make him feel better and it let him carry his secret songs with him where ever he went.

As if in a daze, he stood up and shuffled across the floor to the large closet. Yanking it open, he bent down, shoving boxes out of the way and coming away with a box labeled “record player.”

Coming back to the couch, he lifted the box top in slow motion and stared at the record player he’d unveiled.

The device wasn’t the one his parents had bought him; he’d lost that when he was plopped into a foster home with only a suitcase of clothing. It was, however, the same model. Jensen had bought it with his first paycheck. At the time, the purchase had confused Jensen. Though he never felt particularly sentimental, he knew that the reasons he bought it was far more than wanting to use it. It was reason heavy with emotions he didn’t know what to do with.

Setting the player up, he gently placed a Beatles album in place and settled the needle at random. When the machine came to life, the middle of “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” sputtered to life.

For a while, Jensen found himself transfixed on the way the record spun and the cyclical nature of the movement calmed him. To say he was numb was an understatement.

Though he was looking at the black vinyl spin, Jensen saw something else entirely. All he could focus on were thoughts of Jared’s smile, the way his dimples really and truly popped when there was genuine emotions behind the smile. There had been so many signs that something was off with Jared but Jensen hadn’t picked up on any of them as being serious enough to warrant concern. He felt like he was spinning out of control right along with the record because waves of memories kept crashing into him, reminding him of the way Jared laughed, the way he kissed, and the way he always stuck his cold feet between Jensen’s calves. All wrapped into one being, those memories are what Jensen had no idea he needed but what he knows he can’t live without.

He let himself cry without restraint. He’d spent his entire life trying to reign in his emotions and keeping them under a strict rule. Where he would once have felt embarrassed and ashamed to let himself fall apart, as if it was a sign of weakness, he saw it for what it was. Jensen was human.

Jared was too.

They were fragile yet resilient.

If they were both willing to face their fears, maybe all hope wasn’t lost.

In his head, there was a song building. He was brave enough to share it if Jared was brave enough to listen.

***

Jared was buried under a mountain of blankets, making it hard to determine the actual outline of the man’s body. The only clue that he was underneath the mess was the soft, sad sighs coming from somewhere in the middle of the bed. Jared had been buried there for days, his body trying to recover from his recent hospital stay and his heart trying to remember why it should keep beating.

So far, he wasn’t very successful on either counts.

"You need to eat something, Jared." Misha put one hand on his hip and the other lay limp at his side. He huffed exasperatedly at his failure – yet again – to get Jared out of bed.

"I  _am_  eating." Jared sat up, letting the blankets give way to a gaunt looking frame. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes, calling attention to the dark circles under them.

"I hardly call munching on carrots  _eating_." Misha leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You know you don't have to watch me like a hawk, Misha, I'm a big boy." Getting out of bed, Jared took slow steps, marked with pain as he slowly walked over to the sink and filled a glass with water.

"Are you really now?" Misha finally walked into the kitchen and deliberately took a seat in Jensen's usual chair.

Jared noticed it immediately, tossing Misha a dirty look before taking a large gulp of water. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m pretty sure I broke Jensen’s heart and I’m an asshole but I’m an asshole who’s a big boy.” Simply saying Jensen’s name made him stutter over the middle of his sentence. He tried to prove to himself that he could stay strong without Jensen but he wasn’t fooling anyone.

Misha raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t push the issue. "Well, that’s not the only reason I came over. Thanksgiving is in four days and I wanted to see if you were doing anything, considering you’re normally our most gracious host. Kim offered to do it, you know…since you’ve been a little  _tired_  as of late.”

“Tired? Is that what you’re calling it? It’s okay, Misha. We can call it what it is. It’s not like Voldemort or anything. Cancer. I have cancer. And right now, it’s being fucking unruly and I need to teach it a lesson.” Jared gazed out the small window above his sink. “Don’t hold Thanksgiving at your place. It’s tradition. We always have it here. I’ll do it.” He pointed a finger at his friend. “You’re helping,  _Misha_.”

The way Jared spit out Misha's name made him jump. "Well aren't we in a foul mood today." Kicking his feet up on the table and cocking his head, Misha frowned at Jared. "You miss him?"

"Sort of." Jared suddenly found himself unable to look his friend in the eyes and became fascinated with his hands, studying them. "Hell, of course I miss him.  _Of course_  I do." Jared found the strength to look up at Misha. "But what I did was right, wasn't it? I can't be around him when I’m like this. I can barely be around  _me_  when I’m like this."

"I can't answer that for you, Jay. I wish I could.” Standing, Misha kneaded the tension building between Jared’s shoulder blades in a loving gesture.

Though the show of friendship was heartwarming, Jared still felt empty. Putting one hand over Misha’s to stop his movement, Jared patted the man’s knuckles. "I think I need to go for a walk… _alone_." He was reminded why Misha was his best friend when the man didn’t try to persuade him out of it.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING*** This chapter involves porn of the bottom!Jared variety at the end. Skip it if you don't like it.

Kim was lazing on the couch, legs kicked up onto Misha’s lap. She was worrying her lip between her teeth, eyes nervously looking up towards the apartment above. A soft knock at the door disturbing the pair, making Kim shiver into the present moment. As Misha attempted to rise, Kim pushed him back down. "I'll get it, you sit." Kim smiled before padding her way towards the door and swinging it open. Who she saw on the opposite end left her conflicted. It was easy for her heart to hinge on hopeful when she saw a downtrodden Jensen casting sad eyes on her. He looked as worn out as Jared did, which she thought was ridiculous. If the two men would get their heads out of their asses, they could save each other a boat load of trouble. Still, she was wary. Jared hasn’t wanted to see Jensen, which meant his best friends were supposed to be off limits as well. "Hey, Jensen, what’re you doing here?" Kim blocked the doorway, preventing entrance to the room.

"Hi Kim" Jensen's eyes tried to peer into the room beyond the woman. He couldn’t read her expression, figuring it fell somewhere between hesitant and optimistic. To be honest, he was glad she was the one to answer the door. Kim didn’t seem to be as fiercely protective as Misha when it came to Jared. Unfortunately, she was not the one who could help him with his problem. Biting his lip slightly, he tried to look over Kim's shoulders again. "Is…um…Misha around?" Jensen fidgeted with one foot as Kim glanced over her shoulder.

"Yeah." Kim hooked her thumbs into her pant pockets. “He’s….”

"Can I talk to him?”

"Hold on. Wait here." Kim pointed to the ground to emphasize her point and made her way back to Misha. She oozed charm and persuasion when she crawled on the couch so she could lean over and whisper in his ear. “Misha…babe…Jensen’s here. He wants to talk to you.”

With a sigh, Misha let Kim tumble off his lap as he stood up. He had his hands full with Jared; he didn’t think he could handle taking on Jensen. It put him in a hard spot because, while he felt for Jensen, allowing him to hover wasn’t going to make things better. He hoped to god Jared hadn’t seen him arrive because he wasn’t ready for another episode of Jared locking himself in the bathroom. Catching sight of Jensen, he wanted to say to hell with it all and just let them be in misery together. Misery loved company, right? "What the hell are you doing here?" Misha walked out into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

“Yeah, I know…Jared still doesn’t want to see me. I know. I’m not an idiot.” Shrugging, Jensen shoved his hands in his pockets. "Listen, Misha, honestly? I need your help." Jensen's eyes pleaded with Misha.

"My help?" Misha's eyes narrowed at Jensen. “I promised you I would take care of Jared. I’m doing the best I can – ”

“No…not that. Though I am glad you are.” Jensen’s heart clenched when he heard Jared’s name. He was getting frustrated with being run in circles. Jared wasn’t talking to him, he was barely coming out of his apartment. And he most definitely wasn’t going to let Jensen inside. Jensen got it. He did. He knew what it was like to break down and want to hide away. He had the sense, however, that Jared wasn’t familiar with it. Jensen had spent his whole childhood hiding from things he had no idea how to deal with, he couldn’t imagine how debilitating that would be for an adult. “I know you don’t like me…that we don’t get along.”

“Who said I didn’t like you?” Misha’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Well. You know, you’re kind of snarky to me most of the time.”

Misha’s snort was immediate. “Jensen, have you failed to miss that I’m snarky  _all_  of the time? It’s not you. I like you just fine. What I  _don’t_ like is when my best friend falls apart because  _someone_ ,” he glared at Jensen, “couldn’t give him time to figure out how to tell the only person he’s ever genuinely loved that he’s dying. Because what you did? He’s a train wreck.”

“Hey!” Jensen pointed a finger at Misha, threatingly enough to bestow anger but weak enough to come with much more than an insult to Misha. “It wasn’t all my fault! He’d been lying to me and if I had known what it was about, I  _never_  would have pushed him.” Shaking his head, Jensen stared up at the ceiling. He hadn’t meant to snap but all the emotions he’d been dealing with were taking a toll on his patience. “God, I was stupid to think you would want to help me. But I’m out of options. I  _need_  to let him know that just because he has cancer doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a part of his life, for as long as I can be. If he’s dying, then I am not going to let him die alone. I love him, Misha. Regardless if you believe it or not, I do. And you know how to get to him. You’re the only one he’s talking to, am I right?”

A sigh left Misha’s mouth as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “The thing is, Jensen…I do like you. You’re good for him. Sure you were a dick,” he paused to wave off the insulted face Jensen pulled, “when I first met you but you fill in his gaps. The  _real_  you does, at least. And here you are, on my doorstep, asking me to betray my best friend’s orders because  _you_  love him. Do you know what kind of spot that puts me in?”

“Yeah, I know…if there was any other way…but…”

Misha cut Jensen off again. “The saddest part is that he’s worse without you, he just doesn’t know it yet. He doesn’t know that it’s the reason he feels worse than doctors told him he would. See, there’s no pill for heartache and our friendship can only go so far.” Misha sighed in defeat and he allowed Jensen to take a step closer to him.

"I never meant to hurt him. I can’t promise that I’ll never do it again, but I can promise that I’ll never try to do it again." Jensen started talking more with his hands than with his voice.

Misha shook his head softly and put a hand on his hip. “See, if I didn’t help you, I wouldn’t be about to agree to help you.”

“Wait, really?” Eyes perking up, Jensen swallowed thickly and blinked at Misha. He’d hoped the man would agree but was afraid he’d be a locked vault. When Misha nodded, Jensen uncharacteristically leapt forward and hugged him around the chest. He couldn’t help himself, his nervous emotions had done a number on his resolve and he was so grateful that he couldn’t think of words to get that across.

Misha stiffened a bit, surprised by the action. He pulled back slightly but Jensen held on, leaving Misha to give him a strange look while he was trapped in the one sided hug, both arms pinned down by the ones Jensen had wrapped around him.

The moment ended when Jensen realized himself and pulled away, shaking himself off. “Sorry, it’s…”

“It’s fine. We okay now? Do we need to hug it out more?” Misha smirked, lips curving up more on one side. Jensen shook his head. “Okay, then. So, Jared’s having Thanksgiving at his place…" Misha had a plan, one he thought he’d been scheming for a few days. He had a lot to tell Jensen, but it was best told without fear of a Jared sighting. Putting his arm around Jensen’s back, he ushered him into the apartment and closed the door safely behind them.

***

The wind that came blowing through the small window above Jared's kitchen sink left Jared shivering. Reaching over to shut it, he wrapped his unzipped hoodie around himself. "Damn it's cold." Shrugging at the other people in the room who were clearly  _not_ cold, Jared zipped his hoodie and went to retrieve a knit beanie, tugging it on as he squirmed around the crowded kitchen. His small apartment was decorated with orange and brown streamers, and his 'kitchen table' was transformed into a 'Thanksgiving table', set in the middle of the apartment and adorned with tiny trays of foods that really shouldn’t go together but Jared found a way to make them work.

The table was set for five, but only Misha and Kim had had arrived as they came over early to help Jared prepare. Jared had a sneaking suspicion that Misha had a secondary agenda but he didn’t care. Cooking for five people was a lot of work when one was feeling like death warmed over. The doorbell rang, letting Jared know that their final two guests, Misha’s sister Danielle and one of her friends, had arrived.

Weaving through the cluttered apartment, Jared went to answer the door. He got dizzy halfway there and had to hold himself up against the wall momentarily until he got his bearings back. Rolling his neck and shaking himself out, he pulled open the door to reveal a beaming girl with a chocolate cake held out. “Hi, Danielle. Glad you could make it.”

“Hi, Jared! I made you a chocolate cake. You still like chocolate cake, right?” She smiled impossibly wider. Nodding her head towards the girl beside her, she added, “Oh, this is my fiend Lisa. Lisa, this is Jared.”

“Nice to meet you Jared.” Lisa extended her hand and shook Jared’s when he took it. “Thanks for taking in a stray on this holiday.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m always picking up strays. It’s a bad habit of mine.” Smiling, Jared laughed along with Lisa. He knew she had no idea how true his statement had been. It made him sad that his most recent stray was out in the world again but he figured he was doing something much more glamorous than a hodgepodge holiday.

“So…the cake? Where should I put it?” Danielle squeezed through the door and went on her tip toes to kiss Jared on the cheek.”

"You shouldn't have, but thank you. And just put it anywhere you find room." Jared let the women inside and pulled the door closed. He turned to follow them but barely got two feet in the room when Misha grabbed him from behind.

"You feeling ok?" Misha cocked his head to the side to study Jared.

"Yes and no. But I'll be fine." Jared shook his head and sighed. Before he could say anything more, Danielle was squeaking and running up to her older brother.

“Mish!” Danielle jumped into Misha’s arms and hugged him tight. “I missed you!” She scaned over Misha and smiled. “You’re looking well.” Her eyes caught on Jared and she had the courtesy to let her opinions on his gaunt figure go on verbalize.

There were introductions made and Jared wasn’t sure Lisa knew what she was getting herself into. She’d just entered the crazy house, but she seemed to be holding her own thus far. Catching up took place around the kitchen table while Kim and Jared deposited the last two dishes straight out of the oven. Danielle was already stealing small helping of everything, leading to a very comical routine where Misha slapped her hand every time.

Pulling out her chair, Kim cleared her voice. “I don't know about you guys, but I'm starved. So Happy Thanksgiving everyone and let’s eat!"

Jared brought a plate full of vegetables over to the table and then sat down where the rest of his guests seemed to be waiting to actually dig into their food until he sat down. "Well, what’re you waitin’ for? Eat up, I didn't put poison in it." For the first time in over a week, he let out a genuine laugh. It seemed to open the flood gates and was echoed by everyone else’s good natured laughing. There was warmth in the kitchen and it wasn’t caused by the abuse of his stovetop. There were plates being passed around the table, serving of every option being dished out and Jared piled his plate with some of each, including the cake which Danielle plopped smack dap in the middle of the table. It smelt good and he dug in, tasting the results of his hard work. Mouth stuffed with food, he looked up to see everyone staring at him. A muffled "what?" came out of Jared's mouth as he wore the most innocent expression and swallowed audibly.

"Jared, you're eating." Kim pointed at the man in question.

"Yeah, I do that sometimes Kim." Jared smiled, his cheeks bulging out slightly.

"No, Jared, I haven't seen you eat more than a carrot or two in weeks." Misha took a forkful of his own dinner as he watched Jared.

"Well let’s just say I'm over feeling sorry for myself and throwing myself a pity party. I’ve got you guys and I’m damn well not going to spoil the mood by moping my way through dinner. Besides, I'm starved." Jared made good on his word and kept eating, seemingly lightening the mood with his simple declaration. It was almost an allowance for laughter and jokes to be made. It was exactly the type of life Jared wanted it to be before promises he couldn’t make came in and mucked it up.

They didn’t bother moving from their seats, choosing instead to enjoy seconds right along with laughter and stories. Everyone but Misha was laughing so hard over the story Kim just told about the time he split the seam of a mini skirt while out at a club that Jared barely heard the clattering coming from the large window in the other room. The sound increased and Jared quickly jerked his head to the right. His eyes widened when he saw the source of the noise: a smiling Jensen with a lopsided Santa hat on his head "Ohh my god." Jared put his head in his hands as Jensen climbed through the window. "This isn't happening."

But it was, and Jensen had successfully climbed through the window. He stood straight up, adjusting the Santa hat and giving the guests a nervous smile. Turning around, he leaned out the window to retrieve a huge red sack, boated with presents. "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas." Jensen tried to do his best to sound jolly and Santa-like but the anxious, lusting school boy quality was there.

Lisa gave Danielle a sideways glance, “Umm...does he know he’s got the wrong holiday?” She bit into a stick of celery and raised an eyebrow at the new guest.

"No, my dear, it’s the right holiday, but only for  _him_." Jensen pointed directly at Jared and smiled warmly.

Jared stared for a moment, unsure of what was happening. He hadn’t seen Jensen for a week anywhere outside of his dreams. He looked…warm. Jared’s first instinct was to run to him and wrap his body around Jensen’s. It would be so simple if they could forego words and use whatever time Jared had left to feel the comfort of another person’s body. But it wasn’t that simple and there were too many scary complications in their way, making Jared cover his mouth with both hands. He flushed bright red from the embarrassment of having to hash this out in front of everyone. "Jensen…."

“I just have a few things to say. And if you don’t want any of the things I have to offer you: words, promises, gifts, otherwise…I’ll get out of your life.” Jensen walked around the table so he would be in front of Jared.

Misha forcibly turned Jared’s chair so he was facing Jensen dead on, leaning in towards Jensen and whispering, “It took you long enough.” With a smirk, he grabbed Kim’s hand and backed out of the way, crossing both arms over his chest and leaning against the wall in wait.

Jensen shot him a small glare and then returned his attention to Jared. He dropped the sack and took the moment to appreciate the fact that he was back in Jared’s apartment. The object of his affections looked terrified but beyond that he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. There were questions he wanted to ask but this was not the time and he’d have to wait for when Jared was ready to offer answers. Gently, he knelt before Jared, licking his lips timidly because once he started this plan, there was no going back. "For  _you_ , and you only, I would like to present the 12 days of Christmas, the Jensen edition."

"Jensen, don't…" Jared's hazel eyes seemed to pulse with moisture as he watched Jensen fumble with the bag.

"For the first gift, I would like to present you with the food item that started it all." Jensen pulled out a large roll of cookie dough and handed it over to Jared. Jared actually laughed as he received the 'present', which Jensen took as a good sign. He knew he was bordering on corny with his gifts but he was willing to be a ridiculous as he needed to make Jared understand. "This sugary substance is nowhere near as sweet as all the things you have done for me."

Jared went to say something, but Jensen shut him up by pressing a piece of paper in his hand. “What’s this?” Turning it over, Jared saw the name of a cancer research funding organization.

"That’s the second gift. For all the times you said you hated my clothing and that they were only good when in a pile on the floor.” Jensen flipped the receipt back to the front and pointed to a dollar sign amount. “It’s a vague estimate but I donated the parts of my wardrobe that would fall under your disapproval.”

Blinking, Jared ran his fingers over the organizations name again. He had no idea what type of cancer they were affiliated with but if he had to guess, he supposed it was lymphoma. “Jensen…that’s…you didn’t have to.”

“Of course I didn’t. I  _wanted_  to.”

“But – ”

“Shh, not done yet.” Jensen returned to his bag and pulled out a huge bouquet of flowers, ranging from roses to hydrangea to chrysanthemums. He got down on one knee and presented them to Jared, who took them as if he was in a trance, bringing them to his chest without his eyes leaving Jensen’s. "The third gift, flowers, to apologize for all the wrongs I have ever done to you." Still smiling he reached out and presented Jared with a six pack of beer. “And the fourth gift because the third isn’t enough. I learned that the first time.” He gestured towards the six pack and placed it on the table beside Jared. “That comes with a year subscription to beer of the month so maybe I can finally find some beer that you haven’t had yet.”

Emotions Jared had kept a tight lid on started to escape and his heart turned over in his chest, pulsing out adoration for the man who put so much thought into the simplest of gifts. He found himself getting drawn into the whole process, smiling hopefully and wetting his lips as he asked, “what’s next?”

"When I first met you, in the DMV, you seduced me with the playful sucking of a lollipop. So, to ensure future seducing, I present you with the fifth gift…" Jensen pulled out a package of hand selected lollipops and dropped them on Jared's lap. "All the lollipops you could want. Every flavor and variety."

Jared laughed as he cleared himself of the prior presents so he could receive more.

"To symbolize one of our first 'dates', the sixth gift will help," Jensen pulled out two season tickets, “ensure many more days spent watching baseball and you desperately trying to teach me the ins and outs. One day, I might just get it.”

"Season tickets! That’s too much" Jared grabbed at the tickets and studied theme enough to learn that they had box seats. His heart sank a bit when he realized Jensen had spent so much money on a present that he might not be around to enjoy to its full extent. He let one single tear fall from his eyes as he placed the tickets on the table.

Jensen froze. He wasn’t sure if the tear was a good one or a bad one but Jared was looking at him with soft eyes, the way he did when they woke up on Monday mornings with nothing to do but discover each other. He went for the next step, sauntering over to Jared, his finger slipping underneath Jared's scarf. With one fluid motion, he yanked it free of Jared's neck and flung it behind him. Wiping at Jared’s cheek with his thumb, he erased all traces of the tear but another one replaced it. There was something breaking down behind Jared’s eyes, they both felt it. As much as Jensen wanted to keep the contact, he had bigger plans. Withdrawing slowly and not breaking eye contact with Jared, he reached in his sack and pulled out a scarf, similar in color to Jared's older one but with paw prints on it. He tied it around Jared’s eyes like the man had once done to him. “The seventh gift symbolizes how you have blinded me with love and I hope to do the same to you. You’ve also walked all over my heart and wrangled me into a life of crime to help out our furry friends.” He saw a smile spread across Jared’s face and tugged the scarf down to see if it had traveled to his eyes. Situating it around the man’s neck, Jensen’s voice grew more serious. “It’ll keep you warm when I’m not there to hold that job.”

"The eighth gift is one to symbolize the best thing that I have ever experienced….your kiss." Jensen walked over to Jared and sat in the empty chair next to him. He leaned in closer to the taller man, taking his time and giving Jared an out if he wanted one but his heart sang when Jared closed the gap between them and latched lips for the first time in what seemed an eternity. It was sweet and soft, but their hungriness was barely kept at bay. Jensen's lips opened wider, allowing Jared's tongue to flit into his mouth. After a few moments, Kim clearing her throat had Jensen reluctantly pulling away from a flustered Jared.

Jared brought his finger tips to his lips, ghosting them over the places Jensen’s had just touched. He was shaking but not because of the cold. An unsteady breath left his lungs and he felt a rush of exhilaration filtering through him. While there were moments where he thought he didn’t deserve all the fuss, his heart was exploding over the fact that Jensen loved him. Jensen  _got_  him. He figured him out and still loved him. All these stupid presents weren’t stupid to Jared. They were  _everything_.

While Jared was blinking breathlessly, Jensen returned to his bag of gifts. A heavy sigh left his lips as he looked lovingly at Jared before pulling out the next gift. Curling it into Jared’s palm, he stepped back to let the man figure it out.

Unfolding his palm, Jared found a small replica of their city bus. He rolled it over the contours of his hand and then placed it on the table. “It’s cute.”

“It represents this,” Jensen said as he unfolded two yearly bus passes to lay flat on the table. “So you can help me understand why you love the bus so much and I can take you on a trip or two. This gift is a package deal. You gotta take both mine and your yearly pass.”

“Where will we go?” Jared asked blankly. He’s too overwhelmed to think straight, his brain still not processing what’s happening to him.

“Anywhere. Everywhere.” Jensen snuck a kiss to Jared’s surprised lips, loving the soft moan he coaxed out of the man. “We could take it here,” Jensen said, pulling out a brochure and placing it in Jared’s hands. "The tenth gift is a gift certificate for dancing lessons, which is guaranteed to get you off of my toes on onto the dance floor in no time."

Jared flushed for a moment as he laughed, “that’s because you don’t let me lead.”

“That’s because  _I_  lead, remember? Don’t blame me for the fact that you’re a terrible dancer.” Jensen laughed, the teasing slathered thickly with adoration. “Lessons will help you and me figure things out perfectly.”

"And the second to last gift, back by popular demand…" Jensen looked at Misha and nodded.

Jared caught the action, making him turn to look expectantly at Misha. “You! You knew about all of this?”

“I know  _everything_ , Jared. Kind of hard not to when the walls are paper thin around here.” Misha smirked, turning back on Jared to fulfill his part in Jensen’s plan. He came back with a wiggly Juliet in his arms, placing her on the ground so she could fly across the apartment and pounce Jared.

"Juliet!" Jared gasped, catching the puppy so he could cuddle her and let her lick his face. The smile that broke out on his face was so wide it made his cheeks hurt. The puppy whined happily and Jared found himself almost whining along with her. “But how?”

“Turns out the guy who adopted her didn’t know his daughter was allergic to dogs. He asked me if I thought you would mind taking her back. I figured you wouldn’t and Jensen seconded that action.” There was a smug smile on Misha’s face as he watched Jared fall in love with the puppy all over again, flipping her on her back so he could rub her belly.

“Thought she was missing you too.” Jensen smiled as he watched Jared play with the dog, breath catching when Jared’s fingers caught on her new collar. He wasn’t sure how Jared was going to take the liberties Jensen had taken with her nameplate. It was a gutsy move but he dared to take it.

Giving Jensen a quizzical look, he read Juliet’s name on her dog tag. Flipping it over, he realized the back was inscribed with both his and Jensen's names above his apartment’s address. “Jen…but…your apartment.” He let the statement hang there as a few of his salty tears fell into Juliet's white fur.

“It’s just an apartment. It’s not home. This? What you have here? This is home. You can’t leave that. And I have nothing that comes close. I love your home and everything that goes with it, even Misha.” Jensen earned himself a snort from the man. “Since my parents died, I’ve never had a feeling of home until I met you. And if you were generous enough to share that with me, I’d be honored.”

Jared sucked his lips in and whimpered, burying his face in Juliet’s fur. “Jen…” He hic-cried and nodded his head. He couldn’t believe the words that were going to come out of his mouth but they were there and powerful. “Of course. Of course you can share my home.” Plopping Juliet on the ground, Jared launched himself at Jensen, almost toppling the man. He hadn’t been in Jensen’s personal space for a week and now he needed it more than he needed air. He did little more than squeeze the man, but it was what he needed. The solid feeling under him, the vibrations running through him as Jensen’s chest rumbled with laughter, made him bury his face in the crook of Jensen’s neck and inhale him. “Jensen. Thank you. God, you’re and idiot for loving me and it’s more than I deserve but…it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Because of the angle at which Jared was holding on and refusing to let him go, Jensen was able to rest his chin on the top of Jared’s mop of hair and press a kiss to it. “You might want to hold your thanks. I’m not done yet. You still have one more gift, and I have no idea if it’s a good one or not.”

The uncertainty in Jensen’s tone made Jared pull away and search him over in confusion. It gave Jensen a chance to go back to his nearly empty gift bag and pull out an acoustic guitar. Sitting on the edge of Jared’s couch, he slipped the guitar strap over his neck and positioned the guitar so he could strum the strings experimentally. “It’s…well…it’s been a long time since I’ve done this. I’ve been so busy with other things that I forgot all about the hobbies in life I used to enjoy. So I’m sorry if my repertoire is dated, but I’m a child of the 80’s and I haven’t had much time to learn new material. I’m a bit rusty, haven’t played for anyone before; never had a reason to.” A bubble of nerves multiplied in Jensen’s gut at the thought of not only singing but playing in public as well. “Your last gift, should you choose to see it as one, is a song.” He caught Jared’s eyes and smiled. Readjusting his Santa hat and throwing the pompomed end over his shoulder, he cleared his throat. “You asked me to sing for you, so this is me answering that request.”

Jared’s eyes widened, stuck on the guitar he never saw coming. “You play the guitar?” He wasn’t sure his heart could take much more. Every wall, every defensive strategy he had honed over the years, was crumbling to dust. He was out in the open but with the way Jensen was looking at him, he couldn’t care less. Music filled his apartment and clouded his brain as he got caught up in the fact that Jensen’s fingers were working over the guitar’s strings and creating the melody. He couldn’t look anywhere else, fixated on the dexterity each finger had and the way his hand moved up and down the neck. The sound of Jensen’s voice, so familiar yet so different in the act of singing, was the thing strong enough to take his attention from Jensen’s fingers and dedicate it to his face. He  _knew_  this song, but it was far different than any way he’d ever heard it before. It was slower, each word saturated with sentiment and left out for listeners to feel every bit of love and complete adoration. Looking around, Jared noticed that the rest of the guests were transfixed as well. Kim was clinging to Misha with a look in her eye that meant she was getting emotional and longing for something similar to happy to her.

Jensen had taken some liberties with the song, and as cheesy as it was, he couldn’t stop himself from going back to it when he thought of the perfect song to sing for Jared. It was  _exactly_  what Jared did to him and how their whole arrangement had started out.  _“You’re so gorgeous I’ll do anything. I’ll kiss you from your feet until your head begins. You’re so perfect, you’re right as rain. You make me, make me, make me, make me hungry again.”_ Taking his eyes off Jared for a moment, he focused on his finger movements, slipping up once or twice but he hoped no one would notice.  _“Everything you do is irresistible. Everything you do is simply kissable. Why can’t I be you?”_ When Jensen picked the song, he knew what could potentially go through Jared’s head, but where Jared would wonder why Jensen would want to be with someone who was an advanced stage of cancer, Jensen understood perfectly. Jared had took Jensen in because he wanted to help him appreciate life and learn how to  _feel_. Jensen saw the wonderful things in Jared that made him fall in love with him. Why wouldn’t he want to be the vibrant being that was Jared? Licking his lips, he set off on the next round of lyrics.  _“I’ll run around in circles til I run out of air. I’ll eat you all up and you’ll just have to bear. You’re so wonderful, too good to be true. You make me hungry for you.”_  He playfully snapped his teeth at Jared.

Jared had to laugh at that. For all the disclaimer Jensen had given him, he couldn’t see what the man was so worried about. His voice sounded perfect when it blended with the melody and it left a flutter in Jared’s heart.

 _“Everything you do is simply delicate. Everything you do is simply angelicate. Why can’t I be you?”_  Jensen smiled and gave an earnest glance to Jared. It was as if no one else was in the room but the two of them; his words and music were meant only for Jared, sung directly from his heart and filled with everything he needed Jared to know. No one else in the world mattered.  _“You turn my head when you turn around. You turn the whole world upside down. I’m smitten. I’m bitten. I’m hooked. I’m cooked. I’m_ _stuck like glue. You make me hungry for you.”_

“Oh my god, I did turn your world upside down, didn’t I?” A laugh escaped Jared’s mouth and he cupped a hand over it so as to stifle the laughing and keep from interrupting Jensen’s song. Jared could fathom exactly how hard it was for Jensen to do what he was witnessing. It warmed him to the core and made him think that maybe he underestimated Jensen. Actually, he  _definitely_  underestimated Jensen because what the man was doing was living proof that he’d learn to tap into his emotions and share them with others.

 _“Everything you do is simply dreamy. Everything you do is quite delicious. Why can’t I be you?”_  Jensen stood up and made his way towards Jared.  _“Why can’t I be you?”_  He raised his eyebrows in serious question. _“Why can’t I be –_  mmph!” There was the out of tune thud against the guitar and Jensen’s lyrics were quickly cut off by Jared sealing his lips against his.

Jared sandwiched the guitar between the two of them, wrapped his arms around Jensen’s neck and swallowed down the rest of the lyrics. He didn’t need to hear them. Jensen’s message was loud and clear. He got it. He knew Jensen wanted to be part of Jared’s fucked up world, for whatever reason, and if the man wanted it  _that_  badly, he wasn’t going to stand a chance in arguing against him.

Jensen’s hands settled on the small of Jared’s back, curling his thumbs near his hip bones and letting them find their way under the man’s shirt to the warmth of his skin. Moaning, he closed his eyes and surrendered the kiss. Nothing was more important in that moment than that kiss and the man behind it. He heard a soft cry come from Jared when he broke just enough to get air and dive back into kissing but it was enough to worry Jensen. “Jay…you’re crying.”

“It’s happy tears. Trust me. How could I not cry when the man I love just made a complete spectacle over how much he loves me?” Despite the crying, Jared let out a laugh. Smiling sweetly, he pressed a closed lipped kiss to Jensen’s lips, repeating the action before peppering kisses over the contours of his face. Cracking an eye open, he noticed the rest of their guests were frozen awkwardly in place. “Okay,  _everybody_  out.” He had work to do with Jensen, and as much as their guests were free to witness their very public display of affection, they’d worn out their welcome.

Danielle pouted, “But…but…dessert?” She indicated the goodies that had gone untouched by anyone but Jared.

Misha smacked his sister on the back of her head and glared at her in disbelief of her ignorance over the situation. “You can eat your damn dessert at my place. Come  _on_ ,” he said in a harsh whisper as he grabbed her by the crook of her elbow and yanked her to her feet.

Kim grabbed an assortment of desserts before helping usher Lisa out the door as well. She smiled mischievously at Jared. “You two have _fun_.”

“Out!” Jared demanded more seriously this time, herding his guest towards the door with urgent shoves to their shoulders. The minute he had them out, he locked the door in just enough time before Jensen spun him and slammed his back up against the door. He reveled in the fact that Jensen was the first person that week who hadn’t treated him like he was made of glass. Moaning over the way Jensen shoved against him, he let his head fall back against the door, exposing his neck. Jensen took advantage of it and dropped sensual kisses over the column of flesh.

 

Jensen’s pulse was fervent. His mind was spinning over the direction things were going. He couldn’t get enough of Jared but needed to pace himself before his legs went weak and he forgot how to stand. “Oh, Jared,” he breathed out against the blood surging through Jared’s veins. He sucked a bruise there, lips dragging up and over more of the exposed flesh.

Jared sighed, coasting his hands up Jensen’s back and pressing him close. Their mouths found each other’s and kissed with short, quick attacks of each other’s mouth. It was intoxicating and what Jared had been pretending he didn’t want. Now that he had it, it was just what he needed. He wanted to kiss every inch of Jensen to make up for lost time. Pulling at the collar of Jensen’s t-shirt, he exposed his collar bone and left lingering kisses along it. “Jensen…I’m sorry…I…I just couldn’t let you fall in love with someone who had a rapidly approaching expiration date.”

“Stop it. Don’t talk like that.” Jensen cupped Jared’s face in his hands, pulling him up so that they looked eye to eye. “We can try new things. Different treatments than before. I’ll be there with you. I’ll – ” Jensen went cross-eyed to look at the finger Jared pressed against his lips.

“Shh, not now. Please? Can we just be  _us_  now? Talk later?”

The pleading in Jared’s eyes was palpable and Jensen chose to shelve the issue for now. “Okay. Later. Right now… _us_.” They locked lips again as Jensen’s hands slid back towards the base of Jared’s skull and up to comb through Jared’s hair, pulling the man in for a deeper kiss.

“’ _Us_ ’ likes the bed.” Jared added with a smile.

Their way to the bed was slow, each of them taking their time with their steps and the way their hands worked to rid each other of clothing. Jared slowly inched Jensen’s shirt up, breaking the kiss to yank it over his head. Jensen blindly worked open the button fly on Jared’s jeans, shoving them down enough to reveal his hips. Jensen’s heart saddened at the sharp angle of Jared’s hips but he couldn’t think on it further because Jared was coaxing his tongue into his mouth. Walking Jared backwards until the back of his thighs hit the bed, Jensen sat him down gently. Each movement was drawn out as he teasingly pulled the scarf from Jared’s neck and slip his hoodie and shirt over his head in one go, kissing up Jared’s torso as he exposed his chest. Jared reached out to try and unfasten Jensen’s jeans but Jensen shushed him.

“No, Jare. You relax. This is about you, okay? You’ve taught me so much, I want to teach you that every month can be November. I can always be your November. It can always be this sweet.” Jensen pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth and got onto his knees between Jared’s legs. He kissed the area under his bellybutton, trailing them lower until he met the waistband of his boxer briefs. “Lift up, hmm?”

Jared’s heart fluttered for the hundredth time that day when he looked down at Jensen’s love-struck face. Almost on autopilot, he lifted his hips and let the man shimmy the denim and cotton away so that they fell to the floor. He watched the way Jensen kissed every part of his hips and thighs, deliberately avoiding his eagerly waiting dick in a show of devotion to the whole of him. Swallowing thickly, he felt a rush of want and tenderness that made his eyes shine and a whimper leave his mouth. It wasn’t from physical pain but the struggle he was having to let Jensen work at his own pace.

Jensen made good on his lyrics by kissing Jared from head to toes. He knew it was drawn out but the need to cherish every inch of Jared’s body earned him a few laughs that were desperately needed to lighten the mood and remind both of them that tonight wasn’t about finality but a new beginning as a team.

Done with the kissing regiment, Jensen stood to remove his own clothing, leaving him equally nude. As Jensen crawled onto the bed, Jared scooted backwards, propping himself up on his elbows so that he could watch Jensen close the distance between them. Their bodies met with a magnetic pull, kissing each other again like the time between had been too long. Their limbs couldn’t stay still, choosing instead to stroke them over each other’s bodies and legs tangled to anchor them in the moment.

This was the part where Jensen would become a blubbering mess and find himself desperate to have Jared’s dick inside him, making him fall apart. As much as he wanted that, he felt like they needed a fresh start on new terms that were not dominated by the rules Jared made to control his world. “Jared…I…I want to make love to you…If you’ll let me.”

Jared froze, breath coming in short nervous panting. He hadn’t let anyone do that to him since before the cancer diagnosis in fear that giving himself to someone like that would open the flood gates and make him feel like giving himself over to other people’s whims. It was stupid, he knew. If he could control things, such as the terms of sexual coupling, it made him feel like he could control his body and his life. He had no idea how he’d react to someone else being inside of him or making him break into pieces reacting to that one person. But Jensen had somehow figured out how to make him fall apart any way. Jensen. The one who fell in love with him despite his best efforts to prevent it.

Jensen didn’t know where Jared’s brain was, thinking he’d turned Jared off from the idea by pushing for it too soon, until Jared clawed at his back and brushed his lips close to his ear. He spoke in a whisper, like the revelation was too heavy for him and he was scared to carry the decision alone. “I…yeah…can you? Make love to me? Make me know you aren’t going anywhere. Can you…can you do that for me?”

This vulnerability in Jared was a new element in the bedroom and it left Jensen blinking at him in an attempt to find the brain power to speak.

Jared looked nervous, swallowing loudly and wetting his lips. “Jen, please…say something.”

Jensen was absolutely certain Jared had no clue just how speechless he left him sometimes. Slotting a leg between Jared’s he nudged it upright enough to brush against his cock, no softening a little from the bump they’d hit in their discussion. “I can do that. Of course I can do that.” Kissing Jared’s panting lips, he curled a loose hand around his arousal and moved it in a slow pumping motion to coax it back to life. “If you trust me, I can more than ‘do that’.” He trailed his lips along Jared’s jaw line, soft and slow. Tonight wasn’t about rushing, he learned that lesson from Jared himself. Tonight was about taking things slow so Jensen could capture every moment and lock it in the vault of his memory. “You have no idea – no idea how you make me feel. I’ve wanted to make you feel as good as you make me feel.”

Jared swooned at the words and arched his back so as to search out Jensen’s touch. “I kinda have an idea,” he added as his leg brushed up against the hard-on Jensen was sporting. He traced the contours of Jensen’s dick, sliding his fingers over the slit to find moisture building. It made him moan to know Jensen desired him after all he’d learned about Jared.

Jared’s actions sent sparks off low in Jensen’s belly, sending a rush of blood to his dick. Moaning low in his throat, Jensen nudged Jared’s legs apart and situated his torso between them. Looking down at the man before him, he wanted to sprout a million declarations of love because with Jared’s hair fanned across the pillow and his body lay open and exposed before him, no walls in place, no defenses up, he felt like the lucky one in the situation. “You tell me to stop and we stop.”

“I know.” Jared nodded and grabbed Jensen’s hand, leading it to his dick and keeping it there. “I’m not going to want you to stop.” Moving his hand along with Jensen’s, Jared helped Jensen find a comfortable rhythm jerking his dick. “I trust you.”

Jensen’s body purred with satisfaction over hearing those words. He locked eyes with Jared and drew out every pump of his hand, pausing every few jerks to swirl his thumb over the head. There were no words between them but they were so close they were breathing each other’s air when Jared bucked his hips up and craned his neck so he could find Jensen’s lips. They met each other movement for movement, kissing as Jared started melting into a boneless heap below Jensen.

Jensen flipped Jared slightly onto his side until he was pressed against the man’s backside, almost spooning. He strained to reach their lube in the nightstand, finding it and snapping the bottle open to coat his fingers liberally. “Gonna open you up, Jare. Gonna take my time and make your pulse skyrocket. Let me know if it’s too much.” He trailed one slicked finger down the juncture between the man’s legs, teasing at the puckered ring of muscle. Pulling back to find a more comfortable angle to manipulate his hand, he watched the muscles of Jared’s back for any signs of discomfort. There were none, though he could tell Jared was biting his lip on the edge of apprehension. One push of his finger had Jared letting out a shuttering breath and Jensen felt the distance between them was worth being able to watch Jared unfurl in front of him. Kissing the muscles of Jared’s shoulder blades, his lips froze there as he pressed the first digit completely past the ring of muscle.

Jared tensed and squirmed his hips.

“Shh, I got you.” Jensen kissed the back of Jared’s neck several times before moving his finger again.

Jared pulled away habitually as Jensen’s finger sank deeper into his entrance. The unfamiliarity and intimacy of the situation made him freeze up and he fought to remember that it was okay.

Jensen followed Jared’s retreat, pushing forward enough so that Jared couldn’t escape his ministrations. “Hey, it’s just me. ‘M not gonna hurt you.”

Taking a deep breath, Jared squirmed. “No, I know…jus’ I haven’t…it’s been…”

Nuzzling near Jared’s ear, Jensen spoke with soft reassuring words. “I know. I’m gonna go slow, remember?” He kissed him and moved his finger in slow drags across Jared’s anal walls to emphasize his point.

Jensen’s words extinguished the panic running through Jared’s mind and let him relax and enjoy the tender touches. He eased back onto the man’s fingers and the pressure it was creating. It felt good, and he had to admit he missed the stretching feeling Jensen provided when he circled his finger and tested all sides of the muscles, making it relax so that he could sneak a second one in. Craning his head to look over his shoulder, he bit his lip and caught Jensen’s gaze while the man pumped his fingers inside of him.

The look on Jared’s face and the way his lips parted in a permanent, pleasurable moaning expression made Jensen’s arousal twitch. It was hard to remain unaffected by Jared’s lidded eyes saturated with a heavy dose of want and splash of uncertainty. Jared was watching him work, which put the pressure on Jensen but it also made him bolder. If Jared was going to critique his prep work, then he was going to show the man just what he was capable of. He strained to capture Jared’s parted lips in a quick kiss at the same moment he slid a third finger into Jared’s entrance. He didn’t move them as Jared grew comfortable with the change in fullness, letting Jared know the ball was in his court.

Jared rolled his hips and pressed back, wanting more. He forced Jensen’s fingers deeper, gasping and closing his eyes. For the moment, Jared abandoned looking at Jensen and flopped down on the pillow.

The rest of the prep work was slow. There was exploratory movements made and gentle scissoring of Jensen’s fingers. Sliding his fingers out, he coated them with more lube and returned to gently stroking Jared’s insides. When Jensen felt it was time to take things to the next level, he curved his fingers and pushed in just the right way to brush against Jared’s prostate.

“Jensen!” Jared strained against the mattress. He shivered and let his legs fall open wider, leaning his head back so that it fell on Jensen’s shoulder.

With Jared lose and unguarded, Jensen chose that time to go for a condom. He was about to roll it over his dripping arousal when Jared grabbed his hand.

“No…don’t. Can…can we go without it?” Jared knew the request was a chancy one, but he needed this. “If we’re going to do this, I wanna do it without anything between us. Just you and me. I’m clean, I swear. You can check my medical records. You can’t catch cancer,” he said with a light laugh to prevent Jensen from getting hung up on the diagnosis.

“I’m clean too,” Jensen added. Still, he paused in thought. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to take Jared bare, it was just that he’d never done that before with anyone and wondered if Jared had offered for Jensen’s benefit. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I really am. Please?”

Not trusting words, Jensen nodded. He threw the condom over his shoulder and proceeded to lube up his naked dick. “Relax, Jared.” When the younger man lowered himself back to the bed once more, Jensen readjusted their spooning position, Jared’s back against Jensen’s chest. He wanted to see Jared’s face but he also wanted to stay relaxed like this for a while longer. He hooked Jared’s outer leg behind the knee with one arm and opened the man’s hips. Slowly, he helped guide the blunt head of his dick to Jared’s entrance. There was resistance but a little shove on Jensen’s part had it engulfed in tight heat. When Jared let out a punch of air, Jensen stroked his back. It went on like that until Jensen bottomed out and Jared was blissfully full.

“You can move, Jen. Feels good. Need this.” Jared sighed. There was a burn from the way Jensen stretched him open but it was welcomed and made him feel alive.

Kissing along the nape of Jared’s neck, Jensen moved his hips in slow, drawn out movements. His dick made thorough slides against Jared’s inner muscles, never stopping in the gentle fluidity of each motion. Jensen kept going like they were riding a calm wave lapping at the shore and Jared was there to meet him with every push.

It was amazing. Jared had never felt so in tune with someone before. He fluttered his muscles around Jensen’s arousal and sighed happily when he dragged a breathy moan from Jensen’s lips.

Jensen lost track of how long they moved like that but he knew that he was keeping himself just on the edge of orgasm territory. He loved how close they were, bodies pressed so tightly that he swore he felt Jared’s heart beating in time with his. The prolonged journey to climaxing made everything more intense that Jensen couldn’t stand it anymore. Without pulling out, Jensen managed to manipulate Jared’s leg over his shoulder so that he could flip the man on his back. He dropped his leg back down to the bed, leaving Jensen in a pushup-like position over Jared’s panting body.

“Kiss me like you’re never going to leave me, Jen.” Jared let out a breath and closed his eyes.

Jensen couldn’t refuse that request. He met Jared’s lips in a bruising kiss and found a new rhythm, this one faster than the first. With the angle, he was able to thrust deeper and by the look of pleasure on Jared’s face, he was on the right path. Getting one hand between them, Jensen pumped Jared’s dick with his fist without breaking their kiss.

A shout from Jared had them tumbling over the edge faster than anything in their whole lovemaking process. He came with pent up ropes of come splattering their bellies and his hips stuttering, trying to get close enough to Jensen to linger in the pleasure the man was giving him.

Jensen’s credited the achievement of his orgasm with watching Jared come undone. As Jared’s anus constricted around his dick, his movements grew more drawn out until he buried himself as deep as he could go and coated Jared’s insides with his release. The feeling of having nothing between them did funny things to Jensen’s brain and he started babbling but all he could get out that wasn’t gibberish was Jared’s name.

Jared swore he whited out. His eyes rolled back from the electric shocks of pleasure short circuiting his brain and when he came to, Jensen was lying beside him with matching panting breath. He was two shades from passing out completely but he felt Jensen nudging at him with little pushes of his shoulder.

“How was that?” Jensen asked shyly with a hidden smile.

“That was…that was  _us_. That was…” He trailed off and kissed Jensen deeply because there weren’t words to sum up how mind blowing the sex had just been. “Perfect.”

“Good.” Jensen smiled and knocked their heads together, keeping their foreheads touching so that they went cross eyed if they tried to stare into each other’s eyes. “Ugh, we should clean ourselves up before passing out.”

“Too sleepy,” Jared mumbled. He didn’t give a crap about the mess between them or the soiled sheets. So what if they woke up with dried come on their bellies. That was why he had a bathtub. Right now, he didn’t want to let Jensen out of his sight. They had missed several nights sleeping together and he wasn’t going to let even a second of their newfound time go to waste. “Stay in bed. Sleep now. Clean up in the morning.” He tugged at Jensen, rolling him onto his side so he could spoon around him and wiggle his feet between the man’s calves.

Rolling his eyes, Jensen couldn’t argue much. He was just as wrung out from the emotional rollercoaster they’d just been on. Reaching down, he pulled the blanket up to warm their sweat-cooling skin. Tomorrow they could share a bath, which was a pretty good way to start a morning. “Yeah, okay. Sleep.”

Before sleep found either of them, Jared whispered into Jensen’s ear. “I’m glad you came back. I’m glad you fought for something you wanted. I’m an idiot who missed you. I’m an idiot who loves you.”

“You’re not an idiot, Jared. You’re just not used to someone like me. For as surprising as you’ve been, it looks like I’ve got a few surprises up my sleeves.” Jensen grabbed the hand Jared had draped across his waist and brought it up to his lips to kiss his palm. “And I love you right back. So that doesn’t make either of us idiots, does it?”

“No. I guess not.” Jared sighed happily. Jensen’s words had settled something in his world and for the first time in a while, he slept without worrying about the finality of a medical life expectancy.

***

Jared took a sip of his coffee, holding the cup with both palms curved around it so as to absorb some of its warmth. He hummed happily as he swallowed slowly and savored the taste. His muscles held telltale signs of last night’s activities. Shifting, he appreciated the fact that the residual soreness came with deep meaning. It meant that Jensen was in his bed and that somehow all the planets had aligned enough to allow Jared the strength the put down the one wall he kept around the most vulnerable part of himself.

Staring out the window, it was easy to forget how complicated his life was about to become. For now, he pushed that fact into the corner. He needed to savor the simplicity of the morning and the tranquility that seemed to settle in the apartment because he was afraid that whatever decisions he was teetering on making would shatter it.

“Hey,” Jensen’s voice floated across the apartment and drew Jared’s attention. The man padded, barefoot and still nude from the previous night, towards Jared and wrapped his arms around him from behind. They fit together perfectly, Jensen’s body making room for the curve of Jared’s spine. He placed a kiss on the man’s shoulder blades, straining his neck so he could rest his chin on Jared’s shoulder. “What ‘cha doin’?”

“I couldn’t sleep any longer. I got up and made coffee.” Jared said on a sigh and emphasized his point by bringing his mug to his lips and taking a drink.

“I see that.” Jensen ran his hand down Jared’s body, coasting it over his hipbone and letting it get snagged there. “Maybe I should have asked, how’re you doin’?” Keeping one hand on Jared, Jensen managed fishing a mug from the hanging rack and filling it with black coffee through the use of his other hand.

Jared was content to stay silent and get lost in Jensen’s weight against his body, but he knew he had things to say, important things that Jensen deserved to hear. He couldn’t, however, find the strength to turn around and look Jensen in the eye. “Why are you doing this Jen?”

“What?”

“Holding onto a sinking ship.”

Jensen stiffened. “I love you – ”

“I know you do,” Jared cut Jensen off with a whisper as his eyes fell to studying the floor.

“ _And_  I realized that this is the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s never going to get better than this. And I  _know_  the feeling is mutual. So, yeah, I think it’s perfectly clear why I’m not leaving you.” Even though he was holding Jared from behind, Jensen was able to read up and turn Jared’s downcast face so that it was looking over his shoulder towards Jensen.

“I _do_  feel that way. I…I  _never_  thought someone would make me feel this way.  _Ever_. And then  _you_.” Jared gestured towards Jensen with a head nod. “You had to go an’ turn out to be so wonderful underneath that workaholic exterior. And I never thought I would have what we have but you gave that to me and I couldn’t ask for anything more in life.” He realized that the way he got the words out had a final sound to it.

“So why don’t you want to fight? Fight for your health, your life,” Jensen pulled them tighter together and spoke softly in his ear. “For  _us_.”

“Because…it’s not going to be pretty. Because all the perfect times we had are going to be replaced by pain and sickness and…” Jared let out a long breath. “And I don’t want you to remember me like that. I want you to remember the man who held your apartment’s security officer hostage and turned your world upside down.”

Jensen snorted out a laugh. “I’m  _never_  going to forget  _that_. I promise. And…it’s okay. I know cancer isn’t pretty. I  _know_. I  _know_  what I am asking for. I did my research. If you recall, there are some people who thought I was good at that.”

“I just want your life to be perfect.”

“It won’t be if you’re not in it. Trust me.”

Jared closed his eyes because he knew Jensen wasn’t lying. He needed to focus himself because all he could seem to register was Jensen and the feel of the man’s hand on his hip and the dedication in his voice. “I…I can’t afford it.”

“Doesn’t matter. I told you, I’ve got some ties to doctors, the best ones in the state. Oncologists who have worked their asses off to treat people worse off than you. If you’re willing to meet with them, then I can deal with the bills. I’ve been saving up my salary for years. And for what? I told myself it was for the future. This seems like a pretty good manifestation of that. I’ve been saving it all along for you. You’re my future…if you want to be.  _Please_ , want to be?”

Jared let out a cry; despite his attempt to muffle it, it came out wounded and vulnerable. Putting his coffee down, he took exactly three breaths but it did nothing to calm his nerves. Giving up, he spun in Jensen’s arms, facing him and cupping his cheeks so as to pull their foreheads together. “Okay.”

Jensen’s green eyes blinked rapidly as he tried to digest the single word. “Okay? Like...‘okay, I’ll get treatment?’ That type of ‘okay’?”

“Yeah, that type of ‘okay’. As long as you promise to still love me if I throw up on my shoes or keep stepping on your feet when we dance. Then, yes. Okay. I’ll  _try_. But you have to believe me when I say I’ve had enough or that I can’t handle it, if that time should come.” A tear fell down Jared’s cheek but he was smiling.

“I can’t stop loving you. I tried. Believe me. Weeks ago, I tried to ignore you.  _I can’t_.” Jensen put his own mug down and looped his arms around the small of Jared’s back, pulling him close. To let the man know how happy he was, he captured his lips in a long kiss, mumbling Jared’s name to complete the moment of adoration. Hand reaching up, he brushed away the tear. It was futile, considering there were tears coming down his own cheeks: happy, relieved and thankful tears. Combing his finger up into Jared’s hair, he anchored them.

Feeling Jensen tugging on his hair made Jared realize what he was signing up for. “Oh god, my hair’s probably gonna fall out. Did last time.”

“I’ll still love you. Besides, it’s getting kind of long anyway.”

Jared laughed at Jensen’s quick response. Shaking his head, he couldn’t think of using words right now, choosing instead to resume kissing.

They kept kissing through stifled sobs and desperate attempts to grasp any part of each other’s body, as if they needed the connection to remind them that they were real and alive.

It was only when Jensen’s brain came back to earth, that his kisses grew more hesitant and his eyes searched the doorway. Mumbling against Jared’s lips, he voiced, “um, Jay. The door. You know, Misha could come in at any minute and I’m far too naked for that.”

“I locked the deadbolt.”

The seriousness of that fact sunk in and it drove Jensen to kiss Jared all the more intensely, taking Jared’s breath away. His tongue flitted into Jared’s mouth, rolling against Jared’s and licking the coffee taste out of his mouth until it was pure, comforting, Jared.

“What was that for?” Jared asked when the kiss broke and he could pull away to raise an eyebrow at Jensen. He melted all over again at the sight of happiness in Jensen’s eyes.

“You locked the deadbolt.” Jensen repeated slowly.

“Yeah, I did. I – ”

“ _You_  locked the deadbolt. Jared, this is the first morning we’ve ever spent together without an interruption.” To prove how much that meant to him, Jensen went back to kissing Jared. This time, Jared walked him backwards towards the bed. Their movements were so fluid that Jensen found himself awed by the power and strength under Jared’s skin. He coasted his hands over Jared’s body, appreciating  _everything_. They were just about to plop back down on the mattress when a shrill yipping broke their concentration.

Juliet barked again, wiggling her trail and practically her whole body as she tried to get the men’s attention. She jumped against their calves, whining the whole time.

“Correction,” Jensen said with a laugh. “We  _almost_  had a morning without an interruption.” He watched Juliet spin in a circle and then jump up again. “Looks like she needs to go out. I’ll take her,” he added with a touch of disappointment as his eyes studied the naked body he would have to temporarily leave behind. “You get back into bed. Keep it warm for me.” Smirking, he placed a kiss on the corner of Jared’s mouth and scooped Juliet into his arms. “Come on, pup.”

“Hurry back. You had a turn at sex without anything between us. I want to give your ass the same treatment,” Jared teased but he yawned as he was climbing into bed.

It saddened Jensen to see how tired Jared was, but the smile on the man’s face got across that he didn’t want Jensen worrying about him. His efforts gave light to exactly how unhappy he was about putting clothing on and leaving the house, but he still managed to get dressed and tug on shoes. Going to the door, he clipped a leash onto Juliet’s collar and placed her on the ground just before unlocking and opening the door.

As soon as they were out of the apartment, Jensen found himself almost colliding with Misha. “Whoa, Misha. Good morning. Waiting for coffee? He questioned as he shimmied past him and towards the stairs.

Misha hesitated, biting his cheek before sighing. “No, I…I just wanted to make sure he’s alright. After last night…well…I didn’t know how he’d be today. It was  _a lot_ , Jensen. You have to admit that.”

“He’s…he’s great. A little tired but…great. I sent him back to bed for a while. He…” A smile cracked on Jensen’s face and energy buzzed through his core. He knew Misha would be excited over his next reveal. “He’s agreed to treatment.”

“He  _what_?” Misha shouted, wide eyed. He realized how far the sound could have traveled into Jared’s apartment and repeated himself in a whisper.

“He did. I swear. He wants to try…which is all I ask of him. And, I swear, I am going to make sure he gets the best care possible.” Jensen clasped Misha on the shoulder and looked him straight in the eye. He knew how much Misha cared about his best friend and that made them instant allies. He wanted to say more but Juliet tugged on the leash and whined. “Excuse me. Doggy duty calls.” He jogged down the steps and through the outside door, aware that Misha was hot on his heels. “What?” he asked, craning his neck to look back.

“Just figured you could use some company.” Misha shoved his hands in his pockets and kept up with Jensen’s brisk walk. “You did good back there. You know? What you gave Jared was more than just gifts. I think you gave him back the will to live, reminded him how wonderful  _his_  life is. That’s priceless.”

“Yeah, well, unfortunately, ‘priceless’ is gonna cost a lot. I just hope I can swing it. Being unemployed and all.” A light bulb went off in Jensen’s head and he turned to face Misha, lips working before he managed to get any sound out. He wasn’t usually one to plead for things but after Jared, that fact had been obliterated. And as much as he hated having to rely on Misha, he couldn’t see many other options. “I need a job. And you…you own a whole company. You don’t think you could –”

“Give you a job?” Misha finished for him with a raised eyebrow as they rounded the corner. “Christ Jensen, the job is yours. I’ve wanted you on my team since the moment I realized which stray cat Jared brought in from the rain.” Laughing to himself, Misha amended his statement. “Well, not  _the exact moment_. You were kind of a dick when I first met you. But afterwards, when you grew a personality. Your reputation really does precede you, good and bad. The job was always yours. You just needed to want it for the right reasons.”

The bristling Jensen was doing in response to Misha’s insults disappeared the moment his offer sank in. “You’re telling me I have a job?”

“On one condition.” Clearing his throat, Misha put a hand on Jensen’s arm to still him. With Juliet happy to sniff and snort in a tuft of grass, Misha had Jensen’s undivided attention. “Jared’s going to need you. He’ll need me too, but you more so. And I think we both know you can’t fully believe him when he says he doesn’t need anyone. So, the job is yours only if you promise to stay home until Jared recovers. I’ll keep you on the payroll and if need be, you can work from home. But I don’t want to see you in the office. If he gets angry or he needs his space – which, trust me, will happen – then you can make your home office.”

Jensen launched himself at Misha, laughing at the fact that he probably shouldn’t be hugging his new boss to death before putting in one day’s work. “Thank you! Seriously, Misha…this is…this is…amazing! I can’t accept  _that much_  generosity. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Don’t be an idiot. You need this. Jared needs this. And I could use you on my team; wouldn’t have you working anywhere else. Umph!” A punch of air left Misha’s lungs as Jensen squeezed him tighter. “Are we back to the hugging thing again?”

For a second, Jensen contemplated backing off and apologizing. But Misha was right. They all needed things to fall into place this way. “Yes. I’m hugging you. Like it or not, we’re going to be living in the same building and working together. And I seem to hug you more than I thought I would. Thought I would punch you a few times. But hugging? That’s new. So yes, I’m hugging you because you’re a great friend to Jared and maybe just beginning to be friends with me.”

Rolling his eyes, Misha moved in slow motion until he was returning Jensen’s hug, both his palms patting on the broad spans of Jensen’s back. “You’re welcome,” he whispered, without needing the verbal thanks.

They parted, a million milestones to reach but settling on silence for now as they walked Juliet together.

And Jensen thought, maybe there was a way for all the pieces to work together with everyone coming out on top. If that was true, then they all had their work cut out for them but Jensen never was one to shy away from insurmountable odds.

 


	12. Epilogue

Sitting in an exam room with Jared left Jensen with a jumble of nerves in his stomach and his heart beating so fast he thinks it is going to pound out of his chest. They’ve come so far but he’s not sure if it’s enough or if it ever will be.

There were times in the last year that Jensen thought he made a mistake. More often than not, he felt like maybe Jared had been right from the beginning, maybe he should have respected Jared’s decision to go without treatment.

At times, it seemed like that was the easier, less painful option.

Because watching Jared fall apart was just as harrowing as Jensen thought it would be but he didn’t anticipate the guilt in having forced the man into this.

But Jared had remained resolute in the fact that if Jensen was willing to stick by his side, then he wanted to right this. He never made Jensen feel bad for asking Jared to keep fighting.

He did, however, cry. He got angry, and screamed at the world and doctors and science. He fell apart in the most hostile manner, one that Jared’s usual personality gave no evidence of existing under the surface.

There were times where Jensen would bear the brunt of all the screaming, because even though he knew it wasn’t directed at him, it was happening because Jensen had asked Jared to seek treatments and keep trying them until they found one that worked.

And there were times when Jared was happy, when it was easy to almost forget that there was something malicious and pernicious sucking away at Jared’s energy and life force. Those times, despite Jared having lost all his hair as he anticipated, it was just the two of them again like it was in November. The rest of the world was drowned out and muted.

Sometimes Jared was himself for days. Walking dogs, living life, ending up in bed with Jensen and making love like they used to.

Sometimes Jared was someone else entirely. The Chemo made him sick, the radiation made him lethargic, and the drug meant to boost his immune system left him with fatigue and nausea.

During those times, Jensen found him shivering with fever, skin hot but Jared trembled as if he was freezing. They spent less time in the bathroom taking baths together and more times with Jared throwing up everything he tried to eat and Jensen hovering over him.

Those were the times they found themselves living in most of the time but they made the good times sweeter.

They fought in calculated ways, as Jared was quite skilled at making their arguments about everything other than the fact that Jensen _asked_  him to get treatment and was the sole reason he was doing so. On those days, Jensen honed a stronger friendship with Misha and Kim, spending the day at their apartment and sending one of them to check if the coast was clear before he returned.

And they made it work.

Until Jared landed himself in the hospital. No one saw it coming and his vitals were so irregular that no one knew where it was going. Jared crashed once, but they brought him back and managed to stabilize him somehow.

Jensen thought he was going to die right along with Jared. He was ready to do that. When Misha visited, he wasn’t sure which one of them looked worse. Jensen crawled into Jared’s hospital bed and found a way to fit themselves together so he could join Jared’s medical induced sleep with his own exhausted one.

When he woke up, the doctors had found the means to try a stem cell transplant.

And after the bumpiest road Jensen’s life had ever traveled, Jared started to get better. The good days evened out with the bad days and then overtook them entirely.

It’s what led them to today, where Jared had been subjected to a battery of test, including drawing enough blood to help with a transfusion and taking bone marrow.

Sitting on the exam table, Jared looked too skinny, but he sat up straight and tall, a beanie pulled down over his bald head. “Don’t worry, Jen,” he said with a soft smile.

“How could I  _not_  worry?” Jensen reached out for Jared’s hand and squeezed it, uncertain of who needed the connection more. He nervously scratched at his own head, practically bald since he’d started shaving it the moment Jared’s hair started falling out and he shaved his own head. There was a short fuzz there, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be shaving his head. He hoped Jared’s body wouldn’t have to endure more Chemotherapy but he knew he’d shave his head as long as Jared didn’t have a hair on his own.

The doctor came in and there were big, scary medical words shared. There were percentages and test results that Jensen couldn’t wrap his brain around. He needed to see charts and print outs to make some sense of it all but the doctor spoke in that same calm tone that Jensen couldn’t figure out if things were good or bad.

“It looks like you’re in remission,” the doctor said with a smile.

That word, Jensen heard loud and clear. “Remission?”

“Yeah. According to the tests, we can’t find trances of cancer in your body. That doesn’t mean microscopic traces aren’t there, that’s why it’s remission and not a cure. But…from where I’m standing, you’re one patient who beats the odds, Mr. Padalecki.”

***

Jared blinked at the doctor. He knew what remission was. It was a stage he’d never reached before. And from the way his body felt, it was as if he has fought a war. He damn well worked his way to remission but hearing it from the doctor’s lips was still shocking. His heart sped up, working double time as he felt the adrenaline rush through him and leave him light headed. “Seriously? I kicked cancer’s ass?”

“It kicked right back but you kicked harder.” The doctor laughed. “As of today, you’re cancer free. Congratulations.” He clasped a hand on Jared’s shoulder.

Jared’s world spun and he grabbed onto Jensen to ground himself. “Holy shit, Jen. I…”

“You’re in remission.” Jensen finished with a smile.

“Fuck, baby…I…” Licking his lips and not caring if the doctor was still staring at them, Jared looped his arms around Jensen’s shoulders and kissed him.

There were tears between both of them, and relieved panting laughter when they broke apart.

This wasn’t a part of the life Jared thought was slated for him. He didn’t expect to have this and its reality made him euphoric. The doctor left the room, giving them some time alone to revel in the news. Jared broke the kiss to hug himself against Jensen’s chest, needing to focus on breathing while Jensen rubbed his hand over Jared’s back with soothing circular movements. Jared’s life and everything he ever wanted came into focus. Pulling upright and wiping the tears from his face with the back of his hands, he whispered one word. “Yes.”

“What?” Jensen ducked lower to meet the seated man’s eye contact.

“Yes. Over a year ago, you asked me to marry you. I told you I couldn’t. But now? Now I can. So I’m saying yes. Yes, if you still want to.” Jared’s heart clenched in hopefulness and he wet his lips nervously.

Jensen grabbed the edge of the exam table to steady himself. “Yes. Yes I want to. Fuck, Jared. Yes! Of course I still want you. You’re it for me. There is never going to be anyone more important than you.”

Jared believe that. He always had. It was evident in Jensen’s eyes just how committed he was and he hoped Jensen saw that it was mutual. As it turned out, Jared could not live without Jensen. Jared knew he wouldn’t be here in this moment without Jensen and the team of people who loved him and worked behind the scenes. He ran a hand over the fuzz on Jensen’s head, heart warming all over again at the show of dedication his boyfriend made in shaving his head. “In November. Let’s get married in November. Give your hair time to grow out.”

Jensen laughed and caught Jared’s hand, bringing it to his lips so he could kiss it. “I look pretty shitty with a bald head, don’t I?”

“No. You look like the best damn partner in the world. But I want to marry the man who turned  _my_  world upside down. The one with a neatly trimmed haircut and those green eyes I knew would be my undoing. You can wear whatever you want, even a suit. I don’t care. Just…marry me in November?” Jared laughed and marveled over how the conversation had turned around and wondered who was asking who.

“I’d marry you  _every_  November.” Jensen smirked. “Now shut up and let me kiss you.”

Jared did and when Jensen locked their bodies and lips together, he was glad to lose himself in kissing the only man he’d ever loved, the only man who was his equal in the ways that counted and Jared was glad he’d seen Jensen’s potential at the DMV. He was glad their two walks of life clashed into something perfect.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: Thank you so much for reading this story. It was actually a roller coaster for me to write it. I didn't think I would be able to get all of it done! And many of you know I am dealing with my uncle's cancer in real life. I couldn't let Jared's story end in death. I needed some happiness. I hope you all approve of my alteration. XOXO  
> Let me know what you think!  
> And there will be some more time stamps posted about these two!


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